These Twisted Bonds (These Hollow Vows, #2)(91)

He grimaces. “How do you know I wasn’t just worried about saving myself?”

Because I know you. Because you’re better than that. But I won’t let him distract me with that argument. “Why was I different?” I ask. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s tacky to fish out someone’s feelings like this. I shouldn’t want him to feel anything for me, let alone pressure him into saying it out loud.

“You would’ve said no. It doesn’t matter.”

“Probably,” I whisper. “But you could’ve done more to make sure I never said yes to Sebastian.

You could’ve lied to me and made me think he supported those camps. You could’ve bought yourself so much more time. Kept a wedge between me and the other male trying to steal the crown. It would’ve been easy for you. You had every opportunity.”

He huffs out a breath. “Now you sound like Jalek. He laid into me that day you found out about the camps. He said I acted like I didn’t even want the throne.”

“Didn’t you?”

He opens his mouth, then snaps it shut again, taking a few more moments before he replies. “I think part of me has always known that I have a role to play in protecting my court, but maybe I’m not meant to be on the throne.”

My heart tugs. Has he had to convince himself of this? Because of me? Because of Sebastian?

“But that day wasn’t about the throne. It was about you. Jalek couldn’t understand why I had to defend your prince, but he wasn’t looking into your eyes. He didn’t see how crushed you were to hear what the queen was doing.” He swallows. “I didn’t want to lie to you.”

“And you didn’t want me to die,” I say.

He squeezes his eyes shut. “That’s true.”

“And somehow that makes you a bad guy? How’s that supposed to make me feel?” It’s my turn to look away. I understand the logic. It would’ve been better for everyone if I’d died while handing the crown over, but I feel too much for Finn to hear that while I look into his eyes.

“Brie,” he breathes. “Look at me.” I don’t, and his fingers find my chin again and he turns me until I meet his eyes. “Wanting to keep you alive doesn’t make me the bad guy. I’ve told you already that I’m glad you took the damn potion. But I’m an idiot for not figuring out sooner that you were in love with him. For not figuring out sooner just how deeply you trusted him. I was blind. I’m not mad at myself because I didn’t end your life. I’m mad at myself for not finding a way around it.”

“You told me yourself you’d been trying for years—to find a way to get the crown that wouldn’t bring me harm. Was that true?”

“Of course it was true.”

“So why are you to blame for not finding a solution that doesn’t exist?”

He releases my chin. “I’m to blame for allowing my father to get things to this point to begin with.”

“So now you’re responsible for his actions?”

“No,” he growls, his voice echoing in the night. He drags a hand through his hair. “I’m responsible for mine. I told you, I was spoiled, and I got what I wanted. I wanted Isabel, so she and I planned to be bonded in secret and begin our lives together. If it meant my father’s refusing to pass me the crown, so be it. She wanted children, so we planned to have our family first, and I’d give her the Potion of Life before I took the throne from my father. We were in no hurry. If anything, I wanted more time before taking the throne. I wanted us to enjoy a life together before the pressures of ruling changed our lives. This was after Mordeus stepped in to rule, but I was sure it would all be handled quickly. My father had returned from the mortal lands and was weak from his many months there, but once he regained his power, I was sure he’d find a way to be rid of Mordeus without pulling our court into an internal war.” He blows out a breath. “I was so na?ve. About the hold Mordeus had over his followers, but mostly about the queen’s power. Her rage and resentment. We all were.”

“What happened?” I ask.

Finn takes my hand, as if he needs the comfort of my touch to tell his story. “The day Isabel and I were to be bonded, my father showed up and asked me to help him. He’d planned a scheme to reclaim his role from Mordeus. I don’t even know what it was, though later I wished I’d listened, wished I’d had the details to remove my uncle from the palace and his tenuous position of power. I denied my father. Isabel had planned the day out, and I would’ve given her anything. But I did it out of spite too.

I was bitter that he wouldn’t support my future with Isabel, and I wanted him to suffer for it.”

I squeeze his hand, and he cuts his eyes to me and grimaces. “I’m ashamed that I didn’t put my court first that day. If I had, everything would be different.”

“Tell me what happened.”

“Isabel and I had our special day leading up to the ceremony, and as we said our vows . . .” He swallows and turns away, and when he looks at me again, his tear-filled eyes sparkle in the moonlight. “I felt off that afternoon. Not sick, but weaker in a way I couldn’t explain. I had no way of knowing that the queen had just cursed all my people—cursed me. The moment my bond with Isabel was complete, she died in my arms.” He shakes his head. “We were in a secluded cabin in the mountains, just north of here, completely alone. I didn’t have the potion. I hadn’t sourced the ingredients yet, and we weren’t planning to use it for years. I wasn’t prepared. And she died in my arms. Pure terror on her face.”