The Music of What Happens(51)

It’s early and the sun is just rising, but a full month of cooking in 100-plus heat, with no rain and low evening temperatures in the mid-80s, has rendered the white concrete of the driveway like an oven. Poor Dorcas is going to have to wait till tonight for her walk.

I feel the sizzle on the soles of my feet and I wince at the exquisite pain of burning skin.

I stand at the mailbox and pull out the mail that’s been sitting there overnight. A bunch of solicitations and coupon booklets. I pretend to read them carefully, but really I’m allowing the singe of my toes to numb everything else in the world out.

Max climbs out of the truck and looks around for me. He waves me over. I don’t want to go. I want to stay right here until my heels blister. But he keeps waving, so I slowly walk back over to the shade of the garage.

He smiles and looks me in the eye with kindness. I’m like, Nice timing, asshole.

“I’m sorry for the crappy good morning,” he says, hugging me lightly. “Lots of crap on my mind today. None of it about you. You’re the good thing, Jordan. You’re like the one good thing. I’m sorry I did you like that.”

I exhale, hug him tight and hold him close, stroke his beautiful black hair. “It’s okay,” I whisper into his ear. “Totally get that. I’m cool. We’re cool.”

“Thanks,” he says into my shoulder. “I’ll try not to shut you out when I get all whatever.”

“Okay,” I say. “Not a problem.”

“Thanks.”

He pulls away and I resist the urge to pull him back to me. I want more. So much more that it scares me. I scratch my elbow instead. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”

He smiles that wide Max smile again. “It’s nothing. Well, not nothing. Just. I don’t want to talk about it, you know?”

“Sure,” I say, too quickly.

“It’s just stupid shit. Like, the world is a big place. We’re just space dust. None of this means shit. Sometimes when I’m upset, I have to remember that.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“Sure,” I say. He’s right. Sometimes I get all freaked out, but in the end we’re pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

“Just know that you’re not that problem, okay? You’re the antidote. I can’t imagine any person I’d rather be with today, okay?”

I can’t help it. A smile bleeds out of me. “Okay,” I say.

“You’re my Jordan.”

“Okay,” I say, and the smile gets wider. “I like that. Okay.”





I have a secret no one can ever know, and it’s messing me up big time. The only way I can figure to stop being two totally different people is to go into superhero mode.

So I tell Jordan I have plans with my boys after work. I go home, head into my room, swallow everything else down, pick up my phone, and text Kevin.

Me: Hey

Kevin: Thought you were in ghost mode

Me: Sorry

When I type that, I feel bile rise up in my throat.

Kevin: Eh its fine you wanna hang out agin?

More bile. Like entering the back of my mouth now.

Me: Yeah

Kevin: Cum over

Luckily there is a trash can next to my desk. I lunge and vomit into it. The acid in my mouth burns like panic, like I can feel it dissolving my tooth enamel. We can’t meet somewhere private, because I’m afraid of what Super Max will do to this kid. In public I can say what I need to say and at the end he’ll still be alive and I won’t be in prison.

Me: Nah wanna talk. You know Gold Bar?

Kevin: I’ll find it. An hour?

Me: Yup

Kevin: Stay adorable

I got nothing to say to that one.

I arrive before him, order an iced tea, and grab a table by the window. My pulse quickens as I watch him saunter across the parking lot in a yellow tank top, his blue faux-hawk glistening in the sun. I hate him so much.

“What up?” he says as he walks in. He comes over and fist-bumps me. He smells like coconut.

“’Sup,” I say back.

He gets a latte and when he sits down across from me, he smiles. The left side of his upper lip rises higher than the right side. “Food trucking today?”

“Yup.”

“Makin’ good money?”

“Pretty good.”

“I always thought that would be fun. But not in the summer.”

“Right. True.”

“I’m taking classes. That way I can take out a loan and not work during the summer.”

“Nice.”

Kevin sighs. “Dude. Heavy lifting. You invited me here. Maybe you ask me a question now?”

I take a big sip of my ginger-peach tea. “What was that, the night in your dorm room?”

Kevin laughs. “What was what?”

“What happened between us. I mean, I know what happened, but, like, you know I —” The words get stopped up in my esophagus.

He smirks. “You what? Use your words, dude.”

“Said no.”

He laughs again and looks around. When he speaks his voice is quieter by half. “You were sooo nervous.”

“Yeah.”

“Sometimes a guy needs a little encouragement to get where he wants to go. You definitely wanted that.”