When August Ends(17)

He lifted his brow. “You’re divorced, too?”

“No, what I mean is…you like to point out that I haven’t lived, that you’ve gone to college, traveled the world, and now, come to find out, you’ve been married. Our lives couldn’t have been more different—up until this point. Yet, here we are in the very same place looking at the same moon by the lake, both single and uncertain of the future. Don’t ask me how I know that about you—that you’re in some kind of limbo—I just do. We’re both in the very same place in life despite our past experiences and the years between us. Am I right? We’re not so different, Noah. We’re not. Maybe you were meant to meet me.”

He just looked at me and mocked, “So deep, you are.”

I laughed. “Asshole.”

“I see I don’t make you nervous anymore.”

“I’m not nervous at this point in time, no.”

“Good.” Noah stared into my eyes. Maybe what I’d said about us crossing paths had resonated with him. He seemed to be pondering something.

“What happened to your mother?” he finally asked. “Not that depression needs a reason, but how long has she been that way?”

Do I tell him? “My sister killed herself.”

It felt strange to utter those words aloud. This was the first time I’d spoken about it with someone other than my therapist.

A dark cloud crossed Noah’s face. “I’m sorry, Heather.”

“She was only twenty-five. Her name was Opal. She had some mental problems. She would act out when she wasn’t taking her meds. Sometimes she was okay, and other times not. She ran away from home when she was my age.”

I looked up at the night sky. “My sister was gorgeous, so it was scary to think she was out there on her own. We couldn’t stop her from leaving. We tried. But she was an adult. She originally left with a boyfriend, but they broke up. Then she just wandered from city to city, taking odd jobs when she was on her meds and could hold one down. We’d beg her to tell us where she was, but all she’d do was call from time to time to let us know she was okay. We didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until we received a call that she’d overdosed on pills at a motel off the highway in Connecticut. That was the worst night of my life. And my mother has blamed herself ever since for not doing more to make Opal come home. It’s why she’s so terrified of losing me. The whole situation just sucks.”

Noah closed his eyes momentarily. He seemed very affected by my story. It made me wonder if he’d experienced loss, too.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “That had to have been hard.”

Feeling emotional, I wanted nothing more than to distract from the sad thoughts. At the same time, thinking about my sister reminded me how short life is.

Yes.

Life is short.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

All we have is today.

If you have something to say, say it.

“I’m very attracted to you,” I blurted.

The words escaped my mouth before I could think about what saying them would mean.

Noah looked as if he didn’t quite know how to respond, but he shot me down. “Don’t…”

Despite his warning, I kept going like a runaway train.

“I know you think I’m too young for you. But I’m just gonna be honest. I don’t live a very exciting life. I do what I have to do, then wake up to another sunrise on the lake each day. I go to work and take care of my responsibilities. But for some inexplicable reason, since you moved in, something has awakened inside of me. I wake up excited. I’m very drawn to you…and very attracted to you. I don’t know if you feel the same way, or if maybe you’re trying not to because you think my age automatically makes me immature. I can assure you I’m not. Never in my life have I admitted my attraction to someone like I’m doing right now. I’ve never done anything like this. I—”

“I can’t, Heather.” He lowered his voice and repeated, “I can’t.”

A brisk evening wind suddenly blew things around. It was as if Mother Nature was trying to help distract from my embarrassment.

We sat through a few seconds of awkward silence until he said, “I’m flattered that you feel that way about me. I really am. And I think you’re beautiful…inside and out. But nothing can happen between us.”

I felt nauseous.

Oh my God.

Why did I just do that?

I knew why. I wanted him so badly I was willing to risk looking like an idiot for the chance to experience being with him. And it backfired. Big time.

One thing about me, though? I didn’t need to be told twice.

Okay, maybe this was the second time he’d made his lack of intentions toward me clear. But I didn’t need to be told a third time, and I vowed never to make an ass of myself in front of Noah Cavallari again.

“Well…I guess I’ll chalk this experience up to practice in putting myself out there and accepting rejection.” I stood. “Today has not been my day. I think I’m gonna turn in.”

“You don’t have to go.” Noah stood up, too. “Stay.”

“I really need to call it a night.”

He didn’t fight me on it. “Alright…”