Vacant(13)

"With you, Emily, I want to feel everything. I want it to be about you and me, us. It's not about the physical result at the end."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. I trust you, Ethan."

"No, to the left a little bit?" Emily can't seem to find a comfortable position.

"Better?"

"Uh, just give me a sec - " She winces again and I know this is painful. She tries to hide it, but I know.

Yep, complete disaster. I never should've agreed to this. It's uncomfortable for Emily, and there doesn't seem to be a way to make it better.

"Do you want to try on top?" I'm grasping at straws. I want this to be a good experience for her.

"Are you okay?" I know she fought back tears when I finally did it. She told me to just do it and get it over with. Not my proudest moment. It's not what any guy wants to hear: "Just get it over with."

"Yeah." Her confirmation is so small.

"Emily, I'm so sorry. I - " She interrupts me with her hand over my mouth.

"Please stop, Ethan. It won't always be like this. My mom..." her pause indicates that bringing up her mother is still hard for her. "My mom told me about sex. She said it would hurt the first few times, but she also told me that if I was with the right person it would be okay. I'm with the right man. You are right for me, Ethan. No one, and I do mean no one, has ever taken better care of me than you have, and, I know that you wanted this to be perfect, and it was. Please don't take that from me." Emily pauses to kiss me before she finishes.

"My first time could have gone so many ways, but it didn't. It was with someone that loves me, and who I love."

I can't help the sheepish smile that spreads across my lips. I decide Emily is so wise and mature and right. It was perfect - because it was us.

"I really like the third one we looked at."

"I do, too, but the second one had a gym, remember?"

Emily and I sit at the dinner table looking over brochures. We spent the day looking for an apartment in a better neighborhood with more amenities and a much higher monthly payment.

I'm a little concerned about finances, but Emily assures me we will be all right. She's getting her schooling paid for on a Pell Grant and working 25-30 hours a week, which is a big contribution. And me...well, I'm the new Assistant Manager for Ball's Grocer. That may not be a big deal for most people, but to me it's everything. I've never had a need to be in charge of anyone or anything. I just wanted to take care of myself, lay low and live one day at a time.

However, Margie just wouldn't let it go. She promoted me to cashier and kept on me. She was always in my ear talking about providing for my family. At first, I was defensive because I didn't have a family, but the more Margie talked, the more I realized she was right. Emily was my family, and maybe someday we could add to that. When the opportunity came up last week for an assistant manager position, Margie was there telling me to get my ass in gear and apply. She coached me through the interview process and helped me write a resume. I insisted that a cashier didn't need a resume, but she wouldn't let it go, and I'm glad she didn't.

"So if we get the one with the gym, are you going to become one of those gym rats? Always workin' out and flexing their muscles for the chicas?" While Emily wasn't one to get upset about me doing stuff without her, she still had a bit of a jealous streak. She says that girls used to leave me alone because I gave off some vibe, but now that we were together, Emily insists that other women thought they now had a chance.

If they only knew. My head hadn't turned toward another woman since the day I met Emily and that wouldn't change in the foreseeable future.

"Well, I was just thinking - " Emily looked down, unsure of what she was about to say. I hated it when she did that. I reached for her hand, cupping it in mine to encourage her to go on.

"I know that the gym on site is a big plus, but it's only a one-bedroom. The other one is a two-bedroom, and it's close to that elementary school." She turned red, blushing furiously.

"Yeah, but what would we need a second bedroom for?" I had to admit, while not necessary, it would be good for Emily to have her own area for studying.

"Well, it would be good as an office...and maybe someday, a bedroom..."

"I guess we could use a guest room, but we never have guests, Emily, so I'm not sure what the benefit would really be."

Yeah, I know, I'm an idiot.

"That's not what I meant - " but she didn't need to finish. As I flipped through the brochure, I saw a picture of a couple with a toddler. The tagline was promoting the family friendly atmosphere.

"Yeah, I think you're right. The two-bedroom is our best bet."

This has to be perfect. Ethan is the most amazing man, and I don't want to disappoint him. So everything has to be flawless. Margie has been a huge help, though, and I don't think I could have - or would have - done this without her.

Sometimes I'm so out of my element with this whole love and relationship thing. I know Ethan has more experience, but still... I want him to know how much he means to me. Margie had me over for a girl's night where we watched what she called "chick licks." She insisted that the surest way to be able to pull off the perfect anniversary was to see examples of perfect love on the big screen, or a forty-two inch, anyway.