All This Time(32)

She nods. “You were always trying to fix things instead of thinking about why they were broken. It’s hard to build anything if the foundation has cracks.” She pauses to grab another shirt. “And that doesn’t mean that you two didn’t love each other. It just means that maybe you two were operating on two different wavelengths.”

Operating on different wavelengths. Sometimes when we’d fight, it really did feel like we weren’t having the same conversation. I think about that night. Our conversation in the car. Were we on the same page then?

How many times were we on different pages without even realizing it?

“Kim’s always going to be part of you, Kyle, but you have to live your own life. She doesn’t get a say anymore. You’ve got a lot of days ahead of you. They could all be like this one, folding laundry with your sweet, devoted mother.…” She folds a shirt while my hands remain frozen, clutching mismatched socks. “Or you could try to live your life without her, allow yourself to really live,” she says, looking up at me. “See where the wind takes you.”

I smile, but I’m silent for a moment, reaching out to take a pair of jeans. That’s what Kim said. Exactly what she said. Kim wanted to see who we were without each other too.

She’d realized it. Mom had realized it.

It was me who hadn’t.

This time, though, it makes sense. This time… I might actually understand.

And with that understanding comes the realization that Sam’s both right and wrong at the same time.

We do need to remember Kim. And… well, it would be impossible to forget her even if I tried. She’s tangled up in every part of who I’ve been. I wouldn’t be here without her.

But we can’t be stuck, immobilized without her. Immobilized by what she wanted.

We have to figure it out for ourselves now.

“I’ve been talking to Marley about what I might want to do. Since football is out now,” I say slowly, and Mom’s eyes light up instantly. “Do you think I’d be a good sportswriter? I thought I could take a class or maybe apply for an internship or something.”

“I think you’d be a great sportswriter.” She smiles, looking happier than I’ve seen her since… before. “And I think anyone who can help you find your way forward is a good person to have in your life.”

She scoops up an armful of towels, calling over her shoulder as she heads toward her bathroom, “Guess I’ll have to find a new laundry partner.”



* * *




The next morning, I pack up the box of Kimberly’s stuff and carry it upstairs. Mom follows just behind me, her hand wrapping gently around my arm when I make it to the entryway.

“Are you sure about this, honey?” she asks, turning me to face her.

I nod, looking up from the box to meet her questioning gaze. “I’m sure.”

She pulls me into a hug, her arms wrapping tightly around me. I lean into it. I need to do this to start moving forward. Whether that’s getting an internship or mending things with Sam or… anything else.

The memories of that night aren’t the ones I want to hold on to. I have to let go of the guilt. I have to stop trying to keep her boxed up here with me.

Gently, I lay a hand on top of the box, one last goodbye, before handing it to Mom to give back to Kim’s parents. As she turns, I feel the heaviness of the charm bracelet in my pocket. The final reminder of that fateful night.

The one I didn’t think I could let go of.

“Wait,” I say as I pull it out, the metal charms clinking together. It hurts to let it go, but as I gently place it inside the box, a weight lifts off my chest and lets me take my first deep breath in almost four months.





16


I lie on my back on the grass a few days later, watching the sunlight trickle through the tree branches, the sparkling light dancing in front of my vision. Marley and I meet up at noon to feed the ducks like we usually do, the warm late-September weather leading us to the cherry blossom tree, the petals fading now to an off-white.

“What are you thinking about?” Marley asks from next to me.

“Just…” I take a deep breath. “Sam.”

Talking to my mom helped me figure out a lot of shit, but it didn’t fix anything with Sam. And I still can’t figure out how to talk to him about it.

I turn to look at her, the sunlight casting a warm glow on her face, making her hazel eyes bright, the color giving way to a glowing green around her pupil. She reaches out toward my face, and I find myself wondering what it would be like if she touched me.

Instead, she plucks a dandelion from between us and gives it a sniff. The guilt rises up, but without much strength, like it’s too exhausted to keep fighting. Maybe I am too. But Sam’s hurt face doesn’t recede from my mind.

“We got into a fight this weekend. I—I haven’t been a very good friend to him since Kim died. I wasn’t being honest with him.…” I pause and let out a long sigh. “Or with myself.”

“It’s hard to be the one who messes up, isn’t it?” she says, her face growing sad.

I push myself up onto my arm. It takes a lot for Marley to open up. She notices my reaction and offers a weak smile. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. It’s funny. I was always quiet. Super shy. To the point that sometimes Laura even spoke for me.” She looks away, in the direction of the cemetery. “She always knew what I wanted to say. Maybe because we were twins.”