Thorn Queen (Dark Swan, #2)(58)

"Not that fast. I heard hours ago."

Hours ago. Dorian had found out before I had. Probably everyone had. Who was I, after all? Certainly no one who was connected to this birth. I was just another monarch who'd be expected to send jewels or tapestries when the baby was born. I poured another shot, but Shaya reached for it.

"May I have another?" She wasn't a fan of this stuff, but I had a feeling she wanted to stop me from drinking any more. Oh, well. There appeared to be about one more shot in the bottle-though Dorian beat me to that one too.

"You'll make yourself sick," I warned, reaching for the bottle. Only a few drops poured into my cup.

"I'll take my chances. This is a fascinating substance."

"It comes from cacti," I said helpfully, hoping it might deter him from that last shot. It didn't.

"Intriguing," he said after downing it. "You should try producing it here. I'm certain a number of people would trade for it."

I couldn't be certain in the near-darkness, but it looked like Shaya rolled her eyes.

Part of me resented Dorian's presence, though I had to admit that he did a good job in keeping the subject away from Maiwenn and Kiyo. That didn't stop me from thinking about them, of course, but I couldn't help but smile as he entertained the others. Whether it was part of being a king or just something inherently Dorian, he had a powerful charisma about him that could make everyone laugh and stay captivated. With my social reticence, his were skills I admired-and occasionally envied.

As the night wore on, though, I could feel the tequila's effects lessening a little. That wasn't to say I still wasn't drunk as hell; I'd taken down half that bottle myself. But, I wanted to go to bed while I was still in that delirious haze. It didn't stop me from feeling down over Kiyo, but I had to imagine being sober would be worse.

Everyone stood up when I did, and I felt my legs struggle for balance. "Let me assist you," said Shaya, reaching toward me. Dorian intervened before she could help.

"No, no. Allow me to guide the Thorn Queen to her room. I'd like a few words." Ysabel's face darkened at this, and he gave her a chastising look. "Oh, stop it. I'll come to you shortly-provided Eugenie will allow me to stay overnight in her castle."

"Sure, sure," I said. "Come on over. Make yourself at home. Pick out curtains."

He extended his arm to me, and I decided the indignity of letting Dorian guide me was less than that of me falling over in front of my servants. Ysabel's eyes followed us furiously, and I couldn't blame her. If my boyfriend were taking a drunk woman to her bedroom, I'd be pissed too.

"It was very high-handed of you to think I needed your moral support," I told him once we were out of earshot of the others.

"Right. You only need the moral support of a bottle," he teased. "Be honest, Eugenie. Your lover's at the side of a former lover, eagerly awaiting the birth of their child. I'd be distressed as well."

"Nothing distresses you," I grumbled. We reached my room, and he followed me in without invitation.

"Plenty of things do," he said. He frowned, ever so slightly, and it occurred to me he was none too sober himself.

I let go of his arm and walked over to the full-length mirror that stood on one side of the room, edged in gold. I'd pinned up my hair earlier and let it down now, wondering if I wanted to bother with sending Nia for a nightgown or if I'd just sleep in my clothes. Standing there, I stared at my body, thinking again of my mother's claims that I was too skinny. I always argued it was an athletic build. Running my hands over the sides of my stomach and down to my hips, I studied my figure. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was slim.

"I can never do that for him," I said in a small voice. "I can never give him a baby like she can."

Dorian strolled over and stood behind me, meeting my eyes in the mirror. "Do you want to?"

"I don't know. Kids were never on my radar...it was always a 'maybe someday' kind of thing. But now...knowing I can't..." My hips and stomach suddenly seemed as unhealthily skinny as my mother had always said. They would remain untouched and infertile, never filling out with the kind of life Maiwenn's had. I would never share that with Kiyo.

I flinched as Dorian reached from behind and placed his hands on the narrowest part of my waist. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I was too weary to shoo him away.

"You speak like someone who's been condemned with infertility or like you've passed your prime."

"I might as well be."

"That's not true. You're young. You radiate health and fertility. You could have a dozen children."

I shook my head slowly. "I can't," I said sadly. "I won't. You know I won't, no matter how much you and every other Otherworldly creature want me to."

"Maybe you'd have a daughter."

"I can't take the risk." I knew I'd never be confiding in him sober. "And what if Kiyo decides he doesn't want that-to be with someone who's always going to be childless? What if he wants more kids? Maybe this baby...Maybe he'll go back to Maiwenn. Maybe...maybe he'll leave me...." I could feel tears forming in my eyes and hated myself for the weakness.

Dorian tightened his grip on my waist. "He'd be a fool. And you'd be a fool to mourn him if he did. You're more than a childbearing vessel."