Thrive (Addicted, #4)(128)

“I do, Lil,” I say, taking a breath, not of full relief. “But you have to fucking tell me what’s going on.”

“I was upset…overwhelmed.” She rubs her eyes with her palm but the tears have yet to cease. “And I wanted to do things and I just thought…this would help.” The shame builds as she glances between the showerhead and her knees, crumpled into herself.

“Just spit it out,” I urge. “Whatever it is. Just get it off your chest right now, love.” I just want her to feel okay again.

She focuses on our laced hands. “I didn’t know how to tell you…I thought while you were in Paris, I’d figure out a good way to say it, but I don’t…I don’t think there’s a good way. And I just kept putting it off, thinking tomorrow will be the day.” She keeps rubbing her eyes.

Then finally, she drops her hands.

And she says with a big inhale, “I’m eight weeks pregnant.”

I go cold, like a car impacts me on the right side. Glass shattering. The car swerving. Spinning. The airbag popping into my chest, knocking the wind right out of me. The shock and fear pummels me into a state without thoughts.

“You can’t be…” Blood rushes to my head. My eyes fall to her stomach, the black shirt that suctions to her belly. I roll the fabric to her ribs. I mistook the faint bump as weight gain. Nothing detrimental to our lives. Nothing that could overturn us.

I finally look to the other people who’ve been standing in the bathroom. Ryke. Connor. Rose. Rose. “You’re pregnant,” I say to her.

“We both are,” Rose says in a quiet voice, scared of me. Everyone is frightened of me.

Of how I’ll react.

I have never once wanted a child. Never even considered it for a moment’s time. I’m selfish, damaged and spiteful. No matter how much I love Lily, there are things about me that will never change. “That’s not possible,” I say. Though it is. With the amount of sex we have—too much and too careless—this could’ve always been an end result.

“The probability is slim but it’s not impossible,” Connor answers, his hands casually pocketed in his slacks. He’s known this for a while. “Their cycles had synced up after living together. I don’t use protection with Rose, and I’m sure you didn’t with Lily.”

“I forgot to take my birth control a few days,” Lily whispers, not able to meet my eyes, staring only at her hands, the ones I’ve abandoned. “I didn’t realize it…”

I pick up both of her hands again, and her tears fall harder. I squeeze them. “You could’ve told me sooner.” My mind reverses back to yesterday, and I frown. What I admitted out loud about kids—I had crushed her and I didn’t even fucking realize it. I go further back. Paris. I still feel that night like a deep scar beneath my skin. I was lost, and no part of me would’ve functioned the right way with this news.

She had eight weeks, maybe less, to tell me the truth. And all of them, I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. I can sit here soaked in freezing water, clutching her in my arms, and admit that.

“I know you don’t want kids,” she sniffs, restraining the tears as much as possible. “And I didn’t want to stress you out with this…I’m sorry.”

The guilt slams into me. “Shhh.” I press her harder to my chest, her legs clenching back around my waist. “It’s okay, Lil.” I never meant for her to bear a burden this heavy alone. Not one we should’ve carried together.

“It’s not,” she says, wiping her cheeks and then staring up into my eyes. Her big round green ones are glassy and reddened. “You don’t want a baby.”

No. I have never wanted a baby. But met with this reality, I only want to do right by Lily. I just want to fix every wrong that I have ever made. I am ready, so fucking ready, to defeat this.

To never face these demons again.

I am done feeling sorry for myself.

My fingers tangle in her damp hair. “That doesn’t matter anymore.” I put my hand to my chest. “We’re addicts. You and me.” I motion between us. That fact won’t change, no matter how much we wish it into oblivion. “Maybe we shouldn’t have kids, but we have the means to raise him or her well.”

“And you have us,” Rose proclaims.

Lily and I look back at the three people who’ve been the foundation of our healthy lives. Rose raises her chin with a determined expression like you both can do this.

And then Connor. He stands poised, with more confidence than either of us has ever acquired. I can almost feel it radiate off his body and flow through mine. His lips begin to rise, knowing the effect he has on me, and most people.

My brother. Ryke has his arms crossed over his chest. I think he knows, as well as I do, that I am nowhere near ready to have a kid. But the negativity has been swept from his hard, dark features. He has that same sturdy, unbending will in his eyes as the rest of them.

The perseverance to do anything, to be anything. To thrive.

Someday, that word will belong to us too. After years of coming up short, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.





{ 64 }

2 years : 03 months November





LILY CALLOWAY


The steaming shower fogs the glass door. We’re in our bathroom upstairs, where privacy exists, and Loren Hale towers above me, the water blanketing us in hot sheets. We thaw ourselves after the icy bath, his intense gaze never shifting off mine.