The Secret of Ella and Micha(48)

He turns my head toward him and looks me in the eyes, so I can see how much he means what he says. "You're not selfish. You were seventeen and you made a mistake just like every other seventeen-year-old out there does."

"She died because of my mistake." The words scratch at my throat. "If I would have just stayed home like I was supposed to then she wouldn't be dead."

"You have to let this go," he says, his voice strained. "You can't keep blaming yourself for something that was out of your hands."

"I wish I could have a redo." Tears sting the corners of my eyes. "I want to do it over again."

He covers my hand with his. "I think you might need to talk to someone about this. Otherwise it's going to haunt you forever."

I suck the tears back and wiggle my hand away from his. "You think I'm going crazy."

He shifts in front of me onto his knees, takes my face in his hands, and forces me to look at him. "Look at me. No one thinks you're crazy. You're strong, but you've been through a lot of shit and you might need some help working through it."

"I think I'm more f*cked up than you realize," I say. "I can't even look in a mirror anymore."

"That does sound crazy." He tucks my hair out of my face and takes a good look at me. "You're beautiful."

I shake my head slowly. "It's not that. It's something else. Like if I look in the mirror I have to see what's really inside."

"What's inside isn't bad."

"Yes, it is. If you knew the truth, you wouldn't want to be with me."

He assesses me closely and then helps me to my feet, pulling me up by the arms.

"What are you doing?" I ask as he steers me by the shoulders to the mirror on the medicine cabinet. I wince at the girl staring back at me; big green eyes, wet hair stuck to her head, and mascara running down her face. I begin to recoil, but he holds me in place and forces me to look at myself.

His aqua eyes lock on my reflection. "When I saw you that night, I felt completely helpless. I loved being able to help you, whether it's if you fell off the roof and needed to go to the hospital or you needed help climbing up a tree. It has always been my thing since we were kids and I loved every second of it, but that night there was absolutely nothing I could do to help you. I never want to feel that way again." He takes a deep breath and lets it out gradually. "I love you, Ella May and nothing will ever change that. You can push me away - run away - and I will still love you."

Hot tears pour out of my eyes and down my cheeks. My shoulders start to shake as I turn to him and bury my face into his chest. His arms circle around my waist and he lifts me up. My arms and legs fasten around him like he is my lifeline, and maybe he is.

He carries me into my room as I continue to sob and he lies down with me on the bed. It's dark and the music from next door drifts through the open window. Tears spill continuously to downpour from my eyes, and I place my hand over his chest, feeling the beat of his heart. I keep crying years of tears that have been bottled up until finally my eyes run dry.

Then I breathe again.

Micha

I wake up early in morning in a state of panic. Ella is fast asleep in my arms, her eyes swollen from crying, and she's clinging onto me like I'm everything to her. It's what I've always wanted, but something feels unresolved within me and I need to fix it before I get in too deep with her. She needs someone strong and until I face the thing plaguing me, I can't be that for her.

But I will be.

Carefully, I raise her head from my shoulder and slip out of her room. Her dad's snoring on the couch, there's a broken bottle on the kitchen floor, and the back door is wide open. I lock up and then jump the fence. My yard is trashed with beer bottles and cigarette butts and my mom's car is parked in the driveway.

The inside looks just as bad and I feel like a dick for leaving it for my mom to clean up, but if I don't go right now, I'll chicken out. So I hurry to my room, where Ethan's passed out in my bed with his arms and legs hanging over the side. He still has on the clothes from last night and the whole room stinks of stale booze and cigarettes.

I stuff some clothes into a bag and collect my keys from the dresser.

"Are you going somewhere?" Ethan sits up from the bed, rubbing his eyes.

I swing the bag over my shoulder. "I'm going on a little road trip. I'll be back in a few days."

He gapes at me. "By yourself?"

"Yeah, this is something I have to do by myself."

He considers something. "You're going to see your father, aren't you?"

I let out a loud breath. "Yeah man, but don't say anything, okay?"

Ethan nods. "Alright, if that's what you want me to do."

"It is." I open the door. "And hey, help my mom clean up... and keep an eye on Ella."

He falls back into the bed. "Alright man, will do."

I grab my wallet and leave the room, wondering who I'm going to be when I come back.

Ella

I wake up to an empty bed, but try to stay calm. I text Micha and ask him where he is because I'm sure there's an explanation.

"I'm sure it's nothing bad," I say, but there's an unsettling feeling squeezing inside me.