The Randy Romance Novelist(60)

“His foot is soft, like a creepily padded pillow,” she observed before pulling away and putting her game face on. “And with that, you’re going down, you ginger puss!”

I shook my head at the ridiculousness. “Who’s going to go first?”

“I will.” Rosie raised her hand and shut her eyes, ready to be spun.

I set the cat down, who went back to licking himself, and gripped Rosie’s shoulders. I pressed a light kiss against her cheek to sweeten her up and whispered in her ear, “You got this, love. No competition.”

“Spin me,” she proclaimed.

I did just that. I carefully spun her, making sure not to make her nauseous. The last thing I needed was Rosie puking everywhere and then crying the rest of the night about it.

After five counts of very steady spinning, I pointed her directly in front of the blow up picture of Derk, so she couldn’t miss. The minute I let go, her hand sprung forward and placed the dick right near Derk’s belly button. Pretty damn close.

She instantly opened her eyes and started cheering for herself. “Ha! Eat that, you four-legged freak!” She moon-walked right into the wall behind her, stumbling once she made contact.

I reached out to steady her, my heart pounding at a faster rate from her almost falling over. “You have to be careful, Rosie.” I held my chest as I held onto her. “You can’t be bumping into things and falling over.”

She gave me a questioning look. “You’re being weird. Get the cat up here; it’s his turn, and if I try to grab him he’ll scratch off my face.”

I gave her one more once over, observing her stance. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” she sounded annoyed. “I bumped into a wall; I didn’t fall into an abyss. Now, let’s get this competition going. Stop stalling.”

“Okay.” Like the dutiful boyfriend I was, I picked up Sir Licks-a-Lot and placed him in front of blowup Derk. I had no clue how this was going to work, so I carefully spun him around in five circles and then covered his face with my hand so he couldn’t see.

We stood there, staring at him as he sat right in front of the poster, not moving. I waited in anticipation for him to lift his paw, but he was stagnant; it didn’t even look like he was breathing.

“What’s going on?” I asked. “Is this what he did last time?”

Rosie shrugged. “I didn’t spin him last time. I just let him swipe.”

I stood there, bent over, with my hand over a cat’s eyes while I waited for it to swat at my best friend’s crotch. This was beyond stupid.

Talk about one’s life changing once they were in a relationship. I never thought I would spend my Friday nights with a girlfriend who was pregnant and a cat whose favorite pastime was licking his junk.

But, here I was, and guess what? I wouldn’t change it for the world.

“Should we call it a forfeit?”

Rosie shushed me and then whispered. “No, he’s thinking. I can tell in the way his ears are tilted back. I’ve spent enough time with this cat in my lifetime to know when he’s about to move. Just give it a second.”

Right on cue, out of nowhere, Sir Licks-a-Lot lifted his paw and swatted Derk’s crotch, right on the mark, leaving a wet paw print on the picture.

Both Rosie and I stood there, flabbergasted by his uncanny accuracy. I kind of wanted to applaud the cat, give him a high paw, because damn was he good.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Rosie’s chest start to rise and fall at a rapid rate, and I prepared for the worst. My shoulders tightened up, I squinted and waited for the tidal wave of emotion of losing to a cat at pin the penis once again.

“Son of a bitch!” Rosie yelled. When she swore, you knew it wasn’t good because she never swore. Arms pumping, she power-walked over to the penis pi?ata, where she booted it straight into the air and then stormed off to the bedroom, the door slamming behind her.

I glanced over at a smug looking Sir Licks-a-Lot and said, “Thanks. You just made my night exponentially harder.” I couldn’t help it, though, the cat had skills, so I leaned over and gave him knuckles. To my surprise he lifted his paw and met my hand halfway. “Got to hand it to you, bud, you nailed that crotch.”

The boys of the apartment had to stick together when the pregnant demon was storming around.

Turning to the bedroom, I took a deep breath and made the fiery walk to hell. It felt like lava and fire were booming next to me as I drew closer and closer to the bedroom door. I could hear pounding on the other side. The only reason I decided to go in was because I was afraid she might cause harm to the baby; otherwise, I would have let her figure out her devastating loss by herself.

Preparing for the worst, I let myself into the pit of lava-filled hell. Just as I suspected, on the other side was Rosie losing her damn mind. Straddling my pillow, she threw blow after blow with her fists to the feather down cocoon. I prayed she didn’t ruin the shape as I approached.

“Uh, hey, love. Everything okay?”

Her entire body contorted into something I’d only seen from The Exorcist and danger danced in her eyes as she stared me down. A deep voice bellowed out of her, scaring me right out of my socks. “Does it look like I’m okay?”

The scene was straight out of a horror film. Sweet woman mutated and possessed so now she spoke the devil’s tongue in a dark and scary voice. The kind of voice that you heard and swore snakes popped out of their mouth when they spoke.