Beat the Band (Swim the Fly #2)(83)

I take a deep breath. “I could give you all my lame-ass excuses but they don’t amount to a weasel’s wang. All I want to do right now is talk to Helen. Apologize. And hopefully, make it up to her.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Coop.” Matt looks at me. “Val says Helen’s super upset. You really screwed up.”

“Tell me about it. And you don’t even know the worst part.” I swallow. “I think . . . I’m in love with her.”

Sean’s eyes widen to the size of Ping-Pong balls. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Seriously. Which is why I have to at least give it a shot.” I glance over my shoulder at the stairs. “Are they still up in the bathroom?”

“Helen is,” Matt says. “Valerie went to get her a drink from the soda machine.”

“Good.” I brush some of the melting snow off my shirt. “Look guys, I’m really sorry about all of this. And I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Or to ask you for any favors. But when Val heads back, could you maybe try and stall her for me? I just . . . need a little time with Helen alone.”

Matt and Sean share a look.

“Sure,” Matt says. “We’ll try.”

“Thanks.”

I turn and head off. As I climb the steps, my mind tries to spin the story every which way possible. The excuses, the justifications, the explanations. All the ways I could make myself come out looking not so heinous.

But as I walk down the second floor hallway, I know there’s only one way through this mess.

The truth.

Which is something I’ve never been very good at.

“Helen?” I call out, pushing open the door to the girls’ bathroom. “Are you in here?” My voice echoes off the sage-green tiles as I cautiously step inside.

When I turn the corner, I see that all of the stall doors are open except the one at the far end, which is just now shutting. I hear the latch sliding.

“Helen, it’s Coop.” I approach the closed door. “Is that you?”

“Go away,” she rasps. “Leave me alone.”

“I can’t. I just want . . .” I take a shaky breath. “Could you please come out?”

Helen sniffles. “I don’t want to see you.”

There’s a weight on my chest as I search for the right words; what I need to say to make this all better. “Listen. I know an apology isn’t nearly enough but . . . I am sorry. I was a complete *.”

“Worse.”

“A major complete *. Look. I’ll be totally honest with you, okay? I didn’t do everything they said I did, like the frog and stuff like that. But I did give your locker combo to Prudence, and I did help them fill out the Our Lady of Mercy application. I told myself it was for the best, that you’d be better off at another school.” I close my eyes. Feel the swell of self-loathing filling me up. Oh, God, this is even harder than I thought it would be. “But the truth is . . . I was worried about us being partners . . . and how it would affect the way people saw me. And I was afraid. I was afraid it was going to ruin my reputation. So everything I did — joining the Battle of the Bands, filling out that application, trying to weasel my way out of spending time with you — they were all done to save myself. To impress Prudence and her gang. It was totally cruel and selfish and stupid.” I sigh. “Seriously, if I had any brains at all I would have figured out those girls weren’t worth impressing back in third grade, when Prudence and Bronte stole my Pokémon lunch box and threw it on the roof of the school.” I shake my head. “But let’s face it, I’m a slow learner.”

I think I hear a little laugh from Helen but I’m not sure.

I place my hand flat against the door. Feel the cold painted metal on my palm. “And all of that was before I realized how amazing you are. Like, really. You’re the coolest person I’ve ever met. And you’re a million times more beautiful and smart and talented than those girls could ever hope to be.”

Helen shifts behind the door. “I trusted you.”

“I know, and —”

“I feel cheated, Coop.” I can hear her starting to cry again. “It’s dumb but I felt like . . . we had something special, you know? Something hopeful. And it was all a big lie.”

My heart is breaking all over again. “Helen. Please —”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” she says. “Everything’s turned upside down. I thought . . . I don’t know. I thought you were different from everyone else.”

“No. Listen. I am different. I mean . . . I wasn’t . . . but I am now. And everything we had was real. I swear.” I take another trembling breath. There’s a boa constrictor around my rib cage. “I don’t know how else to tell you. I am so, so sorry. If I could take it all back. All the bad stuff. I would. Every single bit of it. I just . . . I didn’t know who you were. How brill you are. And I didn’t know that”— I press my cheek up against the door —“that I was going to fall in love with you. By the time I finally figured it all out, it was too late. Everything was already set in motion. I didn’t know how to get out of it. I thought, if I told you what they got me to do, I’d hurt you even more.”

I shake my head. Feel the tears running down my face. “Please.” The word hitches in my throat. “Don’t tell me I’ve ruined us.”