A Time for Hope (Lexi, #3)(19)

Entering our apartment Alex was eerily calm. The living room was dark with the only illumination coming from the cityscape framed by the large window whose curtains had yet to be drawn. The lights of the night sky always seemed settling to me, their continuity unwavering despite the madness in my life. I walked through the living space and pressed my face against the window. The city. My city.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, clearing my mind and allowing the coolness of the glass to spread across my forehead.

“Lexi?” Alex drew his arms around me from behind, pulling me closer to his large frame. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing. Everything. Us.” I muttered without thought as I continued to gaze mindlessly. Ordinarily I would be mortified that I could be so honest, it was still so new, but I was trying to learn a new way with Alex. As simple as it sounded, the openness was a constant struggle for me but I wanted this to work. For us to work. It was the first time in forever I was afraid to fail.

“Us?” Alex gently kissed my neck, brushing my ridiculous red synthetic hair off my shoulders. “What about us?”

I slowly exhaled as his kisses travelled up toward my ear, “I don’t want to say it out loud.” I swallowed, the lump forming in my throat threatened to betray me. Of course saying you don’t want to talk about it is an absolute guarantee the other person is going to want to talk about it – dumbass! I’d like to think that Alex’s kisses had some kind of truth serum properties. Either that or I lost brain cells when he touched me because this conversation was not a smart move when both were so emotional.

“Lexi,” Alex whispered as he held me tighter against his body, “Please say it. Don’t hold back. Not with me.” There was a pleading in his voice that pulled at my heart. I loved it. I hated it. Damn it! Why does this have to be so f*cking hard?! It would have been so much easier for Alex to be with an uncomplicated woman. Not necessarily more compliant, he was never going to be one of those guys who wanted a “sit down and shut up” kind of girl and NOT Marcy (she’d never deserved him) but anyone else, someone who didn’t require so much maintenance. It must be exhausting, loving me, and yet he wouldn’t let me go and now there was no way I ever could.

“I need you Alex. I need you so much it scares me but I need you to need me too.” I stumbled through the words, not really sure of what I was saying. I was an educated woman, why I was I babbling like an idiot?

“That’s a lot of need, baby,” Alex laughed against my skin. I instinctively pulled away, his attempt to lighten the situation had made me feel vulnerable. “Lexi.” He pulled me back against him, spinning me around in his arms so that now I was facing him. His large body dwarfed me as he pressed me against the glass. “It was a bad joke. I’m an * remember? Look at me.”

I dared to raise my gaze and meet his clear blue eyes. “I need you. Sometimes I think I need you more than you need me. That’s why I fight so hard Lexi. That’s why you drive me so utterly crazy, ‘cause I know how lost I’d be without you.”

“Show me,” I whispered. A single tear fell from the corner of my eye. It was too much; these feelings, both his and mine were too much. Was it our emotional separation, the physical distance, the need for intimacy or fear? I had no clue and I hadn’t wanted to cry. It was the last thing on earth I had wanted to do but my layers had been stripped away over the past few months and now I couldn’t stop.

Alex gently kissed my falling tear, “Please don’t cry Lexi, I need you. I love you.”

Alex’s mouth moved to mine. His kiss, tender yet demanding, gently played with my lips; his tongue invading my mouth. It wasn’t like at the club. The urgency was still there simmering underneath but Alex was in complete control. He lifted me away from the window and pressed me against his body. His hands gently flowed over my curves, caressing and touching as they moved. My skin burned under his touch but he refused to be hurried. My hands travelled down his chest, the firmness of his muscles evident under the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Alex continued to kiss me, slowly, deliciously and yet painfully slowly.

“Alex,” I moaned as my hands found the rock hard bulge in the front of his leather pants. He wanted this. He wanted to make love to me.

“Promise me Lexi,” Alex breathed heavily in between each word. “Promise you will tell me to stop if it gets too much.” Alex kissed me passionately as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He carried me through the room and laid me gently on our bed, his eyes tormented with lust. “No matter how far we get Lexi, say the word and I’ll stop. I want you to promise me. It’s the only way I can do this.”

“Alex, I won’t be thinking…” Alex placed his fingers across my lips to silence me.

“I know. But I need to hear the words Lex, I need you to promise.”

“I promise. I promise.” I lost myself in his arms as I gave him permission to take my body. It was surreal saying it out loud and more importantly hearing the words. Even though it was Alex who was making all the moves it was me who had total control. I could stop this at any time, I decided if we went any further. He had given me that gift.

Alex lifted off me momentarily. I protested, pulling him back, not wanting the break in body contact. He smiled his beautiful, delicious, twisted half grin, “You always were so impatient.”