To the Stars (Thatch #2)(28)
I froze. In the years of going through all this, in the years of him having sex with someone who couldn’t bear to look at him or take part in it, Collin had never questioned my love for him. Dread filled me, making it feel like there were hands gripping and twisting my stomach. His questioning something like this would end horribly. “Collin, don’t be ridi—”
“Do not speak.” His fingers dug into the inside of my forearm, and my mouth immediately popped open, a harsh breath blowing past my lips. “Don’t show your pain, Harlow,” he warned.
I snapped my mouth shut and tried to control my expression, but I knew I wasn’t succeeding when his fingers pressed in harder.
“Do not show your pain,” he gritted out—his smile never wavered.
I clenched my jaw and somehow managed to plaster a tight-lipped smile on my face.
Collin’s lips ghosted along my neck. “Do you love me, Harlow?” His grip loosened enough to allow me to answer.
I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I turned my face toward his so our cheeks were touching, knowing I had to play this the right way and answer correctly. Saying something as simple as “of course I do” would set him off.
Swallowing back my hate, I glanced over Collin’s shoulder to the man who owned me and shut my eyes—keeping Knox’s face in my mind as I said, “It hurts me that you would even ask that.” I lifted the hand that wasn’t being controlled by a pressure point to brush at Collin’s blond hair, and let my eyes finally meet his as I made a decision that would spare me now, and cost me later. “I lied to you earlier, and I’m so sorry I did; I didn’t want to ruin tonight for you,” I said with a gentle smile on my face. “I don’t feel well; the last few days have been iffy for me. I’ve been tired and nauseous. I really think when we take the test next week, this will be it for us.”
Collin’s face fell and his fingers instantly released me before his blue eyes brightened, and a smile I rarely saw lit up his face. “Harlow,” he breathed.
“I just didn’t want to get your hopes up since we’ve had such a hard time getting pregnant, and like I said, I didn’t want to ruin tonight. But faking loving you? Collin . . .” I let the lingering pain in my arm lace through my voice for emphasis.
He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his lips to mine briefly before dropping his forehead onto my own. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. God, baby, I want this for us so bad.”
I let my lips tilt up in a smile. “Me, too.”
“You really think this is it?”
“I do,” I said. The lie came easily. “At least, I’m hoping it is. I just—I’m trying not to let myself get too excited yet, you know?”
“Of course. Of course I do. God, Harlow, I love you.”
My eyes flashed to the side and I kept my eyes on the man across the room as I said with more passion than I’d ever shown Collin, “I love you, too.”
I tried to ignore the fact that the wrong lips were on mine when my husband kissed me. I knew what I’d just done. I also knew that if given a second chance, I would do it again.
For the first time in our marriage, I’d used the one thing Collin wanted against him. I’d just spared myself a week of any more pressure points and beatings. I’d spared myself a night of unknown torture. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to use this again for years to come. And I knew that when it came time to take the test next week, it would be the biggest disappointment for him, and the worst Saturday since our wedding.
There was no way to win with him. And despite the upcoming dreaded day, I didn’t let on to the fact that anything was less than perfect for us right now.
“Maybe I’ll see if they have a bench I can sit on in the bathroom for a few minutes. I’m feeling kind of dizzy, and I don’t want to keep embarrassing you in front of all these people.”
“Never, Harlow. You’re not embarrassing me. Do you need me to take you home?” Collin asked; worry coated his voice.
How he could contradict his words and change from my monster to the protective, loving husband in an instant was beyond me. But I didn’t buy it. Just because I’d let him believe something didn’t mean I could forget what had been happening just minutes before. I sent him a smile and ran my fingers over his arm. “No. I know how important it is for you and your dad to be here tonight.”
“You’re important.”
“If it doesn’t pass soon, I’ll text you and you can come get me so we can leave. If you don’t hear from me, I’ll come find you as soon as I’m better.”
He kissed my cheek and ran his knuckles over my flat stomach. “If it’s longer than ten minutes, I’m coming to get you anyway. They’ll understand.”
I turned and kept my head down as I moved through the crowd so they wouldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes. Tears that for once, at a party, had nothing to do with the pain and promises of more pain later from Collin. But tears that had everything to do with the fact that Knox had seen us kiss . . . had seen me in Collin’s arms.
I walked into the women’s sitting room and had made it as far as the first couch before a sharp sob burst from my chest. Pressing my fist to my mouth, I tried to take deep breaths in and out while willing the tears back before they could fall.