With This Heart(44)

I rolled my eyes playfully.

“ How’s the salad?” he asked after swallowing a big bite of burger. I didn’t answer right away. I was distracted by his burger. It looked amazing. It had a meat patty, bacon, cheese, lettuce, onion, tomato, all shoved inside a buttery bun. The sounds Beck made as he chewed made me pierce my lettuce with a tad too much angst.

“ It’s great. Really… fresh ,” I answered without meeting his eye.

“ So you definitely don’t want a bite of this burger? I mean, of course you wouldn’t,” he teased before taking another big bite. I watched him chew with a look of pure ecstasy written across his face.

“ You’d hate it anyway. It’s cheesy and juicy. Definitely not your style,” he added, wiping his mouth while holding the burger with his other hand.

Before I thought better of it, I pushed off my seat and leaned across the booth to take a giant bite out of his burger. It hardly fit in my mouth, but I chewed with a big smile on my face anyway. Beck sat there stunned, his hazel eyes locked onto my mouth. My taste buds weren’t prepared for the flavor at first, but after another moment my mouth adjusted and I closed my eyes, appreciating the fatty amazingness.

“ When’s the last time you had meat?” Beck asked, continuing to stare at me with amazement.

“ Over twelve years ago,” I said with a full mouth, not caring how unladylike I was being.

“ Damn, that was hot.” A slow grin unwound across his lips.

I didn’t take any more bites of his burger. That first one hit my stomach with a thud and I knew that if I had any more, I’d be paying for it later. We paid and waited for our phones to charge up before heading back toward the Camper. The plan was to head to San Antonio next. They have a Riverwalk with tons of shops and restaurants you can stroll down. It would be the final stop before we headed toward Odessa.

We hopped in the Camper and were heading toward San Antonio when I turned my phone on. A cluster of ‘Missed Calls’ popped up onto the screen. Most of them were from my mom and dad, but then there were a few from Caroline’s mom as well. A dark, twisted feeling pierced my gut.

I pressed play on the first voice mail.

“ Abby, please call home as soon as possible. I have no clue where you are, but if you don’t respond soon we’re going to contact the police. I need to talk to you about Caroline, sweetie. Please call me back immediately.”

I didn’t even hesitate; I dialed home and pressed the phone so hard against my ear that it was cutting off circulation.

“ Abby!” My mom exclaimed. She picked up after the first ring.

“ Mom, I’m fin-”

“ Where have you been?” she yelled into the phone, cutting me off.

I pressed the tips of my fingers into my eyelids, trying to stay in control of my emotions.

“ I’ve been on a road trip, kind of. What’s wrong with Caroline?”

She breathed into the phone and I knew she was trying to pick her priorities. If Caroline was okay, she’d yell at me for leaving. If Caroline wasn’t okay, she’d worry about my punishment later.

“ Sweetie. You have to come home. Caroline was really sick. Last night they-”

I cut her off. “ Was really sick?”

“ Abby…” My mom tried to soothe me through the phone, but there was nothing she could say. My heart rate was picking up. My hands were shaking. I lost focus of my vision so that the world became a messy blur.

“ Is Caroline better now?” I asked with a hollow voice. My world caved in on itself like a collapsible tent. The sun seemed to shine too brightly, the air streamed too loudly out of the vents. Beck’s driving seemed slow, as if he didn’t realize that my world was slipping through my fingers with each passing second of this phone call.

Her silence said everything I needed to hear.

But finally she began. “No…Honey…Caroline passed aw-” she whispered, and I felt bile rise through to my throat.

“ I’m coming home. I’ll be there tonight,” I muttered, and then hung-up. My phone slipped out of my shaking hand and tumbled down to the floor of the camper.

Caroline.

Caroline died.

Caroline was no longer experiencing life.

She was no longer a person. She would never answer the phone if I called her. How can that be possible? They say you appreciate something more when it’s gone. That’s bullshit. I loved Caroline through every second of our friendship because we knew it was always terminal. We were never meant to be friends forever. When we first met, we both had timelines that weren’t even supposed to reach a new calendar year. Five years later, she was dead and my timeline was eternal in comparison.

“ Stop the car,” I demanded. We were on an empty stretch of highway with no other cars in sight. The sun was hanging high in the sky, heating the landscape and boiling my emotions even more.

Caroline lied to me. She told me she had eight months to live and she didn’t even have eight days. That selfless *. There was nothing but desert until the horizon met the sky. I had the black urn in my right hand. I left my shoes in the car and the sharp rocks were piercing the tender soles of my feet, but I didn’t care. I hoped I stepped on a million rocks. I hope they dug into my skin and drew blood.

Releasing a soul-crushing scream, I threw the urn as far as I could, watching it soar through the sky and then shatter into a million pieces once it collided with the ground. Wind picked up the dark grey ashes and spread them through the desert air. They moved organically, like a tiny tornado, but it wasn’t enough. I picked up rocks and threw them to where the urn had shattered. I reveled in the sound of rock hitting pottery. It dotted the landscape along with my angry sobs.