Vanish (Firelight #2)(49)

But it can’t be. I can’t let it.

With a shuddery breath, I turn my face from his hand and glance at the digital clock on the bedside table. “I’m not going to fall back asleep now. Why don’t we get an early start?”

He laughs. The mirthless sound is low and deep, shivering over my skin. “Fine. Go home. Run away, Jacinda. But it won’t change anything. You won’t forget me.”

He’s right. But I have to do my best to try.





Chapter 21

Stop here,” I announce, glancing at the quiet woods surrounding us, satisfied that we’re a safe enough distance from pride grounds. Far enough away that we won’t risk Nidia detecting us. At least I hope so.

I rub my sweating hands against the soft fabric of the sweatpants I wear and stare out the dirt-spotted windshield. We’ve spoken little since leaving the motel.

There’s nothing left to say. Still, the silence kills me, twists like a blade in my heart. I hate this, hate that it has to end this way. Hate that it has to end.

Will shuts off the engine. I close my eyes and inhale his musky, clean scent, listen to his soft sigh beside me . . . commit these things to memory as they’re my last of him.

“I’ll be back in a week.”

At this, I turn sharply to stare at him, opening my mouth to protest.

“Don’t tell me no,” he says harshly. It’s a voice I’ve never heard him use. With me, at least. He leans forward, clutching the steering wheel as though he would bend it with his bare hands. “I’ll see what I can do about your friend. What I can find out . . .”

For a moment, I can’t think who he means. My friend? Then I get it. He means Miram.

“I thought you said it was hopeless.”

His eyes hold mine. In the mid-morning light, I see their color. The golds and browns and greens. “For you, I would do anything. Especially if it means I’ll see you again.”

“Don’t risk yourself—”

“What do you think I’m doing here, Jacinda?” His gaze searches mine and I feel stupid. Of course, he’s risking himself. I’m not the only one with something to lose. With everything to lose. “I think you’re worth it, though.”

His words twist through me, make me feel like a quitter for giving up on us. But then I think of everything—everyone—I’m putting at risk. The lives affected if I choose Will right now. And I can’t do that. It’s not just about me.

“One week,” he repeats, and I mull that over.

This may just be his way of seeing me again, of trying to get more time with me . . . to change my mind, but it may also be Miram’s only chance.

I grasp the door handle, yank it down.

“Jacinda?”

At the sound of my name, I look back at him, feel a surge of the familiar longing.

“Noon. One week from today,” I agree.

“I’ll be here.” He nods, unsmiling, showing no expression as he holds my gaze hostage. His hand comes to rest over mine on the seat. My skin tingles, heats beneath his palm. I close my eyes in a pained blink, the selfish part of me still longing to go with him.

I slide my hand free and step from the Land Rover.

For a moment I stare out at the woods, silent and deep, the crowd of high pines casting a wide shadow. The wind blows, rustling leaves. I feel his gaze on me, but I don’t look behind me. It’s too tempting. Too hard to keep moving if I do.

With a deep breath, I start running. Sprinting through trees that press on me like familiar friends. Only they don’t feel so friendly anymore. They feel like the walls of a prison.

The guard makes me wait at the gate, talking into his radio and speaking in a low voice to someone. Severin, I’m sure. Who else would it be?

I glare at the boy as I stand beneath the ivy-covered arch, waiting . . . like an outsider that may or may not be granted admittance.

I spot Nidia hovering in the open door of her cottage, staring out at me with an unreadable gaze. Even she doesn’t come forward to meet me, and I wonder if I’ve lost her, too.

My sister is nowhere in sight, and I can’t help wondering whether she’s inside that cottage. Whether she senses I’m here, that I’ve returned, and just doesn’t care. Whether she thinks I abandoned her. The thought makes me feel slightly sick, hollow inside. Especially since she was a large part of why I came back. Tamra and Mom.

Severin arrives, sweeping me with his black gaze, fathomless as dark, endless space.

Several elders accompany him, winded, trying to keep up with his loping strides.

Cassian has no trouble. He’s there, too, at his father’s side, his gaze hungry for me, gliding over me as if seeking confirmation that I’ve actually returned, alive and well.

At least someone looks glad to see me.

Cassian steps forward and grasps my arms. “Jacinda.”

The breathy sound of my name full of relief and hope and expectation makes me look over my shoulder, wishing I were still with Will, wishing that I didn’t carry such tragic news.

His hands slide down my arms to my hands, his fingers threading with mine.

“Where’s Miram?” Severin asks the question. The question I’ve returned home to answer. I glance at him, then back to Cassian. Cassian with his deep, searching gaze. Still hopeful. Ever hopeful. His thumbs move in small circles on the backs of my hands.