Capturing the Devil (Stalking Jack the Ripper #4)(38)

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more content.”

Thomas leaned over and kissed the top of my head. “Well, I can think of at least one other time I’ve felt perfectly content. And it may have been when you ravished me in the bathtub. Or that one time in the library.” I swatted at him, drawing a deep chuckle. “Right, that only happened in my dreams. This is by far one of my happiest memories.”

I wrapped my arms around him. “I’m sorry I’ve been so afraid, Thomas.”

“You know, I’m extraordinary when it comes to puzzling things out, but this is a bit of a mystery even for me. Also, it’s not at all what I’d imagined you saying directly after our first physical expression of love.” He played with my

hair for a few quiet moments, twirling locks around his fingers as if they were the greatest marvel of the nineteenth century. “What, exactly, have you been scared of? Me? Or my intimidating manhood?”

“Of course not you.” I shook my head, glancing up, not bothering to acknowledge his other, wicked comment. “Falling. I’m—I fear it.”

A smile curved his devilish lips. “I’ve never taken you for the clumsy type, Wadsworth.”

“Don’t be daft.” I nestled closer to him. “You know what I mean.”

“It would be nice to hear, though. For the sake of proving myself correct, of course.”

I sighed, but relented. “It’s… I find it’s much easier to be brave when it comes to trusting my mind. I know what I’m capable of. What I can improve upon. Learning and making mistakes doesn’t terrify me—it… I’m not sure. It fuels me, I suppose. But love? Letting go and falling completely petrifies me.

When I’m vulnerable I feel as though my stomach has plummeted through my knees and the world is spinning out of control. Unlike science and mathematics, there are no formulas I can use to create an absolute outcome. Falling is chaos.”

“It scares you even knowing I’m right there beside you?”

“I believe that scares me more. It terrifies me to think of you loving me as much as I love you. What happens when either one of us dies? We work in death nearly every day. I’ve lost so many people I’ve loved—losing you, sometimes if I think about it I’m unable to breathe. If I open myself up to loving you, to falling completely and without hesitation, I fear what may happen. Not from something you or I do, but life. It feels much safer to be insulated from that.”

“Nothing in life comes with a guarantee, Wadsworth.” Thomas took a deep breath. “Outside forces will always be out of your control. One thing you can control is how you choose to live. If you wake up fearful of every bad thing that might happen, you miss out on the good. Death will come for us all one day.

Worrying about tomorrow only accomplishes ruining today.”

He rolled onto his side and held my hand against his heart.

“Love is immortal. Death can neither touch nor steal it. Especially when it’s true. Let’s add another promise to our tally,” he said. “Promise me to wake each day and find joy wherever you can, no matter how small it may be. There will always be hard times and trying times and times for sorrow, but we won’t let those days destroy the here and now. Because right now? I’m here.” He kissed the top of my head. “And you’re here.” He pressed his lips to my knuckles. “And the present is more glorious than the future and all of its unknowns.”

“How have you not figured out a formula for love yet?” I teased.

“Have you no faith in my mighty brain? Of course I’ve worked out an equation only for us.” Thomas smiled. “My love for you will be a constant in a sea of unknown variables. We may fight or be cross with each other, but our love will never fade or wilt. Trust in that. Trust in us. Forget the future. Forget worry.

The only thing that terrifies me is the possibility of living with regret. I don’t ever want to wake and wonder what life could have been like with you in it. I don’t ever want to regret holding myself back from loving you as fully and openly as possible.”

He searched my eyes and part of me wished to fall into the depth of adoration I saw within his expression and swim in the feeling forever.

“Unless you’ve changed your mind…” He quickly looked down. “I—”

“Thomas, never—” I tilted his chin up until our eyes met and held. “I love you. Now and always.”

Before he could doubt or argue it, I kissed him. A few moments later we were exploring our newest form of silent communication, and the rest of the world and worry faded away. We celebrated our love until the sun rose and we could no longer risk being wrapped in each other’s arms. In a few short hours we’d officially become husband and wife.

Then we could stay in bed for eternity.

Thomas reluctantly got up and pulled his trousers on, his hair mussed in a way that had me checking the clock to be sure we couldn’t linger for a little while longer. He caught the look in my eye and beamed. “You are an absolute fiend, Miss Wadsworth. It’s a good thing you’re making an honest man out of me soon. My reputation is in tatters. If you keep gazing at me that way, we’re never going to make it down the aisle.”

“You adore it,” I said, slipping my arms into my robe and sliding out of bed.