The Vampire's Bride (Atlantis #4)(48)

Mortification consumed her, chomping her pride into little pieces before spitting out the bones.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you, but..."

Still reeling, she resumed her journey up the cliff, now desperate to escape him. To hide. How could she have been so wrong? She'd had a few other lovers over the years, yet none of them had complained. None had left unsatisfied.

That you know of.

For a moment she felt as if spiders were crawling over her skin, and she scratched at her arms. For so long she had dreamed of winning this man's heart. Her every action had been an attempt to impress or charm him.

She was not a warrior, not at heart, but she had trained as one, knowing Layel would not allow her to accompany him to the nymph stronghold otherwise. She had fought, she had killed. For Shivawn. Blood coated her hands. Always. Nothing cleaned them. For Shivawn.

She had risen through the ranks of the vampire army by any and every means necessary.

For Shivawn.

Yet he had never wanted her, not even the time he'd given himself to her. A nymph - a creature renowned for being more sensual than selective - found her so unappealing, he had left her bed still hard and aching. Had probably bedded another woman immediately afterward to relieve the ache.

"Alyssa," he said softly, and she heard him as clearly as if he were shouting. Damn it, she hadn't put much distance between them.

Her feet almost hit the ground, even her ability to float trying to abandon her. Keep moving. Don't slow. "Did you come to me only because Joachim's human refused you? Did you not desire me for me, even a little?" Alyssa had caught him leaving Joachim's room one evening, the one evening they'd spent together, and he had reeked of human.

His eyes had been dark, haunted, and she'd later learned that Shivawn's human slave had chosen the other nymph warrior as her mate, leaving Shivawn without a woman. And because nymphs needed sex to survive there had been no better time for Alyssa's seduction of him. She had thought, Finally. He will have me. He will desire me as I desire him.

But I could not bring him to orgasm. Oh, gods, oh, gods. "Did you?"

"Yes, I used you. And, no, I did not want you."

"Did you - " gods, why are you doing this to yourself? " - did you think of her when you were inside me?"

There was a painful, tension-filled pause. "Does it matter?"

Oh, gods. That was answer enough, yet she still had to hear him say it. Maybe then her love for him would die. Maybe then her obsession would wane. "It matters. Tell me. Say it."

He uttered another sigh. "Then, yes. I did. But even then..."

Even then he could not come. Curse him! And curse herself!

Her nails elongated as she curled her fingers into fists, cutting past skin, drawing her own blood. She was panting, she realized. "You should not have used me while thinking of another."

"No, and for that I'm sorry."

She laughed bitterly, felt his eyes boring into her back. "I must be like all the other women in your life, throwing myself at you, willing to accept any scrap of affection you toss my way. Not that you ever tossed me a moment to cherish. A moment to sigh over in the dark of night, to dream of for years to come and to giggle over with friends." If she'd had any friends.

"You could not help yourself. The allure of the nymph is impossible to ignore."

But no other nymph had made her crave things she could never have. "Do you laugh about us when you are alone?" she asked, striving for an unconcerned tone. Inside, she still seethed. What right did Shivawn have to hurt her like this? To use her and humiliate her? To treat her as beneath him? None. An idea took root in her mind and refused to leave. No, I cannot do it.

But he deserves it.

"Laugh? At who?" He quickened his step until he was beside her, obviously no longer content to lag behind.

She pushed the snow-white branch of a ghost tree from her path, taking a small bit of satisfaction when it slapped Shivawn in the cheek and he grunted. "At the women," she said. "At your females. At those of us who throw ourselves at you."

"I hope I am not so callous as that. I would die without those females. I need them as much as they want me."

Clearly, she wasn't part of the "they." Bastard. No one else will give him what he deserves. Not the gods, not his king, not my king. I must do it. "I wonder why I ever desired you." And why, despite everything, she still did.

"I have wondered that myself," he replied darkly.

"You are strong," she offered, not wanting to admit the real reason.

"So are others."

"You are handsome."

"Others are more so."

True, and yet...no one else had eyes like his. Most likely some shared the color, but not the pain banked there, the hint of, well, a man possessed by ghosts and dark passion.

Once, many years ago, she had glimpsed the beast inside him.

He didn't know it, hadn't seen her, but she had been mesmerized by him.

His father...She gulped, had sworn never to think of that terrible time again, lest it grow wings and fly from her memories, reminding him. But the dark images flooded her, images of that fateful day marking the beginning of her obsession, and she couldn't stop them.

Even though Alyssa was of mixed blood, both a vampire and a demon, she never allowed herself to think or act like a demon. Too many races despised them. As she appeared every inch the vampire, the deception wasn't difficult.