Elite (Empire High, #2)(40)

His fingers slid ever so slightly underneath the bottom of my sweater, the pads of his fingertips warm against my skin. We’d been in this position dozens of times. And it always stopped here. But today I couldn’t bear the thought of stopping. And his hands were higher than usual because my sweater was cropped short. I wanted his hand to slide up higher. I shifted beneath him. No, I wanted his hand to slide lower. So much lower. I needed more. I just needed something to make me feel like I wasn’t drowning. And I knew he had the power to do that. I knew he could make me forget.

I ran my hand down the front of his shirt until I reached the waistline of his jeans. All I could think about was touching him. And him touching me. My fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans.

He grabbed my hands and lifted them above my head, pinning them to the carpet. “Not like this,” he said.

“We can move to the bed…”

“You’re high, Brooklyn.” He was staring at me like I was lost. It didn’t matter if I was. I just wanted him to stop looking at me like that.

“I know what I’m doing,” I said. I tilted my hips and I could feel him pressed against me. I knew that he wanted this too. The evidence was clear enough.

He pushed himself off of me.

This felt like the one thing that would make me feel better. And him denying me? “You’ll sleep with the whole cheerleading team but you won’t sleep with me?” My voice sounded so small. I slid away from him and stood up.

“Who told you that?”

It wasn’t a denial. “Screw you, Matt.” I pulled my sweater back down.

“I didn’t sleep with the whole cheerleading team.”

“Just most of them then?” I thought about Isabella and I felt like I was going to be sick.

“I can’t undo my past. But I told you I’d wait for you now. And I have. I’m not the one letting someone else touch…”

“We broke up!”

“I never agreed to that.”

“You don’t have to agree with it. It still happened. It’s done.”

He just stared at me. “I’m not done with you.”

That’s not how this works! “Let me make this easier for you to comprehend, because clearly you’re struggling. I hate you.” I wasn’t sure I really meant it, but I certainly meant it right then. I freaking hated him for barging in here uninvited. For making me feel unwanted when he’d already been with everyone else. For not listening to me.

He had the audacity to smile. “Tough luck. Because I love you.”

I opened my mouth and then closed it again. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

He took a step toward me and I didn’t retreat. His words were swirling around in my head and I didn’t know how to process them.

“You really want your first time to be like this?” he said. “With you mad at me?” He put his hand on the side of my face.

Obviously, or I wouldn’t have tried to unbutton your pants. I swallowed down the words. I didn’t want him to remove his hand.

“Do you know how badly I want you all the time? How many times I pictured you saying you were ready for more? But not like this. Not when all you need is for me to be here for you. Not today.” He swiped his thumbs under my eyes to remove the tears I didn’t even realize I shed.

I knew that he thought he loved me. And I could forgive him for a lot of things. I could love him in spite of his flaws. But not this. “If you loved me, you would have stood up for me.”

“We’ve already talked about all of this. Isabella…”

“I know. You did something and Isabella is holding it against you. But you don’t even trust me enough to tell me what it is. Or what she’s threatening.” I removed his hands from my face. “All you said is that it would hurt James, but don’t you see that I’m hurting? All I’ve been doing for the past few months is hurting. And you hurt me, Matt.”

“I’m sorry. But that’s why I’m here. Because I know you’re hurting. I know you need me.”

“If you’re that sorry, you can fix it. Just tell me the truth.”

He pressed his lips together.

His silence was the problem. Didn’t he see that? “Get out.” Maybe I was high, but I was damn sure about this.

“Brooklyn…”

“Get the hell out!”

“You don’t understand. James…”

“He’s one of your best friends. I know. I get that. What I don’t get is why I don’t matter. You make me feel like I’m nothing.”

“Of course you matter. I’m standing here telling you I love you. You mean everything to me.”

“It’s not enough. Love isn’t ignoring someone when they get milk thrown on them during lunch. Love isn’t not acknowledging me in public…”

“You know I can’t. You know what will happen if Isabella tells James...”

“That’s the thing, Matt. I don’t. What will happen to James if you come clean? What secret do you have that will hurt him? What could possibly be worse than this?”

“I can’t…”

“Tell me! What is worse than not being there for your girlfriend when she just lost everything? What is worse than that?”