Wife Number Seven (The Compound, #1)(6)

“Come in,” I said, watching as my husband cracked open the door.

“Is now a good time?” he asked.

Lehi was generally a polite man unless you made him angry, and then he transformed into someone unrecognizable. I’d managed to avoid Lehi’s wrath since joining the family, but had witnessed it directed at Leandra several times when errors were made in his weekly schedule, or the family budget was misused.

It was then that he’d raise his voice, his face turning the color of a beet. He’d throw things, punch walls, and then retreat to his study to calm down. Leandra was his first wife; they had a history and a unique relationship that I could never quite know, and most of me didn’t want to know. That was their relationship; I was told to focus on my own with him.

“Yes, of course.”

I stood up, shifting nervously as I stood barefoot in my long cotton nightgown, hoping that Lehi would approve of my appearance. A grin appeared on his face as he took in the sight of me, and I was relieved to have pleased him. He approached and extended his tanned hand to me, his fingers long and thin, and calloused from hard work. I placed my pale fingers into his palm and he squeezed them tightly, then led me to the bed.

“I’ve missed you,” he said as he ran his other hand through his brown hair, shot through with silver strands.

Lehi Cluff was exactly fifty years old when we’d married, more than double my age of nineteen. He had looked older than his years back then, and even more so now. Deep grooves bracketed his mouth and his skin sagged. Dark smudges ringed his eyes, signaling his exhaustion from balancing so many wives and children.

But I’d listened closely as he’d talked to me late at night when we were alone together. What he didn’t say was as telling, sometimes, as what he did. He’d never admit that this lifestyle, this gateway to the kingdom of heaven, was aging him at a rapid rate. Lehi was a devout elder of the church who believed wholeheartedly in what he’d been taught all his life. He was determined to please the prophet, maintain his place in the priesthood of the church, and die having lived the life he was meant to live.

Sheepishly, I nodded, knowing Lehi preferred that I allow him to control the conversation until after our lovemaking was over.

“Thank you for your patience. I’m sure this has been quite challenging.”

I shook my head and looked at the floor. Guilt consumed me. It wasn’t patience that motivated my cooperation; having Rebecca share my room was a welcome break from my time with Lehi. But I couldn’t let my husband know that.

“More than anyone, you welcomed Rebecca with open arms. And I appreciate that. As does our Lord. She was meant to join our family. Thank you for seeing that, Brinley.”

His fingers cupped my chin and guided my gaze so that it met his. His eyes were kind but detached, as if this was a routine he’d memorized years before. Slowly, he unbuttoned my nightgown and guided it to the floor. I turned my neck, allowing him access. Immediately, he placed perfunctory kisses on my skin, then gripped my braid in his hand and guided me to lie on the bed, under the covers.

Lehi always made sure the covers rested on his back when we laid together, and this night was no different. He nudged my legs apart with his knee and pushed himself inside me. A pinching sensation that I’d grown used to was present at first, but dissipated slightly as I desperately tried to relax and enjoy this time with my husband.

But I couldn’t.

Again and again he pushed inside me as I trained my gaze on the ceiling. I crossed my ankles behind his back, and my toes brushed against the crisp cotton sheets. Through it all, his lips never touched mine, his hands never left my neck or shoulders. A need swept over me, a desire to be touched elsewhere, to be wanted by him more, but I didn’t know how. As he pushed with all his might, I gripped his back and waited for it to end.

With one final grunt, Lehi sank onto my chest, breathing heavily, his exhales hot on my shoulder. I stroked his hair as his body calmed and within seconds, he’d grown soft again. He pulled away from me and sat up, then moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Thank you, Brinley.”

“Of course.”

I said that every time. Every single time.

One of the responsibilities of being a celestial wife of Lehi Cluff was for me to open myself to him physically. It was my obligation, my duty, my role. And I had accepted it.

But I knew something was wrong with me, something that kept me from enjoying our time together as much as he clearly enjoyed it. Rebecca said that Burt always gave her pleasure in her private areas. She called it a “release.” I’d never found a release, not once. When Lehi was inside me, I didn’t feel the pleasure that Rebecca had told me about. I didn’t feel a buildup of sensations or an eruption of pleasure. Every time he pushed himself inside me, I wondered what to do to make that happen. But I had no idea, which made it all the more clear that I was the problem.

“Maybe that did it.” Lehi rubbed the back of his neck. He was, of course, referring to the fact that we’d been married three years and I hadn’t yet become pregnant, despite our regular intercourse. There was a reason for that, but it was a reason that he could never know about.

“Maybe,” I said with a forced smile, and pulled the sheets up to cover my bare breasts.

“Perhaps Leandra can switch the calendar. I know it’s best for us to be together when you’re ovulating.”