Call the Shots (Swim the Fly #3)(29)

Matt arches an eyebrow. “Sounds like someone’s a bit nutty.”

“You don’t understand. It’s like I was telling you on Monday. Evelyn’s got this switch in her head. A loony switch. And you never know when it’s going to get thrown.”

“Okay, so what did she do that was so insane?” Valerie asks.

“She grabbed my wrists. Hard. And she glared at me. And then . . . I don’t know . . . She was basically pissed off that she had to find out about the movie from Helen instead of me.”

“And?” Helen asks as we reach the bike racks.

“Look, it’s not what she said. It’s how she said it.” I turn toward Valerie and Helen. “It’s sort of like she was fighting off a demon possession or something. Her face changed color, and she was all twitchy, and then she started making this weird guttural sound.”

Matt laughs. “That sounds like maybe she’s a werewolf.”

“More like a Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde,” I counter.

“Listen,” Helen says. “Just because a girl gets upset with you doesn’t make her crazy.”

“We’re just more emotional than you guys,” Valerie adds. “If you’re going to be in a relationship, that’s something you’re going to have to understand.”

“Yeah, I get that but . . .” I sigh as I reach down and tug the yellow coil lock from my front wheel. “This wasn’t how a normal person gets upset. It was like . . . like she was thinking of doing a lot worse and was just barely able to stop herself from doing it. It was scary.”

Helen shrugs. “I’ve felt like that lots of times. You should be thankful she can keep her emotions in check. There are lots of people who don’t have that much self-control.” She eyes Coop meaningfully, but he just gives her his smarmy Cooper grin.

“All we’re saying,” Valerie explains, “is don’t do anything rash. Just give it a bit more time. You’re her first boyfriend, Sean. She’s figuring things out as she goes along.”

“I don’t know,” I say doubtfully. “I’m going over to her house tomorrow, so I guess I’ll just see how things go then.” I’m wrapping the coil lock around my seat post when I get a thought. “But, okay, let’s say she starts acting all unstable again and I do want to end things. I’m not saying I’m going to”— I rush to add this as both Helen and Val open their mouths to rebuke me —“but what would be the best way to break up with her without having her go ballistic and want to kill me?”

Helen laughs. “There is no best way. Any way is going to upset her.”

“Yeah.” I feel my ears get hot. “Okay, forget it. I’ll figure something out.”

“All right, look.” Valerie places her hand on my back. “If you actually do decide you’re going to break up with her, you have to do it right. Gentlemanly and gently.” Valerie motions to the curb. “Come on. Let’s sit down and we’ll go over the dos and don’ts.”

Matt and Coop exchange a look.

“Uh,” Matt says, smiling with only half his face. “Should we be concerned that you both seem to be so knowledgeable about breakups?”

“Girls just know girls, sweetie,” Valerie responds. “Nothing to fret over.”

The five of us take a seat, Helen and Valerie flanking me.

“First things first,” Helen says. “Don’t chicken out and do it over the phone. That’s the worst possible thing you could do. Anyone would flip out if they got dumped like that.”

Valerie nods. “That’s right. No phone, no text, no e-mail. If you’re going to do it, do it in person. And do it somewhere private. Not in her house where her family can hear.”

“Yes, good, okay,” I say, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. I try to control my growing excitement, but it’s difficult when I think about how this is all going to free me up to be with Leyna.

“Ask her to go for a walk,” Matt offers. “That’s how I’d do it.”

“Oh, now who’s the breakup expert?” Helen laughs.

Valerie arches an eyebrow at Matt. “So I guess I should worry now any time you ask me to go for a walk.”

“No, I — I was just saying,” Matt stammers. “For Sean . . . If I was Sean . . . Not . . . That’s not how . . . I mean . . .”

Val smiles and puts her hand on Matt’s knee. “Just kidding, mon amour. You can relax.” She turns back to me, suddenly all business. “A walk is a good idea. And make sure to choose your words carefully. Don’t go blaming her or pointing out her faults. Even if she asks you what she could have done better. It’s a trap. Avoid it like the plague. Let her friends be the ones to give her advice.”

My mouth’s drying out. This is a lot to keep track of.

“It’s sort of lame,” Helen adds, “and completely transparent, but saying that it’s you, not her, is the best way to go. It’s good to be honest and truthful if you’re trying to make the relationship work, but if you’re absolutely sure you want to end things, there’s no point in hurting her any more than you’re already going to. Just shoulder the blame and tell her she’s great. Doesn’t matter if she sees right through it — it’ll soften the blow.”