These Twisted Bonds (These Hollow Vows, #2)(98)

“Then what about in the Underworld?” Sebastian asks. “How does she stay safe there?”

“By the mercy of the gods,” Jalek mutters.

I bite my lip. I should be terrified of this trip, but I’m still reeling from everything else. “What is it even like?”

“Juliana?” Finn says. “Would you care to answer that one? Your mother traveled there to be crowned High Priestess. What did she tell you about it?”

“I can’t tell you what to expect,” Juliana says. “The Underworld is inconstant. It changes for each person who visits. But all those who have ventured there and returned speak of a tremendous distance they must travel between the portal and the Great Queen. The terrain will be rough and the trek exhausting. The purpose is to judge your heart and your persistence. The queen won’t show herself to those who give up. You need to carry in water and food and be prepared for the most mentally arduous journey of your life.”

“Be on your guard for the monsters that lurk there,” Misha says. “Creatures so savage and bloodthirsty they’ve been cast from our world. They’d like nothing more than to have your souls to toy with for eternity.”

Sebastian’s chair creaks as he shoves it back, and everyone watches mutely as he storms out of the room.

“I’ll go,” I say softly.

“With all due respect, My Queen,” Kane says, “you don’t need his permission.”

I give him a tight smile and nod before leaving the room. I find Sebastian on the terrace outside the library, staring out into the night.

“Did they explain to you how dangerous this is?” he asks, sensing me without turning around.

“Did they tell you how many people try to speak with Mab and never come back? Because those mythical monsters aren’t your only concern. If she decides that someone unworthy has dared to take her time, she makes sure they never find their way back to the portal. Or if they do, they return without their full mind. Did they tell you any of that?”

“Sebastian . . .” I step forward, reaching to touch his back just as he spins around, and I find myself looking at his chest. He’s closer than I thought, and my breath catches. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this close to him feeling the way I do now. I don’t think I’ve ever been so close to Sebastian while wishing he would let me go. “I don’t have a choice,” I say, craning my neck so I can see his face. “I won’t allow one more innocent to die at your mother’s hands. Not if I can prevent it.”

“I don’t want you to go to the Underworld,” he whispers, leaning his forehead against mine. “I can accept your anger and your mistrust of me—I earned it. I can accept any confusion you feel about us right now. I can even forgive you for letting him touch you, but I won’t accept you sacrificing yourself for this. You have no idea how bad that place is.”

“And you do?” I ask.

Something flickers across his face before he sets his jaw in a stubborn line. “If you don’t come back, if Mab doesn’t deem you worthy to return, I cannot accept that.”

I step back. I need space. Even with my shields, when we’re this close, his emotions muddle with mine and make me question everything. “Sebastian, I’m going.”

He squeezes his eyes shut.

I swallow, knowing that was the easy part of this conversation. “Listen, if there’s a way to dissolve this bond between us before I leave, we should do it.”

His eyes fly open. “No.”

“Bash,” I whisper. “You and I aren’t going to be together. No matter what happens on this journey.

We aren’t going to get the happily-ever-after. It was never in the cards for us.”

“You haven’t even tried. You’ve been with him the whole time.”

Yes. Right where I belong. “It wouldn’t have mattered,” I say.

He shakes his head. “I won’t do it. Not just because it’s an excruciating process and I can’t cause you that kind of pain again. And not just because we don’t have the materials we need. I won’t do it because I can’t. I love you, and I need to know without a doubt that we tried.”

“All those things you want to protect me from—capture, torture, painful death? I want to protect you too. I don’t want you to suffer through the things I might experience in the next few days.”

“Is that it?” he asks, eyes hard, head cocked to the side. “Or do you want to be free to be with him without my knowing? Do you want to be free to have him kiss you and touch you without having to feel how that tears me apart inside?”

I can’t hear the pain in his voice without vividly remembering being beneath the waterfall with Finn, that feeling of Sebastian through the bond. His heartache. The betrayal he felt.

“Bash,” I whisper. “You need to let me go. Please.”

“Don’t you remember our night at Serenity Palace? You begged me not to let you go, begged me to hold on because you had secrets. You were so sure my love wasn’t strong enough to withstand your deceptions, and I promised you it was. I’m making good on that promise.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, remembering.

I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, but I’m too selfish to let you go.

Don’t let me go. I need you to hold on.