Watch Me Fall (Ross Siblings, #5)(76)
“If that happened,” he said, leaning over to nip little kisses over the curve of her shoulder, “I would respect your position. Like you said, it’s your body.”
“You’re too good to be true,” she murmured, not sounding at all happy about it.
He knew at least two women who would disagree with her, and the thought of them was like a dash of cold water on his arousal. Hell. Raising his head, he made her look at him. “I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”
“Surprising. You seem to always know what I want you to say.”
“What?”
“You always have the right answers. Always. You always say exactly what I want to hear, what I need to hear. It’s very, very hard for me to trust that. You have to understand.”
“Except I haven’t said one damn thing to you that isn’t the truth, Starla. One thing about us is that we’ve always come from a place of truth, right? Your thing for Brian, my issues with marriage and kids and Macy—I mean, what the hell, I have all that going on, and you think I’m too good to be true? I may not be a psychotic * like your ex, but I probably bring more baggage and failures to the table than any of the men you’ve ever been with.”
“Please. I doubt it. Compared to the men I’ve been with, you’re a saint.”
Maybe it was crazy of him, but oh, how he resented that. Who the hell wanted to be a saint? “Is that supposed to put me off?”
“I don’t mean to put you off, Jared, but you really don’t know shit about me. And you swoop in and you save me and you talk about the future and us and…I just don’t think you know what the f*ck you’re talking about.” She flung herself over to the side of the bed and stood, pacing naked with her thumbnail between her teeth. Resentfully, he tried not to look at the work of art her body was. How the hell was any red-blooded male supposed to carry on a serious conversation with a naked woman with pierced nipples ten feet away from him? Not to mention what lay hidden between her legs…
He leaned on one elbow and drew a deep breath, trying to cleanse the images from his mind. “If I don’t know you, introduce me. Try me. Tell me something that you think will make me turn from you, if that’s what you want.”
She stopped and stared defiantly at him, placing her hands on her hips. “I’ve had threesomes. I’ve been with two men at once. I’ve been with a man and a woman at once—more than once, actually. I’m a voyeur. I like to watch more than I like to be watched. He doesn’t know it, but I watched Brian f*ck some random chick at a pre-Candace party a few years back, and by God, if it wasn’t one of the hottest moments of my life, and they didn’t even know I was there. I’ve never told another human being on the face of the earth about that, and I never will again.”
“Do you want me to be appalled or judge you or shame you? Is that what you’ve come to expect?”
She didn’t have to answer; he saw the yes all over her face. “You’ve been living under a rock if you aren’t aware of the double standard we live under. How men can nail every woman they meet and be a hero, but if a woman does the same thing, she’s a slut.”
“I haven’t nailed a hundred women, Star, and I never once judged you, so don’t take it out on me.”
“See, I know that. You should be even worse because you obviously put a lot of meaning into sex, and I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. I felt the meaning you put into it. I know it’s not all fun for you. I know you’re looking for something more. I can feel it. What I don’t know is why you feel the need to throw your list of conquests in my face like you want it to hurt me. It doesn’t, at least not in the way you think. And, yeah, I challenged you to do it, but I get the feeling you’ve been waiting for the chance. Why?”
To his astonishment, her eyes filled with tears. “Because you can’t fall for me.” She watched him as he climbed from the bed, watched in some kind of wretched, yearning despair as he moved closer to her, even fought him for half a second when he reached her. “I won’t let you.”
But she melted into his arms all the same, warm and soft and damp where her tearstained cheek met his naked chest. Breaking down after having tried to stay strong for too long; Jesus, he knew the feeling. And he had only two words for her. “Watch me.”
***
She wanted to die, or drop through the floor, or somehow disappear forever, but it wasn’t to be. The shame didn’t originate from her past, but from how she’d aimed every word at him like a dagger when he’d done absolutely nothing since she’d met him but be kind to her. If he had any sense at all behind those killer blue eyes, he would kick her out on her ass, and she would deserve it. She should throw herself down on her knees in front of him and beg him to love her forever, but it was because he meant so much to her that she didn’t. She was no good for him or his kids, despite everything she’d thought earlier tonight at the pizza place. A role model to young girls? What a f*cking laugh. She was rotten.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, clutching him tight so he wouldn’t try to make her look at him right now, as he was fond of doing. “I’m so sorry.”
Jared’s big hand stroked soothingly down her hair. “Shh. It’s all right, baby.”
“That was all a long time ago. Believe it or not, I used to be more f*cked-up than I am now.”