Worthy Opponents(45)
“What do other parents do who work?” Spencer said, irritated by the counselor’s supercilious attitude when she went to the school to see her. She felt slightly betrayed by her sons. “What about doctors or lawyers? What do they do? I try to have dinner with the boys every night I can, but sometimes it’s just not possible.” Sometimes she was at the store till eight, dealing with a crisis. And now, with her new Free Love project, she was out at least two nights a week till late, sometimes three.
The Free Love project was a startling success. It hadn’t fully solved the problem of homeless people camping out in front of the store, but had reduced it considerably, and even more importantly, the team was reaching out to a segment of the population who were getting too little help from government agencies and none from private citizens. They couldn’t cure the problem and stop homelessness, but they were making a difference at a grassroots level. But was Spencer sacrificing her sons for them? She didn’t want that to happen. It was hard to do everything she had to do and meet all her parental obligations too. Everywhere she turned, all the responsibilities were on her shoulders, with no one to share them, and now the twins were showing signs that she wasn’t adequately providing emotionally for them. She felt like a failure. It was hard to feel like a success on every front, and sometimes on any front at all. Some part of her life was always falling through the cracks, no matter how hard she tried. The boys were the most important part of her life, and that part needed to go smoothly and be tucked up first, not last. She felt like a terrible mother as she listened to the counselor explain just how she was failing her sons. It was hard to get it all right, although God knew she tried. But trying didn’t count if she didn’t get it right, and the boys weren’t getting what they needed from her. Francine, although superbly competent with meals and bath time, was just a nanny and not their mother. It sounded to Spencer as though she was getting a failing grade in mothering. And she always hated hearing people say they “did their best” if they got poor results. It was no excuse.
“Let’s talk about some counseling for both boys after we get the evaluation on Ben. Axel is doing well in school, although I’d like to see him more outgoing, and less dependent on his brother,” the counselor said. “Is there anything you can do about their seeing more of their father? That seems to be upsetting them too,” she went on imperiously. Clearly, she was a woman who felt she had never fallen short on any subject, and believed that she was perfect. The oracle from God. She made Spencer feel like an utter disaster, and deeply humiliated. She was getting low marks in the most important part of her life, her children.
“No, there really is nothing I can do about their father,” Spencer said, sounding exasperated. “I’ve tried. We got divorced when they were very young, and he’s never been very involved, nor very interested. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
“And there are no other male figures in their lives? Family, uncles, grandfathers?” Nope, blew it again, Spencer thought. She had no boyfriend, no brothers, no male role models for them.
“I’m afraid not. And I can’t trade them for a pair of girls.” She was annoyed at the counselor. “We’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got.” It sounded like a lame excuse to Spencer.
“I’m sure you’re trying, Ms. Brooke. We just need to get better results. We’ll see what the evaluation says about how Ben is doing.” And then what? They fire her as a mother? What more could one do when one’s best was not enough? How did one ever give children all they needed, when life pulled you in a thousand directions all at once?
Spencer’s mother helped to reinforce Spencer’s sense of inadequacy. She pointed to everything she thought Spencer was doing wrong, and never to her successes. She thought that Spencer’s Free Love program was a ridiculous waste of time, money, and energy, and she couldn’t understand why Spencer would do it, since compassion for others and generosity to the less fortunate were not on her radar.
The only thing that cheered Spencer and reassured her that she was on the right path was working one-on-one with the homeless on the nights she did. It touched her deeply every time and added a profound joy, peace, and satisfaction to her life. And she was encouraged when they got Ben’s test results. He had a slight delay in reading ability but the educational psychologist found him to be happy and well-adjusted, so maybe Spencer was doing better than she feared, despite the school counselor’s initial critical appraisal. She had just assumed that Spencer was neglecting her kids, which wasn’t true.
Paul Trask walked into Spencer’s office and sat down on the same day the school counselor had called her, which he didn’t know. But Spencer was already feeling low after the initial call. He reminded her of how much the renovation after the fire had cost them out of pocket, above what was paid by the insurance, what several leaks had cost them for their deductible, and in lost merchandise, how still not having a strong online presence was giving their competitors an advantage. Her homeless program was a noble venture that she was financing with personal money, and it had reduced the severity of the homeless population immediately around the store. But she was trying to empty the ocean with a thimble, according to Paul, and if she wanted the store to have longevity, they would have to move eventually, and they couldn’t afford to do that without money from an investor.