All the Rage(62)

Todd says, “It has to be bad if they don’t want to tell us.”





mom drives me to school.

We pass Leanne Howard, jogging in the rain, and I want a glimpse of her face, to see what all this looks like on her, but there’s not enough light for that. The sky is dark gray and the clouds are hung so low, it doesn’t even feel like it’s day.

Mom pulls up as close to the building as she can get. I stare at the front entrance. The FIND PENNY display is gone. I know it couldn’t stay, but it seems wrong there’s nothing in its place. She’s not here so she was never here.

I get out of the car, hurry through the rain. Inside, everything is so quiet, I have the fleeting thought it’s just me in this space, but I climb the stairs until I reach the mourners crowding the halls. Everyone in clusters, close to their lockers, heads bent together, whispering, bodies humming with grief. It all feels familiar and unfamiliar at once. That moment we discovered she was gone is here again, more real than it was before, and we can’t hope our way through our uselessness this time. She’s never coming back.

I get my books out of my locker, go to homeroom. I’m the first one there and McClelland sits at his desk, sorting through papers. He’s stone-faced, but his breathing gives him away: every breath a gasp, every gasp a failed attempt at regaining control. I sit at the back and try to make myself not hear it but it’s all I can hear. I watch the door, watch students file in one by one. Some of them come in messy and tearful and some of them look like they’ve just managed to stop crying and others are determinedly dry-eyed, just like McClelland.

The bell rings.

McClelland turns the television on. After a brief delay, the screen fades in on Penny’s photograph, nothing else, and now she’s too here. It’s the same photo they used on the MISSING posters, clearer on the monitor than it was on paper. Not blown-out black-and-white, but color and her eyes look—more alive than they did when I thought there was a chance she still might be.

McClelland stands, resting his hands against his desk.

“We have been advised to take a few moments this morning to talk with you about—” He runs his hand over his mouth, already overwhelmed. “About the death of Penny Young. Penny was—” He stops again. “A light … in the lives of all those who knew her. We were privileged to know her. This loss is unfathomable. This loss is cruel.”

I stare at the two empty seats at the front. What if her empty seat was mine?

What would they say about me?

“There are guest books in the library and you are encouraged to leave your memories of Penny and your condolences in them. At the end of the week, they will be sent to Penny’s family. A memorial assembly is being planned. We will keep you notified of when the funeral—” He can’t deal with this word, presses his lips together for a long moment. “Reporters have begun to arrive but we ask you to please honor our friend and classmate and her loved ones by not speaking with them.”

McClelland sits. Speech over. He stares at the clock. I follow his gaze and watch the second hand tremor forward until the bell rings. I tally the missing. Brock, Penny, Alek. But that seems to be it. Everyone else is here to share in the devastation. The bell rings again and again, and by the time it’s Phys Ed, there’s a little more life in the halls. The presence of the news vans outside have made this no less a tragedy, but—more of an event. It’s what Cat Kiley is talking about in the locker room.

“Are you going to speak to them?” she asks Yumi.

“No,” Tina says before Yumi can answer. “And neither are you.”

“Why not?” Cat asks. “Marie Sinclair went out there and said they only wanted a sound bite about how people were taking it—”

“Penny is not a f*cking sound bite.” Tina takes her shirt off. Cat makes a face and turns away. Tina throws her shirt at Cat. It nails her square in the back. Cat whirls around, furious. “Do you hear me? You say anything, Cat—”

“Fine.”

Cat picks up Tina’s shirt and throws it back to her.

“That goes for the rest of you too.” Tina’s eyes skim over everyone before settling on me. “If I see you on TV tonight, you better hope to hell it’s worth it tomorrow.”

We size each other up from opposite sides of the room, looking for cracks. She’s radiating anger, holding it to herself, keeping it close and not making room for anything else because anything else would be too much. She won’t let anyone see her pain, but you’d have to be a fool to think it wasn’t there.

“So what do you think happened to her?” Yumi asks quietly.

Tina finally tears her gaze from me. Throws her shirt onto the bench and goes into her locker for her gym clothes. “Doesn’t matter what I think.”

“Were you talking to Brock? Did he say…?”

“What would Brock have to say about it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he talked to Alek. Maybe Alek heard it from his dad…”

“Sheriff Turner won’t tell Alek anything now,” Tina mutters.

Cat crosses her arms over her chest. “I’ve got a curfew, so does my sister. Eight o’clock. Just in case some creep had her and he’s still out there. That’s what my mom thinks. She thinks Penny got raped. She thinks that’s what they’re not saying because—”