Thoughtful (Thoughtless, #1.5)(144)

“What do we do, Kellan?”

She peeked up at the house, like she was afraid Denny would hear my answer. Maybe he should. Maybe we should walk in there, hand in hand, wake him up…and tell him that the life he once knew was over. That we’d both betrayed him. My heart seized at just the thought of confronting him. A voice from the past drifted to me, along with a memory—Denny, his lip cut, swollen and bloody, courtesy of my father; a split lip that had been meant for me. Denny’s hand on my shoulder while I shook with trepidation, afraid of how my father was going to retaliate for someone saving me. Denny hadn’t been scared. Not one little bit. I’m here for you, Kellan. I’ll always be here for you. And this is how I repaid him for his sacrifice? Crushing his relationship to irreparable pieces? No…I couldn’t face him. I’d rather run…

“I can start the car, and we can be in Oregon before the sun comes up.” I was such a coward.

I could almost see her contemplating it as I stared into her eyes—the two of us running into the sunset, fleeing from our problems, never looking back at the destruction we were leaving in our wake. As we gazed at each other, her breath started getting faster and shorter. Before long, she was nearly wheezing, and she started hunching over like she was going to be sick. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t leave him. She wouldn’t ever leave him. I was living in a fantasy…but it was so nice here…I wasn’t ready to leave either.

I stroked her hair to soothe her. “Hey. Breathe, Kiera, it’s okay…Breathe.” Cupping her cheek, I tried to get her to focus on what was happening now, tried to get her to let go of whatever vision was rolling around her head. “Look at me. Breathe.”

Her eyes locked onto mine, and her breathing slowed and deepened. Tears fell off her jaw as she shook it back and forth. “Not like that. He’s too much a part of me. I need time. I can’t talk about this yet.”

Her reaction to just the thought of leaving him solidified the truth for me and dissolved the illusion I’d been holding on to. She cared for me, loved me even, but she wouldn’t leave him. She couldn’t. I knew she wasn’t ready to think about making a choice yet, but I also knew that when she made her choice…it wouldn’t be me.

I nodded, but I felt the fragile hold on “us” slipping. I felt time ticking faster. I won’t have long with her. Maybe seeing my conclusion on my face, Kiera whispered, “I’m so sorry, Kellan.”

I tried to smile, even though it hurt. “Don’t be…Don’t be sorry for loving someone.” Pulling her in tight, I kissed her head. As chilly reality settled around me, I knew what I had to do. I’d started this; I had to be the one to end it. I was the only one who could. And I should do it soon, before Denny pieced this horrible puzzle together, before our secret was laid bare. And the only way to stop Denny from digging until he found the truth was to take away the need for him to dig at all. Remove the source of the suspicion, that was what I had to do.

“Don’t worry, Kiera. I’ll think of something. I’ll fix this, I promise.”

Before he finds out, I’ll go, and this time I’ll leave for good. Like I said before, we won’t hurt him unnecessarily. He’ll never know what happened here. This secret will die with us. I’ll spare him the pain, and I’ll spare you too. I’ll carry it all. I’m used to that.



We stayed in the car until the first light of dawn turned the world pink with promise. “Promise” was such a misleading word. It suggested hope, but sometimes promise had no hope attached to it. At least, not for everyone. Sometimes, to give someone else hope, you had to cut out your own. And it was just as difficult as cutting off your own limb, but then again…if sacrifice was easy, everyone would do it.

Hating time for closing in on us, I gave Kiera a squeeze and told her what we were both thinking. “You should go inside.”

She instantly locked onto the word “you,” not “we.” Pulling back, she looked me over with panicked eyes. “What about you? Aren’t you coming?”

In the end, no, it won’t be me with you. “There’s something I need to do first.”

“What?” she asked, confused.

Smiling, I skirted my way around the answer. I couldn’t tell her yet. She’d argue, say I was wrong, but I wasn’t. I knew where this was going. I saw the signs all around me. She loved me, but not enough to leave him. We’d crush Denny…for nothing. For a fantasy. I didn’t want that, and I knew she didn’t either.

“Go on…it will be okay.” I gave her a kiss, then leaned over to unlatch the door. “I love you,” I whispered as she got out. Always. Sliding over to her side, I leaned up so she could kiss me. We shared a brief, torturous connection, and I felt her lips trembling as we pulled apart. She had tears on her cheeks when I returned to my side of the car. This was going to be difficult for both of us.

Starting the car, I pulled away, and I swear, a piece of me ripped off when I left her behind.

Feeling numb inside, I drove to Evan’s. He was the only one who knew what I was going through, the only one who could really help me. Parking the car, I stared up at his quiet apartment. For a moment, I let myself feel envious of Evan’s life. And Matt’s, and Griffin’s. Looking from the outside, their lives seemed so simple, so easy. I knew that wasn’t really the case though; they each had their issues. If my life had taught me anything, it was that no one’s life was as simple as it appeared on the surface. Everyone had crap to deal with. That was what bonded the entire human race: pain…and love.