Touch Me Not (Manwhore, #1)(38)

She gave him a hesitant smile.

“Do you want to talk about how it made you feel?” he asked. “You weren’t expecting to feel anything but fear, were you?”

“I’ve never done anything like that,” she whispered. “I’ve read books like that. When a woman gives up control and willingly lets a guy hurt her…”

“Did I hurt you, Lily?” he interrupted her, his voice hard and unyielding. He wouldn’t let her think this was like those cheesy erotica novels about BDSM. It wasn’t. He didn’t hurt women for kinks. He liked control, yes, but to do some of the stuff he’d seen in the clubs he frequented? That wasn’t him.

“No,” she admitted. “It’s just when you said you were going to cover my eyes, I thought…” She shook her head. “I’m not that girl, Nikoli, a…a submissive. The one who lets a man take advantage of her, hurt her, use her for his own satisfaction.”

“You’ve got a skewed perception of the lifestyle, Lily,” he said. “It’s not about hurting a woman or using her. It’s about satisfying needs, about trust, and respect.”

“But how is it about respect when you take away someone’s control?”

“Lily, you obeyed the commands I gave you today. Why?”

He watched a myriad of emotions cross her face as she tried to articulate her answer. More than anything, the part of him that was the dominant alpha male wanted to hold her, to tell her it was okay, he’d take care of everything, but he couldn’t do that with her. She needed to come to grips with her own fears first.

“Can I sit?” she asked, her hands worrying each other. Nikoli smiled. She didn’t even realize she’d asked permission. He nodded.

She collapsed onto the bed. “At first, I was curious. Then, it was about trying to overcome the paralyzing fear I felt at the thought of what you might do when I couldn’t see it coming.”

“But it changed, didn’t it, Milaya?” He sat down beside her, barely an inch separating their bodies. “You found you wanted to obey, to do as I asked. Your body reacted to my voice, and that confused you.”

Lily nodded, not looking at him. “It went from fear to…to anticipation.”

Nikoli smiled and pride swelled within him. She was being honest, and that, more than anything, was going to cement his authority and her trust, her submission to him. It had to be hard for her, but she didn’t hide from it.

“Look at me, Lily.”

She looked up, her face hesitant.

“What you felt was natural. You were curious, your body reacted to the desire you felt. It let you know what it wanted, even when you weren’t capable of understanding it. Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not afraid of you.”

He chuckled. “You should be, Milaya. You should be terrified of me.”

“I know,” she told him, her voice breathy, and his own breathing hitched in reaction. He leaned in closer, his shoulder brushing hers. She gasped, her mouth parting as the sound slipped out. His eyes focused on her lips. They were full, lush, and had inspired all sorts of fantasies the last few days. It would be so easy to lean in and brush her lips with his. She tilted her head up, her eyes questioning.

Nikoli leaned in, so close he could smell the strawberry and vanilla scent of her shampoo and body wash. It drove him slightly crazy every time he was in close proximity to her.

“Would you be okay if I kissed you?” He inhaled the sweet scent of her that was sure to drive him mad.

“Maybe.” Lily drew in a ragged breath, but didn’t move away. She moved closer to him, and Nikoli groaned. He’d been fantasizing about her lips all day. Just the thought of actually kissing her nearly sent him over the edge right then.

He lowered his head to hers, his nose brushing hers. She didn’t flinch. She went completely still, but she didn’t flinch. He heard her gasp, the soft intake of breath. His eyes looked into hers. He saw the desire. Saw the fear, but mostly he saw trust. She trusted him not to force her to do anything she couldn’t do. She trusted him not to become angry if she couldn’t do it.

That, more than anything else, made Lily Holmes the most dangerous creature he’d ever encountered. She could break him, and he didn’t care.

His breath feathered across her lips. He waited. She still hadn’t moved, but he could see her fingers tearing at each other. She was scared and nervous. He’d go slowly if it killed him. And it just might. “Are you good, Milaya?”

“Yes,” she whispered. He could smell the peppermint on her breath.

“Good girl,” he said and started to move closer, to close the tiny gap between their lips…

“Lily!” The pounding on the door started seconds after the bellow. Nikoli groaned.

“Ignore it,” he pleaded, even as Lily started to move away.

“I can’t.” She sounded just as frustrated as he did, but she got up and answered the door.

Nikoli sighed and let himself fall backward on her bed. So close. So damn close. He wasn’t sure if she’d let him try again. She’d been so nervous to begin with, she might have seen the door as the proverbial bell that saved her. Not kissing her might even set them back in their progress, dammit. She’d get all nervous and start having doubts. He had to keep her in the now, not let her past haunt her.