Bad to the Bones(17)

I swung my legs so I was sitting upright on the chaise lounge. “Maddy. I know some of the things I say might sound as though I belong to a cult—”

Maddy didn’t even let me finish. She even whipped off her shades to cry at me, “But you do, Bella! You do belong to a cult! In the free world everyone can’t possibly all share the same beliefs down to the last rule and regulation! You sound like a bunch of robots all reciting the same stale crap you’ve been force-fed. I’m sorry, but that”—she made a wide sweep with her palm facing the deck—“whatever it is you’ve got going up in that canyon, that’s a cult, Bella. This whackamole takes your children away from you, tells you you need to get penetrated in order to relive some past trauma? In my book that’s rape, pure and simple. That’s just a f*cking flimsy excuse to get into a ton of chicks’ pants all at the same time and seem holier than thou while doing it. You worship him for raping you, Bella!”

I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like my BFF had stabbed me clean to the heart with treachery and betrayal. I actually gasped in surprise that Madison would have the balls to say this shit to me. Hadn’t she married the President of an outlaw biker club? Weren’t they supposed to be off the beaten path, marching to a different drummer—well, outlaws? They must know what it was to be scorned, laughed at, discriminated against. I squeezed my locket photo of Shakti in my palm, nearly crying at Maddy’s sudden outburst.

“Maddy! I don’t know what happened to you in that biker club, but rape is not a consensual act. I fully allow my master to bond with me, to help me through catharsis, to resolve my abandonment issue—”

Maddy slapped the soles of her feet onto the deck, too. “What makes you think it was my so-called biker club that had anything to do with this? I’m just speaking the opinion of a normal, healthy, well-adjusted woman who only allows men to stick their dicks inside me if I’m in love.”

“Well!” I snapped. “Some things sure have changed since Coyote Buttes!”

I was the one who stormed off first. I took my umbrella drink with me and stood by the deck railing gulping it furiously. How dare she? She had no idea what went on in Bihari! Just as I had no idea what’d happened to her to make her so sensitive to the subject of rape, she had no concept what was and wasn’t consensual up in Merry-go-round Canyon.

I huffed and puffed as I stared out at the sandstone buttes. Clouds were coming fast and furious. I normally loved the way they raced over the desert, creating mutating shadows across the baked layers of sediment. Now I was just fuming.

Bihari was my home, the only family I knew. I had only spoken once to my mother Carol since moving up to Bihari. A “big mom” at Bihari, a severe woman named Poona had encouraged us to ask our families for emergency money, so I had. I now realize what a big mistake that was. That big mom was gone now, because she had other ideas that maybe weren’t so sound. But before Shakti changed the rules, they prodded us to ask families for money, so we did. Boy, what a mistake. Carol had shrieked the roof down, called me a psychopath, and told me she never loved me. I was an oversight, a misjudgment in birth control, a result of one too many daiquiris while dating my dad. She screamed how glad she was to be free of both me and my sister, and don’t ever f*cking use her phone number ever again.

While staring blankly out over the desert floor, I was surprised by hot tears that burned my eyes. I hadn’t cried when Carol had rejected me, but I cried now because my former BFF from my teen days was calling me a cult groupie?

I was afraid to shut my eyes because I knew the tears would carve deep channels down my cheeks. So I stared blurrily in the direction of Bihari, trying to see Madison’s point of view. It probably sounded insane if looked at in in a certain way. Our therapy sessions had some bold and innovative techniques. One man who was paralyzed by claustrophobia had couch cushions piled on him while people sat on top of them, to help him face his fears. Specific terrors were provoked. I watched once as a tank full of gopher snakes were set free among a group. The idea was that if you could face your biggest nightmare and emerge the other side safe and sound, you had triumphed.

But I also knew a lot of people who never confessed their fears for this very reason. One girlfriend had never told anyone about her fear of heights, afraid of being pushed off a cliff. And I know for certain Bodhisattva had never confided his terror of mice. They just weren’t ready to confront it, to move on.

I was, although that wasn’t the only reason Shakti bonded with me. He was constantly manipulating me with his fingers, cleansing my lower chakras, siphoning out the bad energy, flooding me with good. I wasn’t in love with him like Madison was with Ford. That was love of a lower order, romantic love, juvenile love. Shakti wasn’t my spouse, he wasn’t my father, he wasn’t my son—he was my guru, and it was all on a much higher plane. My love for him was so elevated it was like air that didn’t weigh me down with earthly concerns.

“I’m sorry, Bella. You can understand why I feel this way. I just want to see you safe and protected, like I am.” Madison was standing behind me, gently taking the empty glass from my hand. “Ford and I have a traditional marriage. You don’t. That’s all. I don’t want you thinking I’m judging you.”

I casually wiped my eye with the back of my hand, not daring to turn toward her. “But you are judging me,” I tried to say casually. I only wound up sounding like a snotfaced baby. It was true. She was judging me, just as I was judging her lifestyle. There was no way around it but to agree to disagree. I finally turned to face her, attempting a smile. “Maddy, you’re my best friend on the outside. I don’t want to fight. You found your way in life and I found mine. We both found salvation in totally different ways.”