Call the Shots (Swim the Fly #3)(38)

“Hello?” a female voice calls from the front door. “Is this where the casting session is?”

“In here, honey,” Coop responds.

I look over at Matt and point at my lip but he shakes his head in response to my silent question.

A moment later, Prudence Nash rounds the corner, looking hotter than any girl should legally be allowed to. She’s wearing high heels and a form-fitting charcoal-gray sweater dress that expertly hugs every curve of her bodacious body, magically highlighting her world-class, perfectly pert pooters.

“Oh . . . my,” I hear myself mutter, my heart skipping a beat.

Matt’s jaw hangs open as he backs himself into the couch and flops down onto it.

If it were actually true that excessive masturbation can lead to madness, then Prudence Nash would have sent me over the edge years ago. But as that’s just a myth, all I can blame her for is the occasional sore wrist.

Well, that and being our toughest competition at the Battle of the Bands.

Oh, right, and single-handedly trying to destroy Helen’s reputation at school.

It’s odd how she can manage to make you forget how truly evil she is simply by flipping her long hair and canting her totem-pole-inducing hips.

Prudence’s lusciously made-up face scrunches up in disgust. Clearly she’s not quite as pleased by the sight of us. “Are you f*cking kidding me? You wankjobs?”

“Nice to see you too, Prudence,” Coop says.

Prudence narrows her eyes. “I thought this was a movie audition, not a retard convention.”

“It is a movie audition,” Coop says, checking his phone. “You’re a little early, babe, but I suppose we can squeeze you in.” He’s acting all confident and producery, but his bravado is completely undermined by the strawberry milk shake mustache he’s sporting.

“Thanks, but no, thanks.” Prudence turns on her heel and starts to leave.

“Hey, hey, come on, now,” Coop says. “No need to let the past get in the way of our possible future. You’ve come all this way. Why not show us what you’ve got?”

I can’t believe Coop thinks this is a good idea. Prudence is Helen’s mortal nemesis. The girl who started all the hot-dog rumors back in eighth grade. Matt and I look at him like he’s nuts, but he doesn’t even acknowledge us.

Prudence whips around and smirks, like she’s just read my mind. “Audition? For you? Really? And how’s your little girlfriend going to feel about that?”

Coop sits in the armchair and leans back, acting oh-so-chill. “Business is business, sweetheart. I think we can agree that we want to do what’s best for the movie.” He glances at us, the streak of pink pastel drying and cracking under his nose. “We’re all professionals here.”

Prudence laughs. “Yeah, you’re looking like a real pro there, Milkstache.” She taps her lip.

Coop quickly swipes at his mouth and stares down at the pink smear on his hand. He turns and glares at me and Matt accusingly. “Nice,” he mutters. “I’ll remember this.” Coop’s pissed-off expression shifts like smoke as he turns back and smiles at Prudence. “So, you’ve done some acting before?”

“Oh, sure.” She gives him the slow burn. “In fact, I’m acting right now. Like I don’t want to scratch your eyes out.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m buying your performance.” Coop leans forward, pressing his palms together. “Still, we might be able to use you. Tell me this. What are your thoughts on nudity?”

“I wouldn’t get naked for you for a million dollars,” Prudence snaps.

“Fair enough.” Coop nods. “How about for free, then?”

“Die, reject.” Prudence flips us off and storms out of the room.

A second later, I hear my front door slam.

“That went well,” Coop says.

I shake my head. “I can’t believe you were actually considering giving her a part.”

He laughs. “I wasn’t, asscup. I was just playing with her.” He shrugs. “Still, if she was willing to give us a little show before I turned her down, I wasn’t going to stop her.”

Matt rolls his eyes. “Real classy, there, Coop.”

“Oh, yeah?” Coop stares at Matt. “I’ll show you classy.” He dives on Matt and pins him to the couch. Before Matt can squirm away, Coop sits right on his head. “Payback is a dirty little whore, Matthew.”

Matt’s face is all squished up and red, his lips puckered like a fish. “Get the hell off me,” he gripes, his voice muffled by Coop’s ass.

“Just one second.” Coop scrunches up his eyes, then lets go with a surprisingly loud sputtering pants blaster, which makes me totally lose it.

“Goddamn it!” Matt heaves Coop off of him and leaps up, rubbing at his face like crazy. “You’re such a dick. You’re going to pay for that.”

“Umm,” Coop says, stumbling away, “I may have already paid for it.” He grabs the back of his jeans. “I think there might have been some fudge in that fart.” He laughs hysterically. “Which means you may have gotten a little extra sumpin’-sumpin’, there, Mattie.”

Matt looks totally pissed. He shoots Coop a sky-high finger salute, which just makes me crack up even more.