Where One Goes(73)

“I love your breasts,” Ike says, breathless.

“Perv,” I jest and he grins.

“By now I have a serious case of blue balls, but you’re making me wait.”

In the image, he’s just taken off my shirt. Even though I’m wearing a bra, he stares at me, his brown eyes fixed on me as if I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. I watch myself stare back, and the want and need in that moment is palpable; it’s a living and breathing thing. I need to see this moment with Ike. “Maybe I’m ready by now.”

In this beautiful daydream, our surroundings swirl and we’re by the river under the large tree staring at one another. Ike’s soft gaze meets mine and while I see want and need, I see pain. This will be every bit brutal as it will beautiful. We’re giving ourselves to one another the only way we can, but afterwards, we must face the inevitable. We must let each other go.

“Take your shirt off,” I order him. He’s not wearing his normal Army uniform. He’s in a dark button up shirt and jeans. Our gazes remain locked as his fingers slowly undo each button while I slip off my jacket and kick my shoes off. When his shirt falls from his body, my mouth goes dry. He’s perfect. His large broad shoulders and arms are smooth, his dog tags resting against his firm chest. His abs are ripped and peppered with the faintest dusting of hair that trails down into the waist his pants.

“Now you,” he urges.





She’s nervous. And it’s beautiful. Her arms cross as she reaches down for the hem of her shirt and pulls it over her head, her long hair moving up with her shirt, but tumbling back down her shoulders and back as she tosses it aside. Even though I’m only imagining this, the image is so clear and feels so real. Stepping toward me, her hands move to my belt and begin undoing it, before she works on the button of my pants. Before she pulls them down, my hands graze her shoulders as I reach around and unhook her bra. It falls to the ground and I step back and admire her, memorizing every detail of her body that I can. Quickly I pick her up and lay her on the blanket. The day is warm, but there’s a slight chill in the air causing her skin to pebble with goose bumps. I pull her jeans and panties off and quickly remove my own. Before kneeling down and pressing my body to hers, I stare at her, naked and waiting for me. Fuck, she’s exquisite. My insides ache with want for her, but there’s a pain there, too. This is it. This is all there is for us. But it’s more than I thought I’d get so I’ll seize it. Once I feel her under me, her breasts against my chest, I tug the side of the blanket over us, keeping as much warmth around us and between us as I can.

“Are you ready?”

She licks her lips and nods yes. “I’ve never been more ready for anything in my entire life.”

Time stands still as we become one. Sadness lingers in her eyes as our gazes remain locked. She knows I’ll be gone soon. I’ve never experienced anything so agonizingly beautiful. I pray I’ll get to remember this on the other side, that whatever higher being there is will allow me to hold tightly to this memory. This is only a dream; the two of us imagining what could have been in another time or another life. Her breath on my neck, her hands and fingers pushing into the flesh of my back; all tragically beautiful memories I need because I’m not sure I can endure eternity without them. Grabbing my face, she slams her mouth to mine, kissing me fiercely. I push back, cursing the world that I can’t get closer. My thrusts quicken as she claws at me, catching my lips between her teeth, driving me f*cking crazy. I pull my lips from hers as she cries out, her body tensing.

“I love you, Ike,” she cries as a tear drifts down her cheek. With the tip of my tongue, I collect it before joining my mouth to hers again. It’s only moments later when she cries out in pleasure, and I finish seconds after, resting my forehead to hers as we both fight to catch our breath. I kiss her neck, her jawline, and her lips once more as she whimpers. Sitting up, I pull her to my side and tug the blanket over us. Her head rests on my shoulder as we watch the water glisten. I’d give anything to do this for real, not just imagine it.

“How do I let you go, Ike?” she whispers.

I have no answer for that. So I retreat back into our dream where I squeeze her tighter. The background changes and we’re at the bank of the river, and together we take turns narrating the life we’ll never have together. We watch a million memories play out before us, just over the water’s surface. Some of my favorites are our wedding day, the way she smiles at me when she reaches the altar. Another is her asleep on the sofa, her belly swollen and round with our child. And of course, the day our daughter is born, cradled in Charlotte’s arms as Charlotte smiles lovingly at me.

The images play on in beautiful and chaotic order. They’re not all perfect, in some we fight, but those are followed by the ones where we make up.

“I guess you never figured out I’m always right,” she jests as we watch an image of her throwing a pillow at me as she shouts.

“No,” I say as the image shows me grabbing her and kissing her fiercely causing all her anger to melt away. “I just like to stir you up so we can have epic makeup sex.” She chuckles softly and nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck. “What are we missing?” I ask her.

This,” she says just before she describes the image of an old man and woman sitting side by side in rocking chairs. It’s us after a lifetime together. She slips her wrinkled hand in mine as we stare out into the mountains from our front porch, watching the splendor of fall.