Until Trevor (Until, #2)(59)
"No, you talked about it. You said what you wanted, and I told you that I don't want the same thing."
"Baby, I know you want the same thing as me."
"In Trevor's universe, I'm sure you think that." She stands, taking her plate to the sink.
"You love July." My anger is starting to surface, and I know that I need to stop before I say something I can’t take back.
"I do," she whispers. I can see tears forming in her eyes.
"Talk to me; tell me what the f*ck is going through your head?" I yell. Her eyes meet mine, and there is so much pain looking back at me that I flinch.
"I can't do it," she whispers, right before she runs out of the house. It takes a second to realize that the sound I hear is her car spitting up gravel in the driveway. "Fuck!" I roar, picking up her pill case and crushing it in my fist, before I throw them across the room, grab my keys, and head out to find my fiancée.
I have driven all over town, and called everyone and anyone who might know where Liz is, but no one has heard a word from her. Logically, I know that she's okay, but I feel sick with worry and know I won't be able to breathe easy until I can see her and touch her. Something in my brain makes me drive by the cemetery where her father is buried. When I see her car parked outside the gate, all the things I didn't understand, the things she has been keeping bottled up, slide into place. Shutting off the engine, I hop out of the truck and walk through the giant iron gates. I look to the left, seeing a bright blue blur off in the distance. When I get closer, I see Liz kneeling, her head to the ground in front of her father’s grave. Watching her small body shaking with sobs, my gut tightens, and my stomach drops. Seeing the woman I love in this kind of pain kills me. Once I reach her, I pull her into my arms, breathing her in.
"I can't do it. I love you, but I can't have your baby," she cries, her voice filled with so much pain that it feels like my skin is splitting open.
"Baby, what happened to your mom and dad is not going to happen to me and you." I feel her trying to climb into me; I hold her closer, trying to absorb some of her pain. "Your dad would want you to be as happy as possible," I whisper into her hair, running my hands up and down her back, trying to comfort her.
"I’m af–afraid that I’ll leave a kid behind like I was left behind. I d–d–don’t want that to happen," she stutters out, her body rocking against mine with the strength of her tears.
"Breathe, baby." I'm trying to speak quietly, stroking my hand down her back. "You know that we can't predict the future, but you and I not sharing the love that we have for each other with a life that we create together would be devastating to me. I love you so much more than I ever thought was possible to love another person. You have made me a better person, taught me that love—real love—is unconditional, and has no strings attached, and is given without expecting anything in return." I pull her face away from my body so I can see her eyes. "I want to share everything with you. All the good and the bad that life has to offer, I want you by my side for all of it.
"What happens if one or both of us dies? What happens then?"
"You can't live your life thinking ’what if‘. There are too many variables." I tell her honestly. "Do you think that if your dad knew that he was going to leave you while he was still young, while you were still young, that he wouldn't have wanted the time he had with you, Tim, and your mom? Or do you think that even with his time cut short, that he appreciated every single second that he had with y’all, knowing that he had his family and people who loved him.”
“He left me!” She cries harder.
“He did leave, but he never left you. He is always with you.”
“I miss him.”
“I know you do, baby,” I struggle out against the lump in my throat. “I know you do.”
“I don’t want anyone to miss me.” Her words are so quiet, that I hardly make them out.
“If something happened to you, I wouldn’t know how to go on without you. I would miss you every day; so would everyone else that you have given even the smallest amount of your time to. Every person you come in contact with is lucky to know someone like you. Knowing the kind of woman you are lets me know that when you become the mother to our children, they will be lucky, because you love so completely with everything you have.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Tell me,” I say, pulling her face out of my neck, looking into her eyes. As much as it would kill me to not have a child with her, if that is what she truly wanted, I would do it for her. “You don’t want a baby?” Her face goes slack; tears start to fall harder.
“When I think about never having a baby, it makes me feel sick,” she whispers. “But when I think about having a baby, I feel panic.” I nod my head in understanding.
“Have you ever talked to anyone about losing your dad?” She shakes her head. “Would you, if I went with you?”
“Do you think I’m crazy?”
“No, baby. I think that you haven’t ever had a chance to deal with losing your dad. Maybe talking to someone will help you get some closure.”
“I’m not ready to have a baby, Trevor. I love you and know that it’s something that you want, but I just…I’m not ready. I don’t know if I will ever be ready.” As much as her words make my heart ache, I know she’s right. Until she is completely ready, it wouldn’t be fair to force something on her that could give her anxiety; especially when it is supposed to be something that is celebrated.