Vicious Minds (Children of Vice #4)(59)

“Ethan, I’m fine.”

“Do not lie to me. I can see it.” He squeezed my wrist. “I can see and feel you retreating.”

“I’m right here.” I tried to shake free of his grip. “What you’re seeing is just exhaustion—”

“Calliope!” he snapped again and shook his head. “I have seen you push yourself beyond human comprehension. Don’t make me feel as if I’m the crazy one for speaking up here.”

“What the fuck do you want from me, Ethan?”

“Your honesty, your love, and your loyalty.”

“You have it. I’m not the one screwing other people!” The moment the words came out of my mouth, my eyes widened. I didn’t mean that second part. No, I’m not that woman. “I mean—”

“I think you said what you meant,” he whispered, releasing my wrist.

“Don’t tell me what you fucking think I meant. I am not that woman. I am not that fragile. We came up with a plan. I agreed to it knowing everything because I, unlike most people, understand that the ends justify the means. I wouldn’t go back on my word nor what we agreed to years ago—”

“Because it hurts now?” he interrupted, and I stopped speaking. I really wanted to hold his face to the stovetop this time. “Logically we understand what needs to be done. Emotionally we don’t and it hurts.”

“I’m going to get the first aid kit before I hurt you,” I muttered, heading to the bathroom.

I said nothing to him. Walking into the bathroom, I shut the door behind me. The moment I got inside I had to rest against the door. He hadn’t done anything wrong—correction— he hadn’t done anything I didn’t know about and agree to. I had no right to be upset. Normally I wouldn’t be upset, but this wasn’t normal. The only thing normal about jealousy was that people experienced it.

“What is wrong with you, Calliope?” I asked myself, staring at my reflection for a second. In that second, I thought of how he looked while talking to Giovanna. I couldn’t help but watch on my camera. He looked so…happy, in love, relaxed, and sad. He was right. When we started this, we had thought about it in an impartial and logical manner. It was what made us so attracted to each other. This ability we had to plot and scheme. However, now that we were in the thick of it, now that we had a daughter, we didn’t know how to align our hearts with our minds. I didn’t think it was possible.

If we gave into our hearts, we’d abandon our plans, and our minds would never let us have peace. If we followed our minds, our hearts ached. Which path could we chose at this point but to follow our minds, which meant we’d have to accept the pain? We’d come too far. We’d sacrificed so much, been in so much pain, we couldn’t just change course now. I had to remember the Ethan outside of us, outside of Giovanna and I, was not the real Ethan. He was actor, a liar, a villain…just like me.

I reached under the sink, taking out the first aid kid before I opened the door again. He was still standing where I left him at the kitchen sink, running cold water on his hand. He looked lost in thought again. When I reached his side, I turned off the water. His green eyes shifted to me and I could see he was torn.

“Is it a curse or blessing that we think alike?” I put the kit on the table. I fished around for the burn cream and gently applied some to his hand. “After all, opposites attract.”

“Opposites may attract, but the like-minded last.” He watched my hands as I cared for him. “And you know that too; you just wanted to hear me say it.”

“You knew that too and still answered.” He didn’t say anything. I smirked, letting him off the hook and changing the subject. “You really are selfish. I was up all night taking care of her, and now I have to take care of you too.”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“Of course you will. You don’t have a choice in the matter.” I pulled a bandage from the kit.

“All of this isn’t necessary—”

“Shut up and let me do it anyway,” I muttered, wrapping his hand. “I don’t get to play cute girlfriend often.”

“Girlfriend?”

“Do you see a ring on my finger?”

“Do you want a ring?”

“If I wanted a ring, I would already have one.”

He sighed and spoke in Italian. “When the Grim Reaper asks for nothing now it’s because she will be collecting everything in the future.”

I rolled my eyes, finished with his hand, but he just held on to mine. “I hate that nickname.”

“We don’t choose what we are called,” he said with small grin.

“Fine, but why do you get to be the one who chooses? I am not a pet.”

“No, you’re the commander of death.”

I nodded vigorously. “That! That would have been a better name.”

“Calliope, the commander of death? What are you, a video game character? It sounds almost sarcastic. You don’t want to be a joke, do you?”

My eyes narrowed as I glared at him. “You are very fucking annoying sometimes, you know that? Why don’t you just stick with calling me la mia anima?”

“Yes. I know I annoy you. The feeling is often mutual.” He touched his forehead to mine. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. “Anyone else who calls you La mia anima, I will kill. Don’t let go of me. No matter how far over the line I go…don’t. What I told you before still stands. The moment you want to end this, I will.”