Felix Ever After(61)

“Well,” he says slowly, watching me. “I’m going to join the others.”

I feel a wave of disappointment, but I shouldn’t be surprised. He only knows me as Felix, not Lucky—and this Felix is acting weird as fuck right now. I nod, stepping aside, as Declan heads back over to Marc and Tyler. He glances over his shoulder at me with a lingering frown.

When Declan calls me later that night, he doesn’t mention the strange way that guy who hates him was acting today. A part of me hoped that he would—hoped there’d be some sort of acknowledgment that he thinks about me. Me, me. Felix. Not just Lucky.

But he doesn’t mention me as Felix at all. I’m back in my dad’s apartment, in my bedroom—I’d tried stopping off at Ezra’s and buzzed his apartment, but he didn’t answer his door, and he wouldn’t respond to my texts. I have no idea if he’s actually more pissed off at me than he’s letting on, or if it really is just a bad cold. When I’d asked Austin about it earlier, he told me that Ezra might just need a little time alone—which isn’t, you know, ominous at all.

“What is one thing about you,” Declan asks me, “that no one else knows?”

I think about it for a second, but only for a second. “I have 476 emails in my drafts box.”

There’s silence on the phone.

“Hello?” I say.

“I’m sorry,” Declan says. “Did you say 476 emails?”

I hesitate, smirk growing. “Yeah. Is that crazy?”

“Um—you know, I don’t know, we all have our quirks . . .”

“It’s okay if you think it’s crazy.”

He laughs. “I don’t want to sound judgmental.”

“I know it’s a lot.”

“Why do you have so many emails drafted?”

“Well,” I say, taking a breath. “They’re all emails I’ve written to my mom, but have never sent.”

I can practically feel Declan’s smile fading away. “Why haven’t you sent them?”

I take a second, trying to form the right words in my head. “She left my dad when I was ten and started this new life in Florida. She’s happier now—loves her new life more than she loves her old one, and she never answers my calls or my emails . . . I’m pretty sure she doesn’t love me anymore. But—I don’t know, I guess I miss her, so I’ve always written these emails about everything I’m going through. Maybe one day I’ll just send all of them at once and fuck up her in-box.” I force a laugh.

Declan’s voice is soft. “It’s hard to believe that she wouldn’t love you.”

Warmth spreads over my skin. I smile into my hand. “What about you?”

“My biggest secret?”

“Yes.”

He takes longer to speak than I did. In the beats of silence, the irony strikes me: just a couple weeks ago, I’d been desperate to learn Declan’s biggest secret. Eager to use it against him, so that I could hurt him in the same way I thought he’d hurt me. Now I only want to know his secret because I want to know more about him. Because I think I might be falling for him, too.

“My father,” he says. I play with my bedsheet in between my fingers. “My father disowned me.”

I stop breathing. I sit up.

“Lucky?” Declan says. “You there?”

I shake my head. “What?”

“When I told him I had a boyfriend—when I told him about Ezra,” Declan says, “my father disowned me.”

Pain swells in my chest. I can feel myself starting to cry.

“We were never really close,” he tells me. “He’s always been horrible. He was pretty abusive. Not physically, but emotionally. He always made me feel like I was worthless, you know? He does the same shit to my mom, and she doesn’t fight back. She just does whatever he says. She didn’t fight for me when he kicked me out. It took a while to heal from that. I’m still kind of healing, I guess. And it’s stupid, but—even though he hurt me so much, and even though I know he isn’t healthy for me, I still want him to love me. It’s fucked-up, I know it is. I’m living with my grandfather now, up in Beacon—just takes a long-ass time to get in and out of the city, so I try to stay with someone for part of the week, when I can.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. That’s all I can think to tell him. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I get pissed at my dad. So fucking frustrated with him when he refuses to say my name, or when he messes up my pronouns. But I’ve never considered that he might disown me for being trans. I’ve been lucky enough that the thought never crossed my mind.

“It’s all right,” Declan says. “I’ve been doing better, living with my grandpa. Now the main issue is that my dad was going to pay for my college tuition and everything, and I have to figure out how to take care of that on my own, since my grandpa can’t afford it—he’s just barely surviving on retirement savings. He’s offered to sell the house for me, and it’d admittedly be a huge help, but I can’t let him do that. I know that house means a lot to him. I’ll just have to figure something out on my own. A privileged-as-fuck problem to have, believe me, I know.”

I had no idea. Ezra had no idea, or he would’ve mentioned it. Declan rarely talked about what he was thinking and feeling, when we were all friends—but this? I hold my phone away from my mouth so that he won’t hear me crying. I even cover my mouth with my hand. He hears me anyway.