You've Reached Sam(45)

“I don’t see what’s so wrong about this,” I say back. “You’re making it sound worse than it is.” I can’t think of anything I want more in the world right now, other than having him be alive again. “As if I care what other people think of me. As long as I have you. And if we can still be together, we should make it work. Even if it isn’t exactly like we planned—”

“Stop it, Julie,” he interrupts me. “You and I can’t do this forever. That’s just not possible.”

“But you said I could take as long as I need to say good-bye,” I remind him. “What if I don’t? What if I refuse to say it?”

Sam lets out a breath. “So is that what you decided to do … to never say good-bye to me?”

“That was always it, Sam. Since the day I met you…”

I think of the day when he will no longer pick up when I call and I can barely breathe. I finally heard him sing; what if I forget his voice? I can’t imagine losing him all over again.

Neither of us say anything for a long time. I stare at the sky as some clouds part, revealing the moon. Out of nowhere, a glitter of white light streaks across the sky, vanishing behind the mountain line.

“A shooting star.” I point at the sky, as if Sam could see it, too.

“I’m surprised you’ve only seen one out there,” he says. “Did you make a wish?”

“You know I don’t believe in stuff like that.”

“Why not?”

“Think about it. Have you ever heard of one coming true?”

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a shot. You could wish for the other bookend back.”

“You’re a real dreamer,” I say.

Sam laughs. “Alright then. What would you wish for, if you could have anything?”

“Anything?”

“Anything at all.”

“No limits?”

“No limits.”

I hesitate. “Do you really want to know?”

“I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t,” Sam says.

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. I don’t have to think long because I already know the answer. “I wish you were here,” I say. “I wish you were lying right next to me. I wish I could look over and see you smiling back. I wish I could run a hand through your hair, and know you’re real. I wish we could finish school and graduate together. So we can finally leave this place like we always planned, and find an apartment somewhere, and figure out the rest of our lives together so I don’t have to do it alone. I wish you were alive again … and I wish I had picked up the phone that night, so that all this would be different, and everything would go back to before…”

There is a long silence as Sam takes this in. He doesn’t say anything during or after but I feel him there on the phone, listening. I’m surprised he even let me say all of this. I don’t know if that was what he expected to hear, but he asked for the truth.

The rest of the night is like this. I lie there in the fields, on the phone with him for what feels like forever. We don’t say anything else. We just quietly live in this imaginary world where everything I wish for is still a beautiful possibility.





CHAPTER TEN

When I wake up in the morning, something is different. I sense the warmth of someone beside me. But when my hand moves across the sheets to find them, no one is there. It’s only me again. I rub my eyes until the walls of my bedroom come into focus. Streaks of light glimmer across the ceiling like sunlight on water. If it wasn’t for the thin window curtain, I wouldn’t know it was daylight out. It’s one of those mornings where you don’t know how much time has passed since you fell asleep. Hours or days, I’m not sure. I have to check the clock on my phone to orient myself for the day. It’s Saturday. 9:14 in the morning. None of this seems right, but there’s no point in arguing with it.

I sit up on the bed, and glance around the room. The chair at my desk is turned to face me, Sam’s shirt still hanging behind it. Sometimes, I like to pretend he’s in the bathroom, or grabbing some water downstairs, and is about to come back. Anytime now. It makes me feel less alone when we’re not on the phone together. I stretch my arms toward the ceiling. Sometimes my hair gets tangled in my sleep, so I run my fingers through to straighten it out. The smell of barley comes through, and I remember. The golden fields.

Was that really last night? If I close my eyes, I can see it again. It’s strange to be back in my room with nothing but the memory of it. Like waking up from a dream, and having no one there to talk about it with.

Another world, another life, another thing to keep to myself.

I couldn’t sleep well. I had the same dream where I’m back at the bus station, looking for Sam again. It wasn’t quite as bad this time, but I’m still a bit shaken from it. I wish I could talk to someone about the dreams.

Someone besides Sam, I mean. After everything I said to him last night, I don’t want to give him more to worry about. There are things I should probably keep inside.

I stay curled in bed until a third alarm goes off, reminding me to start the day. My mother left me half a pot of coffee downstairs. I finish two cups and a bowl of cereal. An hour later, I meet Oliver outside on the porch. He texted me this morning, inviting me on another walk. But we have a different destination this time. It’s Oliver’s idea. I wasn’t sure about it at first, but I said yes anyway. We’re on our way to Sam’s grave.