To Command and Collar (Masters of the Shadowlands, #6)(30)

He didn’t wait but rolled her onto her back and smiled down at her. “Such big eyes. Yes, I’m going to massage your front as well.” His fingers curved over her shoulders, his thumbs digging into the muscles around the collarbones.

God, it felt good…but she couldn’t relax, not with his hands so close to her breasts. He worked on her pectoral muscles, easing around her breasts, moving them out of his way. She tensed every time he touched somewhere new.

Finally he shook his head in exasperation. “Your worries are getting the best of you, chiquita. You’re not going to fall into pieces if I touch your breasts.” And then he put his hands directly on her breasts, curving his palms around them.

Her breathing stopped.

He didn’t move as he looked down into her eyes. “Am I hurting you?” He waited. “Kimberly?”

She licked her lips. “No.” Her feelings were too messed up to figure out. Fear—oh yes. But…pleasure? She’d always liked a man’s hands on her breasts, but not now. Surely not anymore.

“Are we okay?” he asked. The firmness in his voice held the expectation that she’d get over this.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good girl.” He moved down to her feet, working his way up. Leaving her shaken. Always friendly, polite, yet this solid immovable core. More than his self-confidence and ability to give a command, he showed his certainty she’d not only obey him, but that she wanted to.

And he didn’t hide his satisfaction or even pleasure when she met those expectations.

His big hands squeezed one thigh and the other, moving higher until his fingers grazed the crotch of her pants with each movement. Her fear flashed and faded, leaving…anticipation. Warmth.

God, she wanted him to touch her. The realization slashed into her, more painful than a knife stroke. How could she live through rape and slavery and ever want to be touched again? What kind of slut was she? I really am the dirty f*ckhole that the—

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said. He’d moved up the table to regard her closely with shadowed eyes.

Not ever. “Nothing.”

“Gatita, I know when my touch heats a woman. Why does being aroused bother you?” He waited; then his voice deepened in an explicit command. “Tell me now, Kimberly.”

The words spilled from her like a dam breaking, releasing a torrent. “I shouldn’t ever want anyone to touch me. He said I was a dirty slut, and I am. I am.” Sobs broke from her. A cunt, an animal, not worthy to be human. She knew it. Like a sewer, filth filled her, running through her core.

“Hijo de puta,” Master R muttered and picked her off the bench. He cradled her to him as he carried her to the small living room.

He shouldn’t touch her. She was not fit to be near a real person. Dirty all the way through. Tears streamed down her face, making her even uglier. A f-f*ckhole and a—

He sat on the couch, leaning her against his chest. “Stop.” He shook her lightly. “Stop. Now.” A master’s voice. Her master.

She choked, pushing the sobs down.

“Better. You will listen to me. Do you remember how your memories work?” Memories? “What?” She blinked, trying to focus on his face.

“When something horrible happens, your brain doesn’t process the memories right. It stores everything—sounds, pain, smells, feelings—all mixed up. It doesn’t matter if you believed it or it made sense; it gets stored. Did Gabi or Faith not tell you this?”

They both had. Kim nodded, her cheek rubbing on his chest. His scent came to her, clean as an ocean breeze.

“So if your memory is triggered, you get parts of the mess back—and maybe what you heard or felt at the time. Are you listening, Kimberly?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“He told you over and over that you were bad. Made you feel dirty. So sometimes, when your brain accesses those memories—the ones you haven’t thought about—you’re going to hear those words and feel that way again. Sí?”

She hauled in a breath. He was right. She didn’t normally think she was a bad person. “I guess.”

“Gabrielle told me she was raped when she was a teenager. Is she a filthy slut?”

“No!” Wonderful Gabi, who cared for everyone and brightened any room she entered. “How can you—” She bit her lip. Duh. And neither am I.

“That’s it,” he murmured. He kissed the top of her head, then her lips, ever so gently. After picking up the TV remote from the side table, he said, “Let’s watch something really dirty. Like football.”

As the Saints took on the Packers, she fell asleep wrapped in comfort.

Chapter Six

Each day came with something new. Over and over, Kim had to remind herself why she was doing this. For the others. For Linda and Holly. And really…for herself, as well. To have a part in hurting the slavers, in wrecking their business, would be healing, would show that she wasn’t a nothing, but was a person who needed to be taken into account. She struggled on.

She managed the loss of her clothing—barely—although she doubted she’d ever get used to being naked when Master R was in jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. At least he allowed her to dress when other people visited.

Since he often conducted business at home, he and the FBI made Gabi and Faith wear shirts with his company’s green logo so they’d appear to be his employees. Gabi bitched about the boring white shirt—and a matching green streak appeared in her hair beside the blue one.