What We Find (Sullivan's Crossing, #1)(38)

“I wish he wouldn’t push it,” she said.

“He’s not, according to him. He said the doctor gave him the go-ahead. Normal activities. And if he feels any discomfort, he’s supposed to rest. But he seems to be fine. You seem to be fine. Any thoughts of going back to work? Going back to your house in Denver?”

“I’m going back next week for a day to be deposed for that lawsuit, but to practice?” She shook her head. “Not yet. I’m thinking of staying through summer. Poor Sully. I can tell he wishes I’d go. My mother has been calling a lot—she’s appalled by my defection. Not just that I’m not practicing at the moment, but even worse for her—I’m spending my time here. I’ve been here seven weeks and by the texts and emails, people are surprised I’ve stretched it out this long. For now, I’m staying. Do you think I’m crazy, too? Because neurosurgeons just don’t do this?”

Cal laughed and shook his head. “Listen, life’s too short to choose unhappiness. Until you figure out how to live on your own terms, you do whatever you have to do. When I figure out what that means, I’ll be happy to share. For me, for now, I have a little exploring to do. Many times growing up we didn’t have a house anywhere and you’ve got two. I think you’ll be okay. You won’t get any judgment from me.”

“Well, this is Sully’s place, really. At some point I’ll have to work. I can’t expect my father to support me forever.”

He took a deep breath. He took her hands in his. “Maggie, I’m going to go away for a little while,” he said. “The time is perfect. I’m acclimated to the altitude, the forecast is good and I want some of that trail experience.”

“Why don’t you just make this your base camp and go out for a day here and there, like we’ve been doing?” she asked hopefully.

“I want to go north from here, camp along the way, watch summer hit Colorado, maybe go through Wyoming...”

“That’s a long hike,” she said.

“Not nearly as long as some. It’s what I came here to do. I have thinking to do—like where I’m going to settle, what I’m going to do for work. I’m thirty-seven and at loose ends. I had this crazy idea the Continental Divide would level me out, give me a sense of balance, make the answers come easier. I think the solitude on the trail might be good for me.”

She felt a panic in her gut. “I’m never going to see you again, am I.” She did not state it as a question.

“I’ll come back, Maggie. I don’t know that I’ll stay here, but I’ll come back.”

“When?”

“I have no idea. I don’t know if I’ll get enough of that trail in three days or three months. It will do me good. I think you need time to think, too.”

“You’re leaving your truck and camper?”

He shook his head. “There’s a place to park it in Leadville and I’ll get on the trail from there. Leadville’s not too far away and I don’t want it to be in your way here.”

“It wouldn’t be in the way. Sully offered...”

“I’m leaving it in Leadville. In the morning.”

“Crap,” she said, getting misty-eyed. Her nose immediately plugged up. “Can’t you leave in a few days? Give a girl a little time to get used to the idea?”

“This is better, honey. I told you from the day we met—I want to do this. I need to get out on the trail alone, just me and the inside of my head.”

“You’re leaving your truck in Leadville so you won’t have to come back here to get it in case you decide you’re done with this place. With me.”

“Not true. I will come back, I will see you again, but I don’t want you hanging on to a piece of me with expectations. I don’t want you looking at the truck and being reminded every day. I want you to be free to get on with your life. If you go back to Denver, I can find you there.”

“What in the world do you have to think about?” she demanded. “You’re almost the most normal man I’ve ever known! You are not even slightly f*cked-up! There’s nothing you can’t think about right here. In fact, I’ll promise not to talk to you for three months so you can work through whatever it is and then we can work out anything else...” She stopped herself. “I’m close to begging,” she said. “I’m not going to do that.”

“You know how you said you had a pileup in Denver? Everything crashed down on you at once? Well, I went through a rough patch myself. Not something I’m ready to talk about just yet. Maybe someday. That’s why I need some time alone. Alone against the challenge of the hike over the mountains and through some wild country. Alone with no one in sight, where I have to rely on myself. Sometimes that’s what it takes. You know, you get a little tired, depleted, deprived, you have to push yourself, then things start to fall into place. I’m counting on that. I promise I’ll get in touch when I’ve had all I can take of the trail. Okay?”

“Whatever,” she said. She tried to hide the fact that tears were leaking out of her eyes. For just a second she thought, I can tell him I’m coming up on a trial! That I need him! That I need the support! But she couldn’t.

“Come here,” he said. “Close to me. We’ll hold on to each other. It’s hard for me to leave, you know. But I should do this even if it’s hard. I have to look around the inside of my head and sort things out. You only think I’m the most normal guy in town—I have a gnarly mess in there. Now come on, kiss me. You’re like buried treasure, you know that? I hobbled into this camp with no idea I’d have you for a while. Maggie, Maggie, you’re so wonderful...”