Willing Captive(16)

Yeah. That’s a pretty accurate explanation.

I’m an Antarean who’s lost its glow.

I haven’t been able to stomach much more than a handful of food each day. I’m depressed. I know it. It’s like going from one prison to another. Transferred, really. I feel weak. And alone. And not at all myself. Being helpless is a shitty feeling. The smallest things become overwhelming.

Nox comes to my room each night, places the rocking chair in my doorway, and watches me sleep. As if I’m going to try to escape again. I don’t have the energy to even try.

I’m so very tired.

Rock and Boo take turns trying to get me to eat. I can see they’re worried. I wish I cared enough to do it to make them happy. At least they treat me like a human. Not like Nox. He treats me like a prisoner.

It’s hard not to laugh around Rock. He’s such a clown. He always has a joke to tell or is doing something so seriously ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh at him. Last night, he tried to dry his socks in the microwave.

Yeah.

Then Boo yelled at him. She told him the oven works better.

Yeah.

I have no idea who I’m living with.

They aren’t exactly bad people. Now that my fear of them has worn off, I can see they aren’t all bad. They’re determined, though. Since the night I tried to run and Boo had that little talk with me about there being no better person to protect me than Nox, I’ve been torn.

My head tells me not to trust them, but my heart begs me to take a chance. I haven’t had friends in a long time. And hanging out with Rock and Boo…it almost feels like friendship.

Nox lurks in the shadows of the background. A ghostly figure of apparent protection. Boo and Rock force me out of my room and into the living room to watch TV with them. And there he’ll be, sitting at the breakfast bar, typing away on his laptop, looking over at us when he thinks no one is watching.

But I’m watching. Always watching.

What the hell is his deal?

Boo and Rock will talk, well, they’ll argue and I’ll listen, while Nox peers over at us through furrowed brows. They always try to include me in their conversations…well, arguments, but I don’t have a lot to say these days.

Nox bumped into me yesterday and I teetered, he steadied me by placing his large hands on my hips. I muttered quietly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.” And he looked at me like I’d lost my damn mind. Sometimes, I think it might be true.

Losing my mind, that is - very slowly.

So, here I am, lying in bed at two in the afternoon, trying not to misplace any more of my already fading mind. Not even reading is helping.

My stomach is in a constant clench, my body rigid, my head pounding, my teeth gritted. Tension has me strung tighter than a bow.

A knock on the doorframe brings me out of my head space. Lifting my head quickly, my vision swirls and I place a hand to my forehead to steady myself. Shaking my head a little, I see Boo stand there wearing a worried expression. “You okay, Deedee?”

“Fine, thanks. Just a little tired.” I answer quietly.

“Not sleeping well?”

Sleep? What is that? Running a hand through my knotted hair, I say, “Ah, no. Not so much. What’s up?”

Boo holds out a plate stacked with sandwiches, potato chips and fruit on it. It looks great but my stomach immediately tightens. Looks like this will be another wasted meal.

Smiling a completely forced smile, I tell her, “Thank you. It looks great.”

I don’t want to be mean to Boo; she’s only ever been nice to me, and even though I resent being kept here, she doesn’t deserve my bitchiness. Standing, I take the plate with a smile and put it on the nightstand. Her face falls as she questions, “You’re not hungry? You haven’t eaten much the last few days. Maybe eating would help your fatigue.”

Still wearing a strained smile, I lie, “Yeah. Sure. I’ll eat soon. Thanks again.”

Opening a book, I don’t look back up. I hear her leave and my body eases slightly. Not five minutes pass when Nox appears at my door, scowling.

Stomping over to the nightstand, he takes the plate and thrusts it under my chin. “Eat.”

I mentally sigh. I don’t want to deal with him right now. Taking the plate, I utter politely, “Thank you, but I’m not very hungry right now. I’ll eat later.”

“Bullshit.”

My head snaps up. “I beg your pardon?”

He leans down closer to me. “I said bullshit.” Not sure what to say, I lower my head back to my book and pretend to read. Nox goes on, “I get that you’re not very hungry. That’s fine. Actually quite normal in this situation. But I call bullshit on this change of attitude. What’s with all the pleases and thank yous? That’s not the fiery girl I met a week ago, and it sure as hell is not the girl I had under surveillance. What happened to her?” My body tenses further. Nox leans down and asks quietly, “Where’d she go, Lily?”

Suddenly angry, I whisper through curled lips, “You broke her, Nox. Happy now?”

My anger fades and is replaced with humiliation when he answers, “Hell no, she was a f*cking hoot. This pitiful version of her makes me mad. I don’t like this Lily, bring back the old one. You know? The strong one.”

Dropping my book, I ball my fists tightly by my sides.