Unbreak My Heart(46)

A dart of tension shoots through me as I think about tomorrow.

The last leg of the journey. The last chance to find answers.

I shut down my search and return to studying, but I scratch my neck, then my leg, and stare at the ceiling. The walls start to close in. I can feel the presence of my brother too much, and it’s clawing at my chest. Making it hard to breathe. I haven’t felt this way, too close to him, since I arrived here, but I also haven’t spent this much time in his space. I’ve had Holland here, or I’ve been in the city exploring. Now I’m here where he spent so many days and nights, and it’s just too much right now, especially after the temple and the teahouse.

Taking a deep breath, I stand, walk around, try to figure out what I need. Is this what Holland was worried about? I don’t want a pill. I want Holland, but I can’t remember a time when I didn’t crave her and can’t imagine a time when I won’t. But to have her, I have to figure this out myself.

I need a way out of this feeling—a healthy way.

I call Jeremy on Skype. Maybe some news about Sandy will ease my mind.

He answers quickly. “It’s almost midnight. You’re killing me.”

“Ha. You’re always up late. Did you crack level thirty on Call of Duty or something?”

“I wish. Just finished reviewing a term sheet.”

“What’s going on there? How’s work?”

“It’s great,” he says then tells me about the promotion he nabbed at the venture capital firm where he’s a junior associate.

“Congrats, man. That’s awesome.”

“Yeah, Sandy was super excited. She took me out for a nice IPA to celebrate.”

I laugh. “I love how you’re anthropomorphizing my dog.”

“She’s practically my dog now. She loves me.”

“What’s she doing right now?”

He switches to video. “This is the one and only time I will do this.”

He turns the phone toward my dog, who’s snoozing on the couch, legs up in the air. I smile like a crazy man, my heart jumping when I see my girl. “She looks happy.”

“She is. Hold on one second. I need to grab a Diet Coke.”

He sets down the phone, giving me a perfect view of his ceiling.

That’s a little dull.

But five seconds later, there’s a snout filling the screen.

“Hey girl,” I whisper.

Sandy tilts her head to the side.

“Do you miss me?”

The other side now.

“I miss you so much.” I scratch her chin on the screen. Scratch ’n’ Sniff dog.

Her ears perk up.

“I’ll see you soon. I can’t stand being away from you for long,” I tell her.

When Jeremy returns, he’s not alone. A pretty brunette is with him.

“Andrew, meet Callie. We’ve been seeing each other.”

She’s the girl from the photo. Holy smokes. He did it. Jeremy nabbed a woman with my dog greasing the wheels.

“Nice to meet you, Callie.” To Jeremy, I say, “Guess you aren’t working late, are you?”

He laughs. “I really was reviewing a term sheet. Now, we’re going to review other sheets.”

She swats him on the shoulder then drops a kiss on his cheek. That’s my cue to go.

I thank my buddy again for taking care of my dog, say goodbye, then drop the phone on the table and stare at nothing for a second.

That itchy feeling has dissipated. The walls are no longer closing in.

Talking to Sandy always sets me straight.

Moving forward is the key. Everything I’ve done is a step toward the other side of this pain—seeing Laini, talking to Kana, retracing Ian’s steps through the city.

Going to see his doctor tomorrow.

I think about tomorrow, and about Ian, and about answers.

Now, I’m seeing paths I didn’t notice on the map before.

I’m seeing a problem I think I can solve.

I stand and pace.

There’s a zigzagging pattern of ideas in my head, but the lines don’t entirely connect. They feel like threads on a conspiracy board in a movie, and I’m trying desperately to connect the dots.

I blink, and the connections start to tighten. The possibilities turn crisper. I head to the entryway table and tap the stack of cards, letters, and the Dodgers cap.

I pick up the magnet from Silverspinner Lanes and flip it over. This one eludes me. But the others . . .

Ideas fly faster, coalescing into one.

Could it be?

Is that the answer?

I need to get outside and clear my head, no matter how hot it is.

I pace through the streets of broiling Shibuya, past arcades, past shops selling socks with hearts and rainbow stripes, past pachinko parlors where people are winning cat erasers and manga figurines. I wander by cell phone stores and crepe dealers and a nail salon, trying to see them all through Ian’s eyes. Like the dog mosaic outside the subway station, and the jumbo screen on the building across the street. I’m trying to see everything here through a new prism. I picture my brother at the temple. I see him at the teahouse. A snapshot of him at the fish market shooting the breeze with Mike flashes before me. I imagine what he was feeling.

The noodle shops, the shopping arcade, the concerts, and the woman.