The Wrong Bride (The Windsors, #1)(100)

I take off my dress, the sound of fabric hitting the floor disrupting the silence that’s fallen between us. I turn the shower on as I try my hardest to articulate the thoughts that haunt me.

“You want the truth, Ares?”

I step underneath the shower stream and inhale shakily as the warm water hits my skin. I wish he hadn’t followed me in, so I could fall apart in private. I don’t want him to witness my pain.

“I hate who I am around Hannah and you. I hate the thoughts I have, the things I feel. I’m not a bad person, Ares, yet more than once, I wished the child Hannah is expecting didn’t exist.”

Ares’s hands wrap around my waist, and I gasp as he joins me in the shower. He pushes me against the wall and cages me in. “So have I,” he admits, his forehead dropping against mine. “I know the child is innocent, Rave. Of course I know that, but I’ve also wished that she wasn’t pregnant. The happiness we found was so hard-fought, and the last thing I want to do is allow something to threaten that. Is it wrong that your happiness matters more to me than my unborn child does? Perhaps so, but that is my truth. I’m not a horrible person either, Raven, and I have no doubt you and I will both love this child beyond measure once he or she arrives… but we’re only human, baby.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and he steps closer to me, until our bodies are pressed together, the water raining down on us.

“I’m scared I’ll have to watch you fall for her all over again. I don’t want to watch you care about her and celebrate each pregnancy milestone together. I don’t want to hear about scans and cots and fucking pregnancy vitamins. I don’t want her to have everything that I wanted with you.”

He presses a kiss to my forehead and inhales shakily, his pain apparent. “I’ll do what I can to minimize that kind of thing. With Grandma forcing us to welcome her into our home, that is more complicated than I’d like it to be, but we’ll make it work, Cupcake.”

I tighten my grip on him and hug him tightly. “But you shouldn’t have to, Ares. This is such a beautiful experience, and if not for me, you’d be enjoying every second of it.”

He buries a hand into my hair and tightens his grip. “There’s no point in wondering about what-ifs, my love. You are my wife, my everything. You always will be. No matter what.”

“I’m scared that just isn’t true. I’m scared I’ll lose you to her all over again. How do I compete with the history you two share? The child you’ll share? The bonds between you are endless, and no matter what angle I look at this from, I’m what stands between two people that have always loved each other. I was always just her standin, Ares, and she’s finally ready to take her place by your side. This is everything you’ve ever wanted.” I take a deep breath and look away, wishing I could take back the words I just uttered. I hate it when my insecurities rule me. This is not who I am. I barely recognize myself when faced with Hannah and Ares. Will I lose myself if I keep subjecting myself to this?

“No, Raven,” he says, tightening his grip on my hair. “You are all that I’ve ever wanted. I’ve never been this happy before, baby. You fucking complete me, Cupcake. You’re the part I never realized I was missing. You’re my heart, my soul. It doesn’t matter how many years I spent with Hannah, because just a few months with you brought me more happiness than years with her ever did. If she and I were meant to be together, we’d have made it work, Rave. If I truly loved her, I never would’ve fallen for you, and certainly not so quickly. Hell, if I loved her the way you seem to think I do, I’d never have let her go in the first place. I hear you, baby. I hear you, and I understand your fears, but trust me when I tell you that nothing she could do will make me waver. You’re the only one I’ll ever love, Raven. No man could have you and walk away from you. I know I can’t.”

“But you have,” I snap, my eyes burning with unshed tears. “You have, and I’m terrified you’ll do it again. I barely survived it the first time, but it’ll destroy me this time around, Ares. I can’t do this again.”

He cups my face with both hands and frowns. “What are you talking about?”

“Sierra’s 21st birthday,” I whisper. “I… I came to your room at night. We’d both been drinking too much, but it didn’t matter. The drinks were exactly what I needed to gather my courage. At that point, we’d been informally engaged. Your grandmother and my parents had both agreed on it, but you and I hadn’t discussed it. We’d both just kind of been dancing around the subject, and you’d been treating me the same way you treated Sierra, the way you’d always treated me, with playful kindness, and nothing more. I… I came to your room that night to ask what you thought of me and our engagement.”

He stares at me wide-eyed. “What?”

I draw a shaky breath and force myself to face him. “I tried to kiss you, and you told me that I didn’t know what I was asking for…”

“—and you replied that you weren’t as innocent as I thought you were.”

I nod, my heart skipping a beat. “You… you remember?”

He shakes his head. “No, but I’ve dreamed of this night. I’ve been dreaming about you for years, Raven.” He tightens his grip on my hair and tilts my face up. “Even when you were the last woman I ever should’ve desired, you kept my dreams captive.”