Where Lightning Strikes (Bleeding Stars #3)(97)

I gnashed my teeth so damned hard I was sure they’d be ground to nothing but powder, f*cking forcing myself not to respond. Not to give in when that was the only thing in the world I wanted.

Because all I wanted was her.

But I couldn’t have her.

Told her before, my heart wasn’t mine to give.

But f*ck, if it didn’t feel like she was taking all of it with her tonight.

Pausing, she slanted one last glance over her shoulder. “And for the record, I think we were the best idea you ever had.”

Then she softly clicked the door shut behind her.

And I let her go.

Like Ash said.

Most of us just broke our own damn hearts.

I stood there staring at the blank space where she’d been.

Hating myself.

Hating my choices.

Wishing I could go back and erase it all.

Somehow make it right.

“So that’s it…you’re really gonna stand there like a straight-up * and let her walk out that door?”

My eyes shot to the right where Ash and Zee were standing.

Shit.

I’d all but forgotten they were standing there, bearing witness to the shit-storm that continued to dominate my life.

“Nothing’s changed, Ash. Told you that before.”

Zee stepped forward, disappointment in the shake of his head. “Fuck you, Lyrik. I’ll go make sure your girl is safe at one-f*cking-o’clock in the morning.”

He stormed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

I winced with the loud clash of wood. At the truth of his words. At my actions. But I had no f*ckin’ idea how to make this right.

Ash scoffed low, voice even quieter. “You think everyone around here doesn’t know why you always take two, man? Why it’s too dangerous for you to have one girl, because you might just get close? Seems to me something has changed.”

He edged forward. There was something hostile about his approach. A ripple of anger and a rush of disgust.

Or maybe they were just reflections of my own.

Cocking his head to the side, he pinned me with a glare. “You really think Kenzie—”

He might as well have struck me in the face. Kicked me in the gut. My entire body reeled with the impact of her name.

My chest squeezed, heart slamming in its confines.

Ash caught it. His face pinched in slow disbelief, and he huffed out a breath. “You can’t even say her f*cking name, can you? All this f*cking time, and you can’t even say her name.”

“Stop,” I warned. Fighting. Fighting the anger. Just didn’t know who I was most angry with.

He kept right on, coming close, digging it in like a razor-sharp prod staked into my spirit. “You really think Kenzie is somewhere across town, jabbing needles in a black-haired Voodoo doll? Cursing your name? Hoping you’re rotting in hell?”

My laughter was brittle. Breaking like everything else inside me. “After what I did? You really think she’s not?”

He scoffed. “The only hell you’re in, man? It’s the one you created. You sentenced yourself, Lyrik, and that’s exactly where you’re gonna rot if you don’t wake the f*ck up and look at what’s right in front of you. Look at what you’ve been given…”

He flung his arm out to the side. “Because you just let the best damned thing that’s ever happened to you walk out the front door.”

Fucking Ash and the way he saw shit.

I shook my head, voice cold like a slow chill. “You know I can’t keep her.”

He sobered. “When are you gonna stop blaming yourself?”

I swallowed around the lump sitting like a rock in my throat.

He took another step forward, a move that seemed both pleading and predatory. “What about me, man? You still blamin’ me? You think it doesn’t kill me to know I had a part in it? Kill me to remember I was the one who’d convinced you to go that night?”

Emphatic and hard, his words were strained where he spat them close to my face. “Kenzie was a nice girl. And yeah, you f*cked up. You f*cked up bad. We were all so messed up then, doing everything wrong, making mistake after mistake. And I know it cost you the most. But I’m so f*cking done with this. So done with you thinking you don’t deserve to live. You lost, too, man. She wasn’t the only one who got hurt by that whole mess.”

I turned my head to the side, tone like grit. “I promised.”

He took a step back. “Yeah? Tell me what difference that promise has made? Who’s it benefited? Not her and sure as hell not you.”

“I promised. Not gonna go back on it now.”

Not ever.

He laughed, though there was nothing amused about it. “You and your f*cked up sense of loyalty. You think I didn’t see that bastard Eric at the after show tonight? And you know what, Lyrik? I’m glad you turn your back. That you won’t let him fill it with all his bullshit. But you do it for the wrong damned reasons. You do it out of obligation. You might as well sign with them…because we don’t need that kind of loyalty. Only thing you’re really loyal to is your misery.”

I pushed him out of my way, swiping the back of my hand across my mouth like it could wipe away some of the bitterness, forcing down the hatred boiling out. Needing air, I headed for the huge sliding doors that led to the pool.