Xavier Cold (Hard Knocks #2)(22)

“Well, come on. Nettie sent home your food.” I start to take a step toward the house, but I pause when I notice that Xavier is still stuck in place.

He pushes his long hair back from his face as he stares up at the house in front of him. “I’m dreading tonight.”

He doesn’t have to say any more than that for me to understand that he’s talking about his nightmares.

I reach over and take his hand, causing his eyes to drift down to mine. I stare into the blue pools of his irises and say, “They always say, the first step is the hardest, and I can attest to that. I was always afraid to leave home even though I hated how overbearing Father was. Making the decision was the easy part, but taking that first step on the plane was tough. I don’t regret doing it though because it was the right decision. It led me here to you. Whether you realized it or not, you helped me through the roughest day of my life on that plane. You were kind to me. You saved me. Now, let me be here for you. If it becomes too much for you in there, lean on me, please, the way I’ve leaned on you.”

Xavier swallows hard and cups my face into his hand before he kissed my lips. “I’ll try, but this place absolutely brings out the beast in me, and I don’t want to accidentally unleash on you.”

“You won’t,” I whisper. “I trust you.”

He leans his forehead against mine. “You don’t know how badly I want to be a good guy for you, Anna, because that’s what you deserve. You shouldn’t have to live in this ghetto hell with me.”

I place my hands on his cheeks. “I don’t care where we live, as long as we’re together.”

He closes his eyes but doesn’t say anything else. I don’t push him either. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Xavier Cold, it’s that he doesn’t do well when he’s ordered around. He operates on his own time.

We stand there for a while before Xavier releases a heavy sigh. “We should probably go in and figure out where we’re sleeping.” He grabs my hand and leads me up onto the back porch.

I tilt my head. “I just assumed we’d be sleeping in your old room.”

Xavier’s muscle twitches beneath the skin of his jaw. “We can’t do that.”

“Oh,” I say, deflated.

I was looking forward to seeing the room where Xavier had spent his time as a little boy. “Will you at least show me your old bedroom?”

“That’s not going to happen either.”

I furrow my brow. “Why not? Don’t you want me to see it?”

He unlocks the back door. “It’s not that, Anna.”

“Then . . . I don’t understand.” I’m completely confused.

“I never had a room. Not every kid had a room like you, Anna. I wasn’t blessed with a family who actually gave a shit when it came to me. I was lucky to be fed. Things like toys or a bed to sleep in weren’t things my grandmother thought I deserved.”

Pressure snakes around my heart, and I swear, it feels like it’s breaking. I know this might be crossing the line in regard to what he’s willing to say about his family, but I can’t stop my brain from wondering, and it will eat at me if I don’t get this out. “What about your mother? Didn’t she—”

“Anna . . .” he says my name with a bite to it.

“I’m sorry. This subject is off-limits—you’ve told me that so many times—but I want to understand you better. I want to know about your past.”

“My past is f*cked up. You know that. You’ve seen the way it affects me, firsthand, so you should understand why I don’t want to talk about it.” He opens the door and stares inside the house. “Can we not do this right now? Talking about it and being here—I can’t do it.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I’ll try to stop doing that.”

He sighs and turns to me. “I wish it wasn’t so damn hard to talk about my past. I want you to know me, but there are some demons that your goodness shouldn’t be exposed to. I don’t want God to look down at me, pissed that I tainted one of his angels with my darkness.”

My eyebrows knit together. “I’m no angel.”

“You are to me.” Xavier threads his fingers through mine. “Come on, beautiful. Let’s find a place to sleep.”

He reaches inside and flips on the lights to the kitchen. The cabinets are dated, and there’s a green-topped table with metal legs sitting in the middle of the small space. Like the living room, the chairs have plastic over them. We walk to the table, and I set the food down before we move into the living room. It’s the only other room I’ve seen in this house.

Xavier then leads me to the stairs, and we head up. My hand trails up the wood paneling as we reach the second floor. It’s no bigger up here than the first floor. There are three doors at the top of the stairs, and all of them are closed.

Xavier points toward the door directly across from the stairs. “Bathroom. It’s the only one in the house. The door to the right of that one is my mother’s old room, and the other door is Grandmother’s room.” He turns toward me. “The only thing I ask is that you not go into Grandmother’s room. I’ve never been in there, and that’s one door I want to always stay closed.”

My eyes wander over to the room in question, and I zero in on a padlock, sealing the door shut. “Is that why there’s a lock?”