What We Find (Sullivan's Crossing, #1)(71)

“I can’t wait to see what makes the time right,” she said. But she let him off the hook.

This was a new experience for Cal, this kind of courtship. When he’d met Lynne he knew the second he saw her that she was the one. Crazy as it was, he’d felt it reaching way down inside him. There was something about her that signaled stability, sense of purpose, commitment—the things he had desperately needed at the time. It didn’t hurt that she was beautiful, sexy and fun.

Maggie wasn’t really so different, it had just taken him longer to see it. She was equally stable with an uncanny sense of purpose, even though she was on hiatus from her purpose at the moment. He was attracted right away, but how hard was that? Maggie was hot—tall, lean, muscular with high cheekbones and a quirky, slightly crooked smile. And she didn’t know that about herself—that she was stunning, which only added to her sexiness. He loved the way she stood, one knee bent, her foot balanced on a toe like some kind of dancer. And there were a dozen other qualities that kept turning up, making his attraction stronger and stronger. Her strength was empowering. It was ironic—she thought her strength was running out and that she had to step back, but it was only growing stronger. She was a little afraid, given all the complications in her life, that’s all. She wasn’t weakening. She was so demanding of herself. She was demanding of others, too, but fair. He thought watching her with Sully was a premonition of what was to come when her future husband became old and infirm. She might not know it yet, but she was going to be just like Sully toward her children when she was old and creaky. She loved hard, but with compassion. She was fearless. Because she hurt over things that had happened to her professionally, she thought she was running out of courage, but it was the opposite. She was afraid her fast action and fearlessness was going to keep giving her trouble over and over. She was partly right—at some point you have to decide if you can take the heat. More specifically, you have to decide if what you do is worth the trouble. She was asking herself that question right now. He bet on her finding the answer soon.

Cal had certainly been down that road. His profession was no easier. Stress management was almost a hobby for him. The rush he got from winning kept him going back for more.

Then things changed.

It wasn’t just losing Lynne, though that was huge. It was the fact that those things he had done to protect himself and his wife hadn’t worked. He’d gotten himself a great education and then a big reputation for success. They said he had stars in his pockets, that he was destined for greatness. He bought a large, sturdy house, exactly the kind of house he thought people who knew what they were doing and where they were going would live in, large enough to hold a family and a future. They put down roots, got enmeshed in the community, poured themselves into each other and work. They even dealt very admirably and intelligently with Lynne’s condition.

Then one day she was sick and in pain. The next couple of days were okay, then bad days followed, then a few good... It wasn’t long before Lynne suffered disfigurement and chronic pain. She couldn’t work. Their lives became more of coping and praying than living and working. Her last six months had been hideous. Cal went to work because Lynne wanted him to, because she believed his work fed a need in him and that he’d have a life after her.

He had tried to make that true for her sake but it took every fiber of his being to keep from crumbling in front of her while she was going through the last months. Weeks. Days. The only thing that kept him upright was an overpowering need to match her courage; the only reason he tried to get on with his life was for her. The truth was, there were so many hours he just wanted to go with her. He felt like his insides had been pulled out, stomped on, stuffed back into him. Life without her seemed unendurable.

He kept trying after she was gone, and he did it not for himself but to honor her. All she wanted was for him to live, to find joy in life.

Well, that had taken a while. But here he was, remarkably, having a life. One he hadn’t planned but found intensely satisfying.

Between insurance, Lynne’s legacy, a couple of bonuses and the sale of the house, he had some money. He tried to turn the trust back to her parents but they wouldn’t have it—he had been a devoted husband and they appreciated his love and loyalty, especially during the darkest days. Lynne’s will left a few special items to her parents for remembrance’s sake but the rest to Cal. Now his quest was simple—he just wanted to belong to someone and something. Life was precious and not to be taken for granted, and he would not disgrace his wife’s memory with self-pity or misery. Part of that was being of service. It didn’t have to be winning the most high-profile case. Sometimes it was stocking shelves.

One of the many things Cal had learned was that the role he’d assumed as a kid, becoming the parent in a dysfunctional family, wasn’t temporary. He still had that need—to take care of people, watch over those he loved.

He was watching over Maggie. He was pretty sure she had no idea.

*



Maggie had packed a pair of jeans to wear on the drive home but instead she showered, blew out her hair and put on her dress, the one she had worn to court. She knew it would please Phoebe. She called her mother and asked if they could meet at her club for brunch because she wanted to talk.

While Cal made breakfast, she checked her email. She thought there might be a couple—word travels fast in hospitals. “Holy shit,” she said. There were over fifty!