A Time for Hope (Lexi, #3)(67)
“It’s time to stop running Stone. Because no matter how far away you get, you can never run away from yourself.”
Gunny Ortiz looked up from his crouched position looming above my body and addressed the group as a whole.
“What sets you apart from everyone else is your ability to dig deep when you’ve got nothing left. When you are broken, lost, exhausted. When you want to pack it all in and call it a day. That’s when you will find your strength. Find out who you are and what you are made of. And I guarantee you that when your body gives up and you are lying in a heap, your f*cking heart will carry you the rest of the way.”
I felt my eyes well with hot tears but the last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of this man or cry in front of a bunch of strangers. He was right. The angry, ex-marine with the bulging neck veins and an aversion to smiling was f*cking right.
“You ready to start fighting back?” He put out his hand and waited for me take it.
I grabbed onto his hand and pulled my body off of the mat. “Yes Sir.” I shouted as I jumped to my feet.
“Good, cause I knew you had it in you Stone, and nothing pisses me off more than being wrong. Now get your ass back over there with the rest of the group. I think I need to see some push-ups.”
I trotted back to where I had been standing. The spot I had previously occupied between Taylah and Sydney had remained empty and despite my telling the Gunny to go f*ck himself no one dared to look at me.
“Everyone hit the deck. I want fifty push-ups and you better make them count ‘cause the Corps still need their fifty.” Gunny Ortiz bellowed. I guessed I was going to have to get used to his yelling ‘cause if I hadn’t heard him speak softly while I’d been lying on the floor I’d be convinced he didn’t know how to speak in another volume.
“Yes sir.” The crowd collectively responded as they dropped to the floor and assumed push up position.
“Let’s count them out – One!” Gunny Ortiz clapped his hands as he set our rhythm. “Two! All the way down and up. Three!”
“You ok?” Taylah whispered.
“Yeah, I think I am.” I nodded and for the first time in a long while I actually knew I was going to be ok.
Chapter 16 - The Long Goodbye
The next few weeks saw me make amazing strides. While I didn’t totally abandon traditional therapy, what I learned about myself under Manny’s guidance was nothing short of amazing.
I had stopped seeing myself as a victim and had embraced the scars of my past. I accepted that there was nothing I could do to change what had happened to me, the pain, the betrayal, the loss, it would always be there. It was what I did going forward that would count. I used it all, every emotion that stirred within me and I fought back. Mostly, I was kinder to myself and recognized that I had harboured feelings of self-loathing and these had no place in my new and improved incarnation. I forgave myself. I forgave every bad decision I felt I had ever made, I forgave myself for any regret I may have had and I forgave the times I felt I’d wasted in darkness. I welcomed a new dawn, one where I had evolved. I was stronger, smart and thanks to the Corps a hell of a lot fitter. I truly believed that I could take whatever life had to dish out.
The sale on our newly acquired Penthouse had been finalized and we had picked up our keys earlier that afternoon. It seemed that a quickie divorce translates to a quickie property transfer. Our new home was unfortunately going to remain unoccupied while we were on tour but with the detailed redecoration plans Taylah had scheduled, our absences would certainly work in our favour.
Matt had returned from Texas after his much needed Lexi-enforced vacation time. He was still mending his broken heart but as always, his positivity refused to allow him to wallow for too long. Anna had tried to contact him a few times but he politely declined to accept her call, feeling it was easier just to move on.
Taylah kept an eye on him for me (and I mean literally. Her favourite pastime was watching him, especially while he worked out) so I knew at least he wasn’t sitting at home alone.
It was quiet in the apartment while I completed my last minute mental checklist. Early morning flights were always challenging but taking one where we’d be gone for nine months was more than just a bit stressful. Alex, unfazed by the pressure of the tour, had gone on a run. Playing live is what he most enjoyed about being in the band. He was excited and ready for the months of performing ahead. He loved the stage, and the stage loved him. I, however, was battling my inner OCD while I rechecked I’d packed my passport (for the 20th time) with a phone pressed to my ear.
“So, tomorrow’s the big day!” Sydney announced matter-of-factly. I could hear her disappointment. Unfortunately it would be her who stayed back in New York while we jetted off on tour with the band. Her exclusion hadn’t been intentional but it had been agreed that Anna would remain at home base and now that Sydney had filled Anna’s role, it was a foregone conclusion.
“Yep, all packed up and ready to go.” I responded rather unconvincingly. Where the f*ck had I put my spare iPhone charger?
“While you are off gallivanting over the lands, think of me - chained my desk, slaving away.” Sydney sighed dramatically. She was forgetting to mention that while Matt and I would be pulling fifteen-hour days she would only be dealing with local press coverage and would wrap up her day around three in the afternoon and that would be including an hour-long lunch break.