What He Never Knew (What He Doesn't Know, #3)(40)

Purpose.

That was what I’d been missing before.

“Now,” Mom said after a moment. “Tell me who the boy is.”

My eyes shot open, heart picking up speed under my ribcage like a locomotive. “What?”

Mom smirked. “It’s not just music making you feel uncomfortably happy,” she mused. “Who’s the guy?”

I tried shaking my head, but my cheeks warmed, betraying my verbal insistence that there was no guy.

Mom just quirked one brow.

I sighed. “I mean… I guess, there kind of is a guy, but… we can’t… he’s kind of unavailable.”

“Does he have a girlfriend?”

“No,” I answered, picking my nails. “But, he’s just…”

My voice faded, because I had no idea how to even allude to the fact that the one and only male who could possibly be having an effect on my happiness was my piano teacher.

Mom smiled knowingly, rolling off her mat before carefully folding it up. “There are some situations when mothers aren’t the best source of advice,” she said. “Maybe you should call your roommate from Bramlock. I know she’d love to hear from you.”

My stomach twisted, months of unanswered texts throbbing at me like they were alive in my phone. When I’d left Bramlock, I’d left everything and everyone behind — including my roommate and closest friend, Reneé. I’d stopped posting on social, deleted my accounts altogether after a month, and I knew my mom’s heart wasn’t the only one I broke over the winter.

Reneé was my friend, and I’d blown her off. I’d blown everyone off. But, at the time, it felt like the only thing I could do. It felt like survival.

Fight or flight. And I flew.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that…” I whispered.

Mom’s brows furrowed, but she offered a knowing smile. “Okay. Well, I’m here if and when you do decide you want to talk about it. Until then, try to meditate on it.” She gave me a pointed look. “Actually meditate, not overthink.”

I laughed.

“I think it will help.”

“I think you’re right,” I agreed, hand floating up to my crystal. I rubbed the smooth sides of it, thoughts still whirling. “I had a dream about Dad the other night.”

A familiar shade of sadness passed over my mom’s face, one that mine favored more and more the older I got. “Oh?”

I nodded. “I wish he could see what I’ve been working on, that he could hear how I play now.” I paused. “I wonder if he’d be proud of me.”

“He is proud of you,” Mom assured me, a soft smile touching her lips. “And he does hear you. He’s with us, even when we feel alone.”

I nodded, but my heart ached with the yearning to have him actually here with us instead of metaphorically. I didn’t have the heart to tell my mother it wasn’t the same, but then again, I believed she already knew.

“I miss him,” I whispered, still rubbing the crystal.

“I miss him, too.”

A heaviness settled over us, but it was interrupted as Uncle Randall swung through my bedroom door with barely a knock to announce he was coming in. He smiled at me, and that smile doubled when he saw Mom’s face on my computer screen.

“Farah! What a lovely surprise. How are you, my dear?”

Mom smiled, but the edges of it were tight after what we’d been discussing. I wondered if seeing Uncle Randall was as hard for her as it was for me sometimes. He had the same eyes my father had, and the same too-wide smile.

“I’m very well, Randall. How are you?”

“Ah, can’t complain,” he said, rubbing his belly. “Especially after eating three of your sister-in-law’s lemon poppyseed cupcakes.” He turned to me then. “Don’t worry, I left the vegan ones for you.”

“I’m sure that was so hard for you.”

He chuckled. “Very tempting, I assure you.”

Uncle Randall chatted with my mom for a bit as I thought over all she’d said, wondering if her assessment of me having some sort of rebirth could be true. I did feel different, and I did feel more alive than I had since December. Still, it felt like there was this part of me that would always lay dormant, like there was a section of my heart and soul that I would never be able to bring back to life, no matter how I tried.

When Mom ended the call, Uncle Randall hung his hands on his hips, watching me fold up my yoga mat. “So, how have your lessons been going?”

“They’ve been going really well, actually,” I said as I stood, tucking my mat away behind the post of my bed. “I think we’ve really hit a stride.”

“It seems that way. You know, you’re smiling a lot more than you were when you first got here.”

His words manifested a smile in real time. “I’ve noticed that, too.”

“Have you noticed that Reese has also been smiling more?” my uncle asked. “I know you didn’t know much about him when you came here, but, he’s been through a lot. It’s nice to see him not as… moody.” He shook his head. “I swear, that man has a knack for bringing down everyone’s cheer when he walks into the teachers’ lounge. It’s like his gray cloud rains on anyone he gets around.”