The Study of Seduction (Sinful Suitors, #2)(47)

“Curse it, Edwin, enough!” She seized his hands. “What doesn’t suit me is your giving up your entire life to protect me.”

His eyes widened. “I’m not. You know I’ve wanted a wife for a long time.”

“But I’m sure you would prefer to choose one for yourself. Not be bullied into it by some madman.”

“He didn’t bully me into marrying you. He attempted to bully me into not marrying you. I’m the one who came up with the idea of marrying right away. I did it with my eyes open, so you needn’t worry about that.” Lifting her hands to his lips, he kissed each one with that slow care that never failed to make her blood run hot. Then he added, in a guttural murmur, “And you must admit that we’re attracted to each other.”

Given the furious beat of her heart just now, she could hardly deny that. But it made no difference. “That’s not the point. There are things about me that you don’t know, things that you wouldn’t like, things that—”

“I am not leaving you to that bastard!” When she started, Edwin modulated his tone. “I will not stand by and do nothing while he tries to ruin your life. And if we’re married, he won’t act—I’m certain of it.”

“You’re calling his bluff. I see that. But what if it isn’t a bluff?”

“Then you’ll be forced to suffer the scandal along with us, but I honestly don’t think it will come to that. And at least I’ll still be protecting you from his attempt to have you. We can face him together as man and wife.”

Man and wife. Her heart twisted in her chest. When Edwin was being noble, she wanted to scoop him up and kiss him forever. But he wouldn’t stay noble. Not once he learned about her past. “It’s not fair to you,” she said. “Making you risk scandal for your entire family to protect me. I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. It isn’t the same.” He searched her face. “We can have a decent life together, you know. Muddle our way through things. And if we’re unhappy, we can have separate homes. Margrave Manor is already next to my estate. You could go there, raise our children there. As long as I’m always part of their lives, I would be content.”

“Content? You deserve better than that, Edwin.”

He shook his head. “I’m not a romantic man, Clarissa. Love was never a consideration. As long as I can have a companion—preferably one who doesn’t mind sharing my bed—”

“And what if I do mind?” she whispered. “I’m not like other women. I have a certain . . . aversion to such things.”

Edwin did excite her body, but every time she thought about actually having him on top of her, her throat closed up and her hands grew clammy, and she wanted to die. He kept mentioning children, but having children required having marital relations, and she didn’t know if she could endure that, even with Edwin. What if she could never do so?

“You’re frightened of me,” he said hollowly.

“No.” The sharp, immediate response seemed to calm him. “Of any man being . . . with me in that way.”

“Ah.” He smiled. “Every woman has those virginal fears, my sweet. But I promise I am capable of easing them, if you’ll let me.” He chucked her under the chin. “I see it like this. It’s either an amiable marriage with a man who will treat you tenderly. Or risk abduction by a man who will almost certainly not.”

She glanced away, indecision wracking her. She could end this all now, just by telling him the truth: that she wasn’t chaste. He would withdraw his proposal, she would formally jilt him, and she could go back to living her life—

In fear. Of a man who would be far more terrifying if he ever did get her in his power. And there was no guarantee that Count Durand would not, especially if she and Mama were left with no male protector. There wasn’t even a guarantee that he wouldn’t ruin Edwin anyway. What was to keep him from holding to his word?

The truth was, the thought of dealing with Edwin once he discovered all her secrets paled in comparison to the thought of the count’s abducting and forcing her into his bed. She couldn’t endure such an assault again.

She met his gaze once more. “All right.”

The relief flooding his face should have heartened her. It did not. He didn’t know what he was getting into with her. And she really should tell him. But the thought of his withdrawal when he learned of it—

No, she would tell him once they were married. Eventually. But in the meantime . . . “I have one condition, however.”

His eyes sharpened on her. “What is that?”

“You must . . . give me time to adapt to marriage before we share a bed. I still feel as if we’re practically strangers. I never thought of you romantically before, and now—”

“You do?”

“I don’t know. That’s what worries me. I don’t even know how to think of someone that way. But you must promise that I will be the one to choose when we share a bed, however long it takes.”

“That sounds ominous,” he said dryly.

“I know. But that’s my condition. And I want it in the terms of the settlement.”

His face clouded. “Ah.”

“I know it’s not the sort of thing that a man would ever—”