Turning Point(14)

“What kind of opportunity?” He eyed her with suspicion. Announcements like that usually meant some extremely demanding project that would eat into her time with him and the kids. He knew her well.

    “Apparently, the Department of Emergency Management is sponsoring an exchange through the mayor’s office, with Paris as our sister city, to pool information and protocols about terrorist attacks. They’re sending four doctors from San Francisco to Paris to work with their emergency services there, and then four French doctors will come here to learn what they can from us. It’s a terrific idea.”

“For how long?” Andy asked, frowning. He sensed immediately that there was more.

“A few weeks,” she said vaguely, and then decided she’d better level with him. “A month,” she added in a small voice.

“And you want to go?” He looked shocked.

“Actually, UCSF asked me to go as their representative. It’s all trauma docs from the Bay Area. UCSF was invited to send the doctor of their choice, and I’m it. It’s a big honor,” she added, trying to convince him, and she could see it didn’t.

“Jesus, Steph. You want to go away for a month?” He looked at her in astonishment. “What about your kids…and me? What are we supposed to do for a month?”

“You could come with me,” she said, throwing it out there to pacify him. He looked upset.

“With two small kids, while you work all day and night with a bunch of French doctors and we never see you? That makes no sense, and the boys would go nuts in a hotel. They’re better off here in school. But that’s a long time for you to leave them. I’m beginning to feel like we’re getting in your way. It didn’t used to be like this. You balanced work and our family, but now, little by little your job is becoming your priority, and sometimes I feel like you forget about us entirely. I think you have some choices to make, Steph.” He sounded harsh and angry, and her heart sank.

    “What is that supposed to mean? Give up my family or my job? My father never did. He was a busy obstetrician, and sometimes he delivered babies almost every night for weeks. We hardly ever saw him, and nobody asked him to choose between his work and us. My mother made it work, for all of us.”

“I’m trying to make it work too, but maybe the world isn’t quite as fair as you think. I’m your husband, not an au pair. I want to work on my career too. This whole family is not just about supporting you. And now you want to go to Paris for a month. Where does that leave us, Steph? What am I supposed to think? What’s your priority here? Work or us?” He couldn’t see her giving up a month in Paris to stay home with them. And if she did, he knew she would feel cheated, and in some ways she wasn’t wrong. It was a fabulous invitation for her. But it was going to come out of his hide whether she went or she didn’t. The balance of responsibilities, and the way they’d agreed to divide them up, was beginning to weigh heavily on him. The deal they’d made to support her career came at a high price for him. And she never said it, but she thought medicine and saving lives were more important than writing, no matter how talented he was.

“Why does it have to be a choice?” She argued with him, but didn’t want it to escalate into a fight. If it did, she knew they would both lose. And he had a point. Her career had become increasingly demanding in the last year. But he knew what she did when he married her. Hers wasn’t a nine-to-five job, particularly in trauma, where they dealt with life-threatening emergencies every day. Sometimes she had to go in, even if she wasn’t on call, because she was the best doctor for the job. But it was creating a lot of conflicts for them at home. “I’m torn about it too,” she said in a gentle voice, trying to stay calm. “I hate leaving you and the boys, but I’d love to be part of this exchange. It’s an honor to be asked, and I could learn so much. It could open doors for me at work,” and close doors at home, if Andy resented it and held it against her. He had the power to hurt her severely, or even get tired of their life and have an affair, or leave her. He met lots of attractive young mothers every day, schoolteachers, and probably other women she knew nothing about, and he was great-looking and a nice guy. But in some ways, he was holding her back and making her feel guilty all the time. Things hadn’t been as smooth between them for the past year, and she never had enough free time to make it up to him. He was angry almost all the time.

    “I don’t want to be the bad guy here,” he said firmly, then finished his wine and stood up. Their cozy moment in front of the fire had come to a bad end. “I’m not going to deprive you of this and tell you that you can’t go. You have to make up your own mind,” but it was obvious from the way he said it that there would be a price to pay, possibly a big one, if she went. He was monumentally upset about the trip. “And when you’re figuring it out,” he said in an icy tone, “try to remember that you have a husband and two kids. Maybe married doctors with young children don’t get to trot all over the world, going to monthlong conferences in other countries. There are sacrifices one has to make.”

“I do,” she said, sounding lame even to herself. “I give up plenty of stuff to do my job and be home with you as much as I can. It’s a hard juggling act for me too,” more than it was for him without a regular job. And this was the choice they’d made and agreed to when Aden was born. It was just harder than they’d expected six years later. Andy got angry now every time she had to go to work in the middle of the night, or came home hours late, or wasn’t free to have dinner with their friends. But she made a good living, which they relied on. He didn’t make enough to afford the kids’ school, and the mortgage on the house, both of which she paid for. They never talked about it, but the reality was there. He had become a stay-at-home dad and kept trying to make his writing career a success, but hadn’t made real money at it yet. She never complained about how little money he made. That wasn’t the issue. The real issue was that she wanted the freedom to do her job, and enjoy the perks, without Andy and the kids holding her back.