Valorous(54)

Though I’m already trembling, I nod and she heads for the door. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

For a long time after she leaves the room, I stare at the gown, remembering the last time I wore one as a broken, traumatized girl. The sight of a doctor’s gown takes me right back to that long-ago night.

“Sweetheart?”

I almost forgot he’s there.

“The table, the gown… Brings it all back.”

“Let’s not do this, Nat. Not today anyway.”

“No, I want to get it over with. I’ll have to do it eventually if we’re going to have babies.” I turn to him. “We are going to have babies, aren’t we?”

He smiles sweetly at me. “As many as you want, sweetheart.”

My heart soars from the way he looks at me when he says that. “Then I guess I need to get over my doctor phobia.” I reach for the hem of the dress I wore in deference to the foundation meeting we’re attending afterward.

“Let me.” Starting with my dress, he removes my clothing one item at a time and then wraps the cotton gown around me, tying it at my waist. “You’re sure you want me in here for this?”

“I’m very sure. I just hope you’ll still want to have sex with me afterward.”

He puts his arms around me and brings me in close to him, propping his chin on the top of my head. “I’ll always want to have sex with you.”

We’re still standing there when the doctor knocks and enters the room.

“If you’ll have a seat on the table for me.” She goes over to the sink to wash her hands and prepare for the exam.

As I sit on the table, I begin to tremble violently. I’m not sure I can go through with this.

“Mr. Godfrey, you can have a seat here.” She refers to a stool that she positions at the head of the table.

“Come here, sweetheart.”

I lie back into his welcoming arms, and he cradles my head so that neither of us can see what’s happening elsewhere.

“Is this okay?”

I breathe in the sexy scent of his cologne, which calms and centers me. “Yeah.”

The doctor is good about telling me everything she’s doing before she does it, beginning with a breast exam that would’ve mortified me if Flynn hadn’t kept his head down, resting against mine. I get the sense he doesn’t want to look any more than I do. She talks to me about breast self-examination and how important it is to be diligent about prevention.

I hear her and I’m listening, but my eyes are tightly shut and I’m willing my way through it, wanting it to be over as fast as possible. She settles between my legs, drops the end of the table and guides my feet into stirrups.

Flashbacks of the last time my feet were in stirrups come rushing back, stealing the breath from my lungs. I’m sobbing, and nothing has even happened yet.

“Take it easy, sweetheart.” Flynn strokes my face and hair as he talks softly to me.

“Shall we continue?” the doctor asks.

“Yes,” I say. “Please.”

She explains the Pap procedure in detail and asks if it’s okay to proceed.

“Yes.” I close my eyes and grit my teeth.

Flynn holds my hand and whispers to me about the fun we’re going to have in Vegas, how we’ll be married by this time tomorrow, how much he loves me.

I’m sore from yesterday’s lovemaking, so I flinch when the speculum enters me, but she moves quickly and efficiently to take the samples. It’s over before I can give in to the hysteria that’s hovering just below the surface.

“How’re you doing, Natalie?”

“Okay,” I manage to say, though my jaw is locked.

“Now just two fingers to examine your uterus and ovaries.” Like before, she is quick but thorough. “Everything looks good, Natalie. You can sit up now.”

I’m still shaking, but the relief is profound. I did it. I got through it. She goes over my options for birth control, and after Flynn and I discuss it, we agree on a three-month injection, which will be fully effective in a week. Her nurse enters the room and gives me the shot.

The doctor surprises me when she hands me a written prescription. “Take this the next time you need to see a doctor. It’ll help to settle your nerves.”

“Thank you so much for your patience.”

“You’re very welcome. I hope you know it’s very common for sexual assault survivors to have doctor phobias after withstanding the assault and the rape exam. It’s not just you, honey.” She hands me her business card. “Please call if there’s anything I can do for you. My cell number is on the back. Call any time.”