The Things We Keep(4)

He grins and I think I might actually vomit. “You’re right,” I say. “You have no idea what it’s like to be me.”

*

They say when you lose some of your senses, others get heightened. I think it’s true. There was a time when I had a razor tongue. If there was a joke at the offering, I was the first to snap it up (and then deliver it with more pizazz than anyone else). Now I’m not as quick as I used to be, but I’m more observant, especially when it comes to people’s state of mind. So when a young woman with spiky blond hair bursts through my door, I know at a glance that she’s not only lost, but that there’s something on her mind.

“Oh, um,” she says. “Which way is the visitors’ bathroom?”

Obviously, I have no idea. When I was diagnosed, my neuropsychologist (Dr. Brain, I called him) explained that memories tended to evaporate in reverse order. This meant my oldest memories would be the ones to hang around the longest, and new information, visitor’s bathrooms included, were quick to disappear into the black hole of no return in my brain.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know,” I tell the woman. Her face, I notice, is crumpled and red. Wet. “Are you okay?”

She sighs, and I half expect her to turn and leave—continue on her search for the visitors’ bathroom. But she stays.

“Yeah.” She sniffs. “I mean no. It’s my grandpa. He’s … impossible.”

“Who’s your grandpa?”

“Bert. Bert Dickens.”

“Oh,” I say, though I have no recollection of meeting Bert. “Is he … okay?”

“He’s fine, physically. Mentally, not so much. Sorry, I shouldn’t have just barged in like this. Are you—?”

“I’m not busy.” It’s the understatement of the century. “What’s going on with Bert?”

“Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Sure I’m sure.”

“Okay.” She comes farther into the room. “The thing is—” She extends a hand and wiggles her fingers. “—I’m getting married.”

I eyeball the diamond and smile like I’m supposed to, even though I’ve never seen what all the fuss was about when it came to those sparkly rocks. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

I glance at own my ring finger, naked for almost a year. The knuckle seems to protrude higher now, without its anchor weighing it down. “Does Bert not like the guy?”

“No. I mean, yes. He likes him. But he doesn’t want us to get married.”

“Why not?”

“He thinks our family is cursed. Yeah, and he’s not senile either. He’s always thought that. His wife, my grandma, died when my mom was a baby. And Mom died when I was four. He thinks if I get married, then the curse will continue.”

“I’m sorry about your mom.”

“Thanks.”

“Why does he think it’s marriage causing the curse? Why not the baby?”

She gives me a strange look. This, I realize, is probably not helpful.

“Hey, I’m just pointing out that his theory isn’t watertight. Maybe you could convince him the baby part causes the curse?”

“But what happens when I have a baby?”

“You want a baby, too?”

She nods. Somewhere deep in my soul, I think she’s being a little greedy.

“Well, do you believe the curse?” I ask.

“No. I mean, my family has had bad luck, but … No. I don’t believe it. But I want Grandpa to come to the wedding, and he says he won’t. He says he can’t bear to watch me seal my fate.”

“Tell him if you don’t get married, your fate will be worse than death.”

She watches me through narrowed eyes.

“Tell him if you go to your grave with him as your husband, you’ll go a happy woman. Tell him that even if he’s right, you’d rather have a year of true happiness than die without knowing what happiness is.” I think for a moment. “If he says you’re wrong, ask him if he wishes he’d never married his wife.”

“Wow,” she says. “You’re good.”

There’s an expression that says this exactly, and I try to conjure it up. Slowly, it starts to come. “A life lived in…” I try to continue, but the rest slips away. Poof. Gone.

“A life lived in fear is a life half-lived?”

“Right. Exactly.”

“You’re right. He adored Myrna. There’s no way he wishes he hadn’t married her. Besides, if I listen to his silly superstitions, I’m reinforcing the idea that this curse could actually be true.” She sighs. “Thanks for being the voice of reason. I’d better get back.” She cocks her head toward the closed bathroom door. “Do you think she’s okay in there?”

“Who?”

“Your … grandmother?” She squints at the silver name-thingy on the wall. “Anna, is it?”

I often have trouble understanding things, so I don’t worry too much that this goes over my head. I’m about to nod as if I understand completely—when suddenly, it dawns. She thinks I’m visiting an old person named Anna.

“Oh … yes. She’s fine.” I smile at the girl whose name I didn’t catch, if she told me at all. “She’ll be out of here really, really soon.”