The Music of What Happens(78)

Zay-Rod says, “That’s what we do. That’s what you do too, dude.”

“Well, yeah. But maybe we could be serious once in a while too?”

It’s quiet for a bit, and my heart sinks. I count on the Amigos. So much. I don’t want to lose them. I’m about to take it back when Betts says, “Sometimes it bugs me that you guys think I’m stupid.”

“Wow. Look at the time,” I say.

He laughs a little. “Nice.”

“Kidding,” I say. “I don’t really think you’re stupid.”

Zay-Rod says, “Me neither. I mean, you’re not an intellectual and you don’t like a lot of book stuff. But you’re smart in other ways. You’re good at math. You come up with good jokes and shit.”

Betts keeps quiet for a bit, and then he says, “Thanks.”

“I got raped,” I blurt.

The pool goes quiet. Betts and Zay-Rod both sit up and look at me. The look is one of, Tell me you’re joking. I slightly shake my head.

“Jordan?” Betts asks softly.

I shake my head again.

“What happened?” Zay-Rod asks.

I feel weird, talking about this in a pool. I glance over at the turquoise Adirondack chairs where my mom and Jordan took me a few nights ago. I leave my seat and swim over to the steps. They follow, and we shake excess water off as we exit the pool. The tile around the pool burns our feet as we walk over and sit down in the plastic chairs.

“What happened?” Zay-Rod repeats.

I need to take a moment to look both my buddies in the eye. This is something we’ve never done before, and I need to know they can take it. They both hold my eye contact — first Zay-Rod, then Betts. So I take a deep breath, then another, then another. And then I tell them everything.

“Shit, dude,” Betts says.

“You okay?” Zay-Rod asks.

I shake my head. “Not really. I mean, yeah, I’ll be okay. But I have lots of nightmares, and when Jordan touched me around that area, I freaked the fuck out.”

Betts stands, walks over, and makes like he’s going to sit on my lap. I laugh, because I just told him I got raped and what’s the first thing he does? Invade my space. “Plastic chair, dude,” I say.

He stands and he lifts me up by my shoulders, and he hugs me tight.

“I’m sorry, dude.”

Zay-Rod joins our little huddle. It is, sex included, the most intimate moment of my life. They hold me tight, and I just close my eyes and breathe, thinking how glad I am they’re my buddies, and wondering why I was ever afraid to tell them.

Zay-Rod asks, “Does Rosa know?”

I say, “Yeah.”

He adds, “Jordan?”

I nod.

“Can I kill that dude?” Betts asks.

“Yeah,” I say. I quickly correct. “No, actually. Jordan already punched him.”

Zay-Rod pulls back. His eyes are shocked. “Seriously?”

“It was … surprising. At that coffee shop Cartel on University? Not the best punch ever, but it misaligned the guy’s jaw.”

Both guys are looking at me, shocked, and then Betts imitates a guy with his jaw misaligned. “Hi, I’m a rapist whose jaw doesn’t shut right,” he says in a silly voice.

Zay-Rod looks at me, holding in a laugh. I have to laugh myself, and that allows him to do the same.

“Too soon?” Betts says, pleased at the reaction.

“Uh, yeah, too soon,” I say.



We wind up in my bedroom for hours, basking in the AC and talking. It’s freakin’ awesome. We never talked like this, ever. It’s like my traumatic thing opened this door, and out poured all this stuff.

I tell the guys about how serious I am about this foodie stuff. That I love to cook more than maybe anything else. They’re cool about it. I don’t know why I’ve been afraid all this time to tell them. I mean, I guess this is a first, us talking for real. But the point is it could have happened much sooner if any of us had had the balls to try it.

And I think that’s thanks to Jordan. I would never have done any of this if I hadn’t met him, and if he hadn’t showed me how to be real and serious with another guy.

Betts talks about what it feels like when his mom calls his dad an idiot in front of him, and how it scares him because he’s a lot like his dad. And then he talks about how his dad probably deserves it, because he’s so mean to his mom.

“I don’t want to be that guy,” he says.

I nod and nod, and Zay-Rod says he gets that, and all I can think of is how it must totally suck to have that in the back of his brain and then hear from us, his best buddies, about how stupid he is all the time. That never even occurred to me, that he had feelings.

Zay-Rod talks about how he’s not over Hailie Thompson, who he dated sophomore year and was his first girlfriend. Also his first time.

“She was special. She’s the one I’ll always compare every girl to,” he says, and Betts says that’s like Shaundra Timmons for him.

All this time, I thought Zay-Rod was cool and emotionless about all girl stuff. Betts too.

They weren’t. Not even close. All this time.

“That’s why with Pam, I just … I don’t know.”

“What?” I ask. We haven’t asked what was up with Pam, and he sure didn’t tell. That’s more Betts’s thing.