With This Heart(27)

Almost a mile away from our hotel I found a long fishing pier. There weren’t any fishermen on it. Maybe the water was too choppy or maybe it wasn’t fishing season. I had no clue. All that mattered was that I could traverse the wooden planks and have a perfect spot to spread some of the ashes. I dropped my bag and retrieved the urn. The tape was already starting to curl back from the edge, but I prayed that it would stay intact for the rest of the trip.

After a peek behind me to make sure I was truly alone, I peeled back the tape and popped the lid off. As soon as that urn opened, the wind picked up the particles of ash resting at the very top. I titled the urn a smidgen to the side and even more particles were carried off over the water. The ocean was a much better place to spread ashes than the center of the woods.

I watched the ashes twinkle in the sunlight. Most of them dropped to the surface of the water, but the wind swirled some around and around, taking them farther from the pier. No words or prayers came to mind, but a feeling settled in my stomach. Freedom. I smiled wide watching the symbols of my oppression being carried away by nature’s invisible force.

By the time I found a spot under an umbrella near our hotel, Beck still hadn’t arrived. Was he running a marathon or something? I pulled out my SPF 100 sunblock and peeled off my cover-up. I could already see a slight red glow dotting my thighs and shoulders. The perks of pale skin were endless.

Just as I was adjusting my navy bikini top, I heard Beck approaching. His signature laugh drifted toward me and I turned to see him talking to a girl I recognized from the hotel breakfast bar. How did he meet girls so quickly? I hadn’t come across one guy in nineteen years that seemed interested in me, yet it seemed as if girls approached him daily. Maybe I was playing for the wrong team. Maybe being a lesbian would be easier.

“ Yeah, hopefully we can make it.” I heard him telling the girl. Wait, what?

“ We?” she asked, and I quickly turned back around, hoping they hadn’t noticed me watching. Squeeze the lotion and put it on your arm like a normal person would do . I ended up squeezing it too hard and the lotion darted a few feet to the left, landing on the protruding belly of an old man sleeping. Oops.

“ Me and my friend, Abby.”

“ Oh,” the girl answered with a dejected sigh. “Okay, sure. It’ll start around eight.”

Yeah, whore. That’s me, his friend , Abby. Then the realization hit. Was I freaking friend-zoned?

“ Alright, cya.”

Oh god, I knew he was walking toward me then. I busied myself with reading the ingredients on the back of my organic sunscreen. Zinc Oxide, zinc oxide, zinc oxide. Beck plopped down next to me, jostling my shoulder slightly.

“ Oh hi, Beck! I didn’t see you there.” My voice was an octave higher than usual and my smile exuded fake sweetness.

He gave me an odd look and then nodded back to where he was just standing.

“ That girl is staying in our hotel. She invited us to a bonfire tonight on the beach.”


“ We or you?” I asked, and then instantly regretted my jealously. Why did I care? Beck could make out with her in the bonfire for all I cared, right? I uncapped the sunscreen and started lathering it down my arms.

“ We’re a packaged deal, Abby. Need some help?”

I almost refused, but Caroline’s face popped into my head. She would have yelled at me for turning him down. “Oh, sure. I’ve only done my arms.” I could feel my heart rate pick up and my hand shook a bit too obviously as I handed the bottle over. I’d watched enough movies to realize that a guy offering to put sunscreen on you meant that in about ten seconds he would accidentally untie my bikini top and then we’d have raunchy beach sex. Was I prepared for public sex? I hadn’t yet mastered private sex. Or, you know, anything past making out.

My breath caught when his hand hit my back. His touch felt sensual and warm, but not in an inappropriate way. He wasn’t trying to give me a massage or anything; it was just the way my body reacted to him. It felt like his palm was setting my skin on fire. I told myself it was the sunburn already sinking into my shoulders. Yep, that feeling was from the sun, not Beck.

“ How far did you run?” I croaked, trying to fill the silence.

“ Just six miles,” he answered, moving to the bottom of my bikini strings. His hands slipped under to make sure I didn’t get burned if my top shifted. It made my entire body buzz with nervous energy. I heard myself moan under my breath. What the hell? Did he hear that? Distract him.

“ Just?” I stumbled over the word like I was learning to speak for the first time. “I could maybe run one-tenth of a mile.”

“ We’ll get you training soon enough.”

I grunted with my disapproval.

“ I ran track in high school and college. Obviously MIT isn’t known for athletics, but it helped me stay in shape while I was hunkered down in the library for ten hours at a time.”

I imagined him wearing glasses, holding a book, and running with no shirt on. “If you become a vegetarian after our trip, I’ll go running with you tomorrow morning. Wait, no. I’ll buy a skateboard and a dog. Then I’ll hold the dog’s leash and let him pull me along side you.”

He laughed. “That’s cruel.”

“ It would be a really big dog. Or maybe a wolf.”

He rubbed the last bit of sunscreen into my shoulders and then handed the tube back to me. “Sounds good, let’s swim. My surprise doesn’t start for another hour.”