Ugly Love(60)

I try to contain it, but I can’t. His words make me gasp, even though it was probably the quietest gasp to ever pass anyone’s lips.
But he notices.
His eyes meet mine in a flash, and I can see him wanting to backpedal. He wants to take back what he just said, because there was hope in those words. Miles doesn’t say things like that. I know he’s about to apologize. He’s going to remind me that he can’t love me, that he didn’t mean to give me that inkling of false hope.
Don’t take it back, Miles. Please, let me keep that.
Our eyes remain locked for several long seconds. I continue to stare up at him, waiting for the take-back. His fingers are still on the second button of my shirt, but they’re not attempting to unbutton it anymore.
He focuses on my mouth, then back to my eyes again, then back to my mouth. “Tate,” he whispers. He says my name so softly I’m not even sure if his mouth moves.
I don’t have time to respond. His hand leaves the button of my shirt and slides through my hair at the same moment as his lips connect fiercely with mine. He slides his body on top of me, and his kiss instantly becomes intense. Deep. Dominating. His kiss is full of something that’s never been there before. Full of feeling. Full of hope.
Until this moment, I thought a kiss was a kiss was a kiss. I had no idea kisses could mean different things and feel so completely opposite from one another. In the past, I’ve always felt passion and desire and lust . . . but this time, it’s different.
This kiss is a different Miles, and I know in my heart that it’s the real Miles. The Miles he used to be. The Miles I’m not allowed to ask about.
? ? ?

He rolls off of me when he’s finished.
I stare up at the ceiling.
My head is full of so many questions. My heart is full of confusion. This thing between us has never been easy. One would think limiting oneself to just sex would be the simplest thing in the world, but it makes me question every move and every word that comes out of my mouth. I find myself analyzing every look he gives me.
I don’t even know what move I’m supposed to make next. Do I lie here until he asks me to leave? I’ve never stayed the night with him before. Do I roll over and put my arms around him, hoping he’ll hold me in return until we fall asleep? I’m too scared he’ll reject me.
I’m stupid.
I’m a stupid, stupid girl.
Why can’t this just be sex for me, too? Why can’t I come over here, give him what he wants, get what I want, and leave?
I roll onto my side and slowly sit up. I reach down for my clothes, then stand up and dress myself. He’s watching me. He’s quiet.
I avoid looking at him until I’m fully dressed and slipping on my shoes. As much as I want to crawl back into the bed with him, I walk toward the door instead. I don’t turn around to face him when I say, “See you tomorrow, Miles.”
I make it all the way to his front door. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t tell me he’ll see me tomorrow, and he doesn’t tell me good-bye.
I’m hoping his silence is proof that he doesn’t like how it feels to be walked away from.
I open the door and walk across the hall and into my apartment. Corbin is seated on the couch, watching TV. He glances up at the door when he hears me enter, then shoots me a condescending look of disapproval.
“Lighten up,” I say as I make my way inside. I slip off my shoes by the door. “You have to get over this eventually.”
I see him shake his head, but I ignore it and walk toward my bedroom.
“He was screwing you behind my back and lying to me,” Corbin says. “That’s not something I’ll get over.”
I face the living room again and see that Corbin is looking at me. “Did you expect him to be open with you about it? My God, Corbin. You kicked Dillon out of your apartment for looking at me the wrong way.”
Corbin stands up, angry now. “Exactly!” he shouts. “I thought Miles was protecting you from Dillon, when in reality, he was laying claim! He’s a goddamn hypocrite, and I’ll be pissed at him for as long as I want to be pissed at him, so you get over it!”
I laugh, because Corbin has no right to point fingers.
“What’s funny, Tate?” he snaps.
I walk back to the living room and stand directly in front of him. “Miles has been nothing but honest with me about what he wants. He hasn’t once fed me a line of bullshit. I’m the only girl he’s been with in six years, and you’re going to call him a hypocrite?” I don’t even try to keep my voice down anymore. “You might want to look in the mirror, Corbin. How many girls have you been with since I’ve moved in here? How many of them do you think have brothers who would love to kick your ass if they found out about you? If anyone’s the hypocrite here, it’s you!”
His hands are on his hips, and he’s watching me with a hardened look in his eyes. When he fails to respond, I turn to walk back toward my room, but the front door opens with a knock.
Miles.
Corbin and I both turn, just as he peeks his head inside. “Everything good over here?” he asks, stepping into the living room.
I glance at Corbin, and Corbin glares at me. I arch an eyebrow, waiting for him to respond to the question Miles posed, since he’s the one with the issue.
“You okay, Tate?” Miles asks, addressing only me now.
I look back over at him and nod. “I’m fine,” I say. “I’m not the one with unrealistic expectations of my sibling.”
Corbin groans loudly, then turns around and kicks the couch. Miles and I watch him as he slides his hands through his hair and grips the back of his neck tightly. He turns to face Miles again, then exhales heavily.