Walk the Edge (Thunder Road, #2)(67)

Message 1, Kyle: We should get together to figure out what my paper will be about. Maybe I can help you with the research.

Message 2, Kyle: You still need to let me know what you want in return for writing my papers.

Disappointment tastes like stomach bile. His paper is due soon, and if Razor doesn’t find out the identity of the fifth person, I’ll become something I never wanted to be: a cheater.

I roll my neck in an attempt to ward off the sore muscles caused by hunching over the code for too long. A quick check of the time and it’s no wonder I’m stiff. I retreated to my room after I put my younger siblings to bed at nine and I’m still sitting cross-legged in the middle of the single twin bed at midnight.

I scroll through my messages, hoping I missed one from Razor. Friday night, Razor and I texted while he was on break and then...nothing. I texted him again, but he never responded. It’s Sunday and my chest aches. I understood why we couldn’t talk Friday, because of his job, and I’m sure that’s why I haven’t heard from him, but I miss him.

My cell buzzes and my stupid heart leaps. One glance down and the bitter nausea returns. Kyle: You look sad at school sometimes. I didn’t do this to make you sad.

How exactly did he think blackmailing people would make them feel? Ecstatic? Included? He’s freaking psychotic, but Razor has told me to play nice. Me: Things have been tough at home lately. I’m fine. We’ll talk about your paper soon.

I power off my cell and toss it onto my nightstand. If it’s off, then I can pretend Razor’s contacting me instead of knowing he isn’t.

A knock on my door and my eyes widen when Mom walks into my room. Exhausted is the best way to describe her. Her black hair is knotted in a clip at the base of her neck, but several strands have broken loose. Dark circles are under her eyes and it’s like a few new worry lines have formed near the corners since dinner.

She’s in a Bellarmine University T-shirt, a gift I’m sure from Clara, and a pair of sweatpants. Mom’s in her early fifties and tonight is one of the rare nights it shows.

She smiles as she closes the door behind her. “Hi.”

“Hey,” I say. “I thought you were in bed.”

“Elsie had a nightmare and then Liam stopped by to talk.”

I had heard his car rattle into the drive about two hours ago. He works third shift and sometimes stops by here for leftovers before he clocks in.

Mom scans the room and I know what she sees: empty.

The bunk beds pressed into the corner are waiting for daughters who will probably never return for longer than a one-night visit. With Nora and Clara gone, the walls are barren except for the thousands of pushpin holes put there by my sisters in the blue paint. I could add my personality to the room, but it seems useless. As soon as I graduate, I’ll join the ranks of gone.

Mom sits on the edge of my bed and her forehead wrinkles as she notices the clutter. “What’s this?”

I gather up the papers and stuff them into my backpack. “Schoolwork. How’s Elsie?”

I should ask how Clara is, but I won’t. Liam told me Clara is having a rough time transitioning into her new environment, but he thinks she will graduate. Maybe she will. Maybe she won’t. I have to be honest, after being abandoned on the side of the road, I don’t have it in me to care.

“She’ll be fine. I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to talk—just the two of us—since I’ve been home. Your father said you did a fantastic job taking care of everyone while I was gone. Thank you.”

Not like Dad would know how things went. He was on the road more than he was home, but no one perished, nor was anyone physically scarred for life. It’s too early to judge the mental repercussions of me being in charge for two weeks.

Mom reaches over and curls over the ends of my hair as if that will give the straight locks some life. “I’m proud of you. Not just for stepping up when I was gone, but in everything you do. Your dad’s proud, too. He told me you’re living proof we did something right.”

I flinch as if she’s shoving a pickax into my chest.

“So...” Mom grins. It’s forced and it’s more tired than cheerful and it causes fear to tiptoe through my stomach. She’s not here because she was passing by my room. She’s here because she’s smelled blood. “I’m late, but as promised, I’m all yours.”

It’s impossible to meet my mother’s gaze. If only she’d said those words over a month ago maybe everything would be different.

Mom returned two weeks after Kyle began blackmailing me, and the moment she strolled in the door, Zac vomited. Paul and Elsie weren’t too far behind. Mom seemed to have forgotten her promise of being “all mine,” but I was okay with that. Kids puking trumps kid not puking.

Guess I could tell her, but instead of Mom just being disappointed in me for going to Shamrock’s and my time spent with Razor of the Reign of Terror, I’d also have to explain how I’m days away from writing a paper for Kyle. This is a grave I can’t seem to stop digging.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” she asks.

That I’m a failure. “Nothing.”

“It was something, and I know I didn’t handle things well when you came to me.” The way she speaks, it’s like she’s coaxing a spooked kitten from behind a couch. Too kind. Too understanding. She can’t even imagine the damage I’ve sustained. “I can’t change the past, but I’m here now. Talk to me, Bre.”